A Person Who Has Never Seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens Reviews All Of Its Digital Extras

Star Wars does not care about me. And I do not care about Star Wars.

Here is an admission that will certainly get me Internet-murdered: I have not seen Star Wars: The Force Awakens. This is for multiple reasons, but primarily it's because I do not care about Star Wars. I'm aware that this is neither an original nor #hot take on the franchise, but it is my truth, and I must live it. Please tell my family that I love them and tell my 13-year-old sister she can finally have my laptop.

It's not that the Star Wars movies are so boring that I once watched the first three Star Wars movies all in a row and promptly forgot every single thing that happened in them (though they are), or that their basic mythology is somehow both insanely complex and also reads like the result of a group of toddlers scribbling on wet construction paper for a few hours (though it is). It's mostly because Star Wars was very explicitly written for young boys, and this is consistently obvious. This isn't to say that women or girls can't enjoy Star Wars — that would be an idiotic thing to say, especially as I know dozens who do — but it is to say that Star Wars, at least in its previous iterations, is a fantasy designed specifically to pique the imaginations of little boys and, by proxy, the grown men they eventually become (or pretend to become, amirite, ladies?!). Star Wars does not care about me; I do not care about Star Wars. In this way, we understand each other, and our relationship is beautiful and honest.

Earlier this month, Star Wars: The Force Awakens hit iTunes, and I was like, "I should probably watch this at some point, if for no other reason than that my literal job is to know about popular culture." But then I realized that to truly understand it, I'd have to read the incredibly in-depth Wikipedia summaries of the movies I'd already seen that I totally blacked out on, watch all of the other movies that I hadn't yet seen (namely, the three prequels, which my sources tell me are three exquisite trash can fires), and as such generally ruin my own life. Instead, I decided I would watch the Star Wars: The Force Awakens digital extras on iTunes and review them. Below is the questionable result of this decision.

The Digital Extra: Secrets of The Force Awakens: A Cinematic Journey

Runtime: 69 minutes

Synopsis: Within the span of an hour, this "featured extra" purports to tell the entire story behind the making of Star Wars: The Force Awakens, including the changing of the guard from George Lucas to Kathleen Kennedy; the casual edging-out of slothlike writer Michael Arndt, a man who dared to "take his time" writing a script; the hiring of J.J. Abrams; the bougie way in which Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan wrote the script, walking around fancy cities talking to each other like goddamn kings; the initial table reads; the profound anxiety and impostor syndromes of everyone involved in the production, except for Kathleen Kennedy, who exudes a terrifying and uncanny confidence at all times; the profound shittiness of filming in the desert while wearing space suits; and more. Rather than delve too deeply into any of these topics, though, this mini-film sort of just hovers gently over all of them, making for a whiplash-y and ultimately dissatisfying watch. I would honestly rather sit through four hours of J.J. Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan walking around London and Paris talking about aliens. Are there aliens in Star Wars? Are all of the characters technically aliens, or just some of them?

What I learned from this extra:

  • Mark Hamill essentially agrees that he is a terrible actor. He doesn't outright say this, but I can just tell.
  • Harrison Ford admits that he did not want to make this film at first. But he changed his mind when 17 sacks of gold coins fell into his living room.
  • Everyone involved in TFA cried at some point during production, mostly out of pure fear.
  • Kathleen Kennedy is trying very hard to be a "cool boss" when she is clearly a bit of a square, which is fine; the person running a billion-dollar corporation should definitely be a square.
  • Kathleen Kennedy is like a character on Downton Abbey transplanted to Coachella.
  • Kathleen Kennedy is like a beach ball trying to hide behind a telephone pole.
  • Kathleen Kennedy needs to calm down and go to her office and shut the door for a few hours.
  • Never is this more apparent than when she tries to take Contempo Casual photos with several giant alien puppets by leaning on one of them, then laughing hysterically, like she has made the best joke of all time. Leaning on a fake alien! As if.
  • Luke Skywalker isn't in most of this movie. Crazy! That's great, though. See: First bullet.
  • A lot of people talk about The Force as if it were a real thing. Hmm.
  • One of the Star Wars films was called The Empire Strikes Back. Good to know.
  • One man on the crew describes himself as a "hander-oner," a job description I am still trying to parse.
  • John Williams is delightful and very old. Once I ranted to a total stranger about John Williams for 25 minutes while we both waited for our orders at a backed-up McDonald's.
  • Kathleen Kennedy really needs to calm down.
  • Someone refers to this movie as a "period sci-fi film," and now I am even more confused. What "period"? What is going on?
  • Everybody on the puppet staff was told to dream up and produce entire alien puppet things with zero guarantee that Abrams would even use them. They'd have to "impress" Abrams enough for him to use them. None of it could seem "arbitrary," even though this entire thing is arbitrary. J.J. Abrams is Veruca Salt, and I like it.
  • Looking at a giant puppet of a turkey, J.J. Abrams says, "I love characters like this. I believe them."
  • Everyone is obsessed with the year 1977 and speaks of it with a reverence usually reserved for dead prophets.
  • Daisy Ridley's character lives inside of a tow truck and owns a virtual reality helmet.
  • "Stormtroopers are formidable now," says Oscar Isaac, confirming how stupid the stormtroopers were in all of the other movies.
  • Princess Leia and Han Solo are absentee parents.
  • Harrison Ford says "bang" out loud when he shoots his fake gun.
  • The closed-captioning on these extras spells C-3PO "Threepio" and R2-D2 "Artoo." Joke's on you, closed-captioning.
  • Adam Driver thinks he is not a "mustache-twirly" villain, even though he literally looks like Jafar.
  • To film the final scene, dozens of crew members had to heave giant objects up a giant hill, just so Luke Skywalker could stand there and look confused.
  • Why is Luke Skywalker Nights in Rodanthe–ing alone on top of a giant hill? Did he really earn that privilege? Why is he wearing such a tight belt around such a loose garment?
  • The whole point of Nights in Rodanthe–ing is to wear very loose garments near the sea.
  • "All kids either wanted to be Han Solo or Luke Skywalker." This is a quote from Kathleen Kennedy. Thanks for cementing my earlier point, Kathleen. I'm warming to you.
  • Han Solo dies in this movie. Interesting.
  • The Digital Extra: Deleted Scenes

    Runtime: Each of these "scenes" is legitimately 14.2 seconds long and contains almost zero dialogue or action.

    Synopsis: These are deleted scenes.

    What I learned from this extra:

  • There is a scene in which a stormtrooper seems to consider murdering a random woman, but ultimately decides to let her go. He breathes really hard the whole time even though he is basically standing still.
  • There is a scene in which a man bumps into another man on a spaceship because he is rushing. He says to everyone in the room, "The Jakku bridge was wiped out," and Leia says, "Never underestimate a droid." Everyone looks very impressed with this statement.
  • There is a scene in which Oscar Isaac, flying a plane, says, "Hold for light speed," and an alien with a Southern accent is like, "OK."
  • There is a scene in which Kylo Ren walks onto a ship and literally just says, "Han Solo." Then he walks into the snow and that's it.
  • There is a scene in which Rey and Finn are involved in a laser-heavy space battle and then they switch places in their spaceship for some reason.
  • There is a scene in which Finn appears to be dead, and a woman comes up behind a clearly distraught Rey and says, "Your friend's gonna be just fine." And that's it.
  • There's a scene in which Han Solo is in a cave or something, and asks, "Is there another way out of here?" And Lupita Nyong'o, who has been done up to look like Tilda Swinton's rotting corpse, is like, "No." Han's like, "Who is Snoke?" Which, good question.
  • The Digital Extra: John Williams: The Seventh Symphony

    Runtime: 6 minutes, 51 seconds

    Synopsis: Everyone fucking loves John Williams.

    What I learned from this extra:

  • John Williams is literally God, according to J.J. Abrams.
  • John Williams is very good at conducting.
  • Kathleen Kennedy calls John Williams "Johnny." Kathleen, please get a grip.
  • John Williams is very old.
  • John Williams makes a few comments about how this may be his last Star Wars score.
  • I'm worried about John Williams.
  • The Digital Extra: Blueprint of a Battle: The Snow Fight

    Runtime: 7 minutes, 2 seconds

    Synopsis: This extra is about how a bunch of people had to build a fake snowy forest indoors so that Rey and Kylo Ren could try to kill each other in it.

    What I learned from this extra:

  • This was the first extra that made me feel something. What I felt was admiration for the hard work of these snow-forest builders and astonishment at the beauty of the fake snow forest.
  • Adam Driver takes everything so seriously. Adam Driver and Kathleen Kennedy need to get a drink (not with each other).
  • Adam Driver was so intense that he drove John Boyega to the point of actual rage during this scene.
  • Daisy Ridley has "small arms," so she had a hard time wielding a lightsaber. But she was fine.
  • Kylo Ren dies in this movie. Does he? I already forgot.
  • The Digital Extra: The Visual Magic of the Force

    Runtime: 7 minutes, 56 seconds

    Synopsis: ILM is an intense place full of geniuses who regularly shrug off their own accomplishments.

    What I learned from this extra:

  • ILM stands for "Industrial Light & Magic."
  • ILM's staff use a lot of war imagery to describe themselves.
  • There is a character in Star Wars called "Snootie Pirate."
  • The Digital Extra: Force for Change

    Runtime: 3 minutes, 21 seconds

    Synopsis: Uh ... Star Wars did some charity.

    What I learned from this extra:

  • A bunch of rich people purchased the opportunity to be an extra in TFA, and that money went to ... something good.
  • Impoverished kids around the world were involved.
  • So were some kids who got Fitbits?
  • So were some adults, who got to FaceTime with Harrison Ford for a few seconds.
  • Kathleen Kennedy strikes her standard false notes as she reads prepared statements about all of this stuff while trying and failing to sound off-the-cuff.
  • KATHLEEN.
  • I wish Kathleen would just be herself.
  • The Digital Extra: Building BB-8

    Runtime: 6 minutes, 3 seconds

    Synopsis: It took a lot of people to make BB-8, a very cute roly-ball droid, happen.

    What I learned from this extra:

  • There are several versions of BB-8, and all of them are cute as fuck.
  • Even Anthony Daniels, who plays the other droid, is like, "OMG, this droid is cute as fuck."
  • Even Daisy Ridley is like, "I love this droid, I felt a connection with it right away." Under most circumstances, this would be weird, but honestly I get it.
  • BB-8 is small, but he has a big heart.
  • It takes a village to build a cute-as-fuck droid.
  • Teamwork is so important.
  • Everyone on the Star Wars set loves each other so much.
  • "We go through it all together, we're a team," says one member of the Star Wars team.
  • Ughhhhhh I'm feeling things.
  • The Digital Extra: Crafting Creatures

    Runtime: 9 minutes, 34 seconds

    Synopsis: There are a lot of creatures in Star Wars. Here is how they were crafted.

    What I learned from this extra:

  • Simon Pegg is in this movie.
  • Simon Pegg almost suffocated to death because he was glued into a very heavy fat suit. But he was so excited to be in Star Wars that he did not say anything.
  • Chewbacca is made of yak belly and mohair, just like me!
  • Chewbacca's creators had to remake his suit several times because everybody who met Chewbacca wanted to hug him.
  • The hugs wore his suit out!!!!
  • Why am I crying?
  • Do I love Star Wars?! Or am I just tired?
  • I am going to watch Star Wars: The Force Awakens, mainly because I now own it and I paid $19.99 for it.
  • But also because of the feelings.
  • Mostly because of the $19.99, though.
  • Watch this space.