Previously on Empire, remember when the premise of the series was Lucious is gonna die? Can we go back to that?
1. LUCIOUS LYON (last week: 10)
Lucious, who seems to be over his traumatic childhood, slithered his way back to the top of the pack this week. He harasses Hakeem and sabotages him at every turn in order to claim control of Empire. For some reason, these damn board members vote his crazy and petty ass back into position as CEO. At this point, he's giving J. R. Ewing a run for his money in the evil patriarch department. I'm praying that, also like J. R., he's on the receiving end of a bullet at the end of this season.
2. ANIKA CALHOUN (last week: 4)
Boo Boo Kitty finally revealed that she's pregnant! Way to go, sis — now you're back at the top of the power rankings where you belong. She also might have edged out Lucious for the top spot if he hadn't ousted Hakeem from Empire this week, because her threats about turning Lucious into the FBI were even nastier and pettier than his antics. As long as she's pregnant, she's in control of her situation. But the minute she gives birth ... well, good luck, girl.
3. FREDA GATZ (last week: 8)
Did we already know Freda is a barber? She kicks someone's ass for trying to sit in her father's memorial seat, which is clearly meant to show that she's going to murder the fuck out of the Lyons when she finds out they're responsible for her dad's death. It's a good thing Cookie fears her, because otherwise Freda is sort of a sad sack waiting for someone to hand her a big chance in the music industry. She's not really all that powerful per se, but everyone else is in such a tailspin this week that it's easy enough for a mild threat of violence from Freda to land her at the top.
4. COOKIE LYON (last week: 1)
"Are you that thirsty, you trick ass hoe?" Cookie dragging Boo Boo Kitty will always be great. Thankfully, now that she's carrying around the Seed of Hakeem, they'll be back in each other's orbits and sniping at one another. For someone who had so much control over her kids last week, her attempts at getting Freda out of Jamal's life fail spectacularly. She hires this Fake Ass Nicki Minaj to come in and rap on Jamal's album, but she's so miserable that of course Jamal sticks with Freda. She also can't even manage to keep Lucious from snatching the company out from under Hakeem. Cookie, you been sleeping.
5. RHONDA LYON (last week: 12)
She still hasn't figured out that Anika pushed her ass down those stairs, so I'm being awfully generous here!!!! But she's not an idiot like the rest of the Lyons this week and doesn't get shit stolen from her, so whatever!
6. ANDRE LYON (last week: 9)
He gave up Jesus and is back on his meds, which seems like the most fucking random conclusion to finding out his grandmother was bipolar, but girl, I guess. I thought he'd be sitting with a doctor getting a diagnosis or some shit, not being Anika's savior along with his misguided wife.
7. JAMAL LYON (last week: 2)
Jamal actually considered Fake Ass Nicki Minaj for his album, which is nonsense, but he is gay, so you know we probably get down to her in the club and shit. Anyway, he changes his mind when she's not "authentic" enough and runs crawling back to Freda Gatz, but like, you were ready to bounce her for another artist so … what are you doing, J? It's really a good thing you aren't running Empire anymore.
8. HAKEEM LYON (last week: 5)
Poor little Hakeem. Camilla is dead. He loses the company. His engagement to Laura isn't even mentioned this week. His fashion line also gets torpedoed. He was CEO of Empire for all of five seconds and I'm confused as to what he's supposed to do now. Go back to rapping or whatever, I guess.
9. FAKE ASS NICKI MINAJ (last week: not ranked)
This shady dig at Nicki Minaj is an Auto-Tuned rapper who doesn't even record her shit in the studio. She appears in one scene wearing a garish outfit, then vanishes, never to be heard from again.
10. THIRSTY RAWLINGS (last week: not ranked)
He's been in the background not doing much for weeks, but now he's outchere performing paternity tests on Hakeem's secret daughter that we thought was Jamal's last season (not his, according to a paternity test) and paying off doctors to keep Lucious's mother hidden away from the public. Whatchu up to, Thirsty?!
11. SHAKESPEARE (last week: 15)
"This family talks about heirs as if we're in a Shakespearean play." LMAOOOO JAMAL.
12. THE MUSIC (last week: 3)
I think the music this week is supposed to be trash, especially with Fake Ass Nicki Minaj and her tepid 16 she spits for Jamal's album. But you'd think that Freda and Jamal would deliver since they killed last week. Nope. Whatever it is they go back and forth on in the barbershop is mostly forgettable, and the only other song we hear this episode is Tiana's "Body Speak." When the most exciting music event of the week is Lucious bringing up "Snitch Bitch," you know it's been a bad week.
13. TIANA BROWN (last week: 7)
Well, she put on an Aaliyah weave from the "Are You That Somebody?" video this week, so I guess she did something.
14. LAURA CALLEROS (last week: 6)
Didn't this heffa just get engaged? All she does this week is call Hakeem to tell him that Lucious sabotaged the Antony and Cleopatra launch. Bye, girl.