In the olden times, Garry Marshall made good films, films like The Princess Bride and Pretty Woman and Frankie and Johnny and Beaches. But something happened to Garry Marshall around the year 2010. Perhaps he was struck by lightning while watching Love, Actually. That's just a personal theory. Because since 2010, Garry Marshall has exclusively made frighteningly positive films with massive casts centered around national holidays. The dual messages put forth by all of these films — Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, and Mother's Day, which hits theaters this weekend, which does not include Mother's Day — are "everything will always turn out 100 percent fabulous for you literally no matter what; you deserve it; you are a queen and life is your bitch" and "everyone is white." With these important takeaways in mind, we thought we'd write and cast the next five Garry Marshall films so that he doesn't have to. (Somebody please make sure he doesn't have to per a blood oath or something.)
Across Los Angeles, the Jews are atoning on the holiest day of the year. Ilana (Julia Roberts) is asking God to forgive her for cheating on her husband, Joseph (Benjamin Bratt), with her Amazon Prime guy, Matt (Zac Efron). Joseph is dying of shingles but doesn't want to tell Ilana because Yom Kippur is also her birthday. He is atoning for lying. Freya, the local baker down the street (Jennifer Garner), is the only one who knows about the shingles, and she thinks Ilana deserves to know the truth, so she's planning on telling Ilana by giving her a birthday cake that says Your Husband Is Dying Of Shingles. She's asking God to forgive her for this. Freya also has a dark secret: She's got six kids (Jacob Tremblay as triplets, Rowan Blanchard as twins, and Quvenzhané Wallis), none of whom have been bar mitzvahed because she can't afford to buy centerpieces. Her husband (James Brolin) left her when she was pregnant with the twins and took all her gelt. He is in Vegas, atoning for being an absentee father by blowing lots of coke off the ass of a stripper (Meryl Streep) and crying. Ilana and dying Joseph decide to step in and buy all of Freya's cakes before it's too late and the kids are smitten (even though they can't eat them because they are fasting).
It's Halloween in San Francisco, and everybody is frantically trying to finish their tech start-ups so they can go out and win the tech start-up Halloween costume contest. The prize: an actual apartment that you can afford and fit inside. Mo (Ashton Kutcher) is an intern at the hottest tech start-up in town, which hugs your kids for you when you are in a bad mood. Everyone has already left the office to prepare for the contest, including Mo's boss Karyn (Amanda Seyfried), who told Mo he had to stay late to finish the hugging module. The only problem? Mo can't find his zip drive. The other problem? Mo has the best costume and now it's all going to go to waste (a chicken having an orgasm, as an ironic twist on the "which came first" joke). The other, other problem? Mo is in love with Karyn. And Karyn is dating Mo's mom, Bette (Susan Sarandon), who owns Hug Me Daddy. The other, other, other problem? There's an ax murderer on the loose (Johnny Depp) and he is standing right behind Mo.
Helena Bonham Carter
A hologram of Marlon Brando
Robert E. Lee's Birthday
It is Robert E. Lee's birthday* in Florida, and everyone is racist. Rochelle (Charlotte Rampling) is planning a big Robert E. Lee–themed party and inviting everyone in the state. Paula Deen (Paula Deen) is catering. Though she's calm on the outside, wearing breezy linens and closed-mouth smiling at her staff's jokes, Rochelle is panicking inwardly, because the party's main act, Justin Bieber (Justin Bieber) and the 14 Guns, just canceled. Her phone rings. It's Mel Gibson (Hulk Hogan). He tells her he's just written a stirring song about how all lives matter and is willing to perform it at the party. Meanwhile, across town, Doug (Charlie Sheen) is graduating from the Police Academy. His chief of police (Ted Cruz) hands him a sack of 11 guns and gives him a passionate kiss. Doug's wife walks in. It's Rochelle. Stunned, she pulls out a gun. All three pull out guns. Justin Bieber walks up from behind Doug and puts a gun to Doug's head. Doug puts another gun to Justin Bieber's head. Everyone starts laughing because it's Robert E. Lee's birthday and this is the traditional Robert E. Lee's birthday skit. The party goes off without a hitch and everyone goes home with a souvenir gun.
Everyone on Duck Dynasty
Daylight Savings Time
It's Daylight Savings Time, and everyone is confused and trying to remember the "spring forward, fall back" thing. Molly (Kate Hudson), a beautiful ad exec with a penchant for drinking tequila under her desk all day, is famous for never wearing a watch. So when a cute stranger named Dylan (Patrick Dempsey) walks into her office and tells her he's a time traveler from the future, she's pretty skeptical. But there are a few signs that Dylan's telling the truth. For one, he's very handsome, and Molly doesn't exactly have the best of luck with men. Her mom tells her it's because she's dead inside — like, her heart no longer beats. Like, she was literally confirmed dead at the hospital several years ago and is a medical miracle — but Molly doesn't care (because she's dead inside). For another, half of Dylan's body is covered in third-degree burns from the utterly deteriorated ozone. For another, he's crying, begging her to listen to him, telling her she has to stop the forthcoming presidential election before Jacob Tremblay (Jacob Tremblay) becomes president and destroys the planet. Molly's assistant, Bread (Brad Pitt), is the only one who believes Dylan's pleas. But Bread is also Molly's submissive, and he is not allowed to talk to her unless she permits him to speak out loud while in their shared tequila sex dungeon underneath her desk. Bread and Dylan have to find a way to convince Molly to listen to them and to allow Bread to wear fabrics other than leather in the summertime before the clocks fall back or spring forward or whatever it is.
Robert De Niro
It's Midsommar in Sweden, and everyone is fucking each other in animal suits. Greta (Alexander Skarsgard in drag) is tired of running around the maypole, both literally and figuratively, so she's hiding behind a giant platter of pickled herring. That is, until Almborg (hologram Ingmar Bergman) finds her. Greta is immediately charmed by Almborg's old age and readily apparent depression, and the two quickly fall in love among the hot glogg and the gravlax and the fucking. The only snag in their newfound happiness is that Almborg is engaged to be married to Ingrid (Alicia Vikander). And Ingrid doesn't take rejection well. Ingrid's just lost her job as an ABBA impersonator; when her co-impersonators (Meryl Streep, Bob Hope, Amanda Seyfried) fired her, she took the news so hard that she skipped the Midsommar ceremonies to sulk in a nearby pond. The bad news is that the pond is owned by Stellan (Stellan Skarsgard), an uncharacteristically angry Swedish man whose favorite thing is drowning strangers in his pond. Also, Stellan is Greta's father. Both own an IKEA, where Almborg works. Fortunately, Stellan is at Midsommar, fucking and singing with everyone else, so Ingrid is fine for now.
*Robert E. Lee’s birthday, also known as Robert E. Lee Day, is "a state holiday in some parts of the United States" that is sometimes "an annual shared state holiday with Martin Luther King’s birthday."