Today we witnessed the unveiling of another tableau in the seemingly predestined epic that is the life of Canada’s son, Justin Bieber, as photos surfaced of Bieber being choked out by his own opening act, Post Malone. Bieber had previously been snapped putting out a cigarette on Malone’s shoulder, but the chokehold that followed Bieber’s flesh-melting fun was caught in an image that can only be described as the culmination of 400 years of Western art. The apex, the apotheosis. We have reached it, and Bieber has brought us there. Artists throughout history foretold this day. We have witnessed the choking of the Bieber and now we can start again.
Caravaggio, The Taking of Christ
Caravaggio was the first prophet of the choking, portraying here the lamb of God, Jesus Christ the Redeemer, as he is manhandled by some dudes who were probably in his crew, tbh.
Caravaggio, The Sacrifice of Isaac
Caravaggio was ahead of his time in many ways, guiding young artists not just to new lighting schemes but also to potential throat-distressing techniques.
Auguste Rodin, The Thinker in the Gates of Hell
The Gates of Hell, or Houston on a Saturday. Your call.
Edvard Munch, Evening on Karl Johan Street
George Tooker, The Subway
The impromptu photo from the Ukrainian parliament fight that happened to follow the golden ratio.
In a profane society, the height of obscenity is a return to order.
Bieber Gets Choked
And now, here we are. All of Western art has led to this moment — the content, the composition, the degradation of image and spirit. Bless Bieber, for he has set us free.
Justin Bieber, I Colored This Its Dope
This has nothing to do with anything. It's just some fun art Justin Bieber made.