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The Nazi Invasion of Soviet Russia, As Told Via Rap

Or, "Why Hamilton Should Probably Not Inspire Similar Musicals Covering More Recent Events"

Rap is important. History is important. Historical rap, thus, is the most important. I now present a historical rap of the German invasion of Russia during the Second World War.

Our players:

Adolf Hitler: German dictator, douchebag

Joseph Stalin: leader of the Soviet Union, also not a great person

Georgy Zhukov: career Red Army officer, eventual minister of defense for the USSR

Konstantin Rokossovsky: Red Army lieutenant general

Hermann Goering: leading Nazi Party member, designated as Hitler’s successor, stole millions in Jewish property

Friedrich Paulus: commander of the Sixth Army, survived Soviet captivity for 10 years

HITLER: My name is Adolf Hitler / It’s 1941 / Been at war for two years / And it’s time to have fun / See I signed a pact / With Joseph Stalin / But I’m a bad person / So on my army I’m callin’ / I believe we can’t be defeated / France, Belgium, Denmark / Our enemies have retreated

Russia couldn’t be more at risk / The Great Purge flipped their shit like a giant whisk / Their military is in complete disarray / No time like the present to invade / And let’s not forget — Germans need room! / “Lebensraum” is the concept / And I assume / We can just kill everyone / And after they’re deceased / Bolshevism loses and Great Britain sues for peace!

This won’t even take that much time / Russia failed against the Finns while we did just fine / Sure, we’re leaving seven weeks late / But we won’t plan for winter / It’ll go great!

STALIN: My name is Joseph Stalin / And I trust Adolf / He wouldn’t lie to me / Without some massive payoff / Now, sure, I’m hearing from my spies / That he’s planning an invasion / But that’s all lies!

Wait / What? / ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? / GERMANY INVADED WITH ROMANIA AND ITALY? / I made preparations / But coddled Hitler instead / Fuck this shit, I’m going to bed.

Six months later.

ZHUKOV: My name is Georgy Zhukov / And I’m a badass motherfucker / From Leningrad to Moscow’s streets / I never seem to tucker / I think we showed Germany / That Russia’s still tough / Or was 130,000 cases of frostbite not enough? / The Battle of Moscow was a big deal / 1 million deaths on our side — yes, that’s real / We pushed back the Nazis but not very far / Stalin got overconfident and now look where we are / We’re running low on oil and we’ve lost 4 million people / This war could take awhile and we’re not exactly gleeful.

HITLER: OK I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS / YOU LOST AT MOSCOW AND I AM PISSED / So hey, German Army, I’m taking command / I’ve even put together my own little band / Of staff officers / Who don’t know what they’re doing / The situation / I’m sure is improving!

Author: Heinz Guderian wrote that "This created a chill / In our relations” and that it was ill / Planned for Hitler to take this on / Not a military mind / Now back to my song.

ROKOSSOVSKY: My name is Konstantin Rokossovsky / And let’s put it this way — I am not a softie / I have steel teeth because my boss / Had my teeth and nails ripped out and nearly had me shot / But then all of a sudden, with no explanation / I was released and told to go save my nation / Turns out I knew a few things about tanks / My counter-offensives earned me many thanks / Got hurt by a shell and it hurt like hell / but I was back in time to head to —

HITLER: Stalingrad! / Yes, it’s odd / but it’s what we’ve got to win / Because of oil and current turmoil / South is where we’ve been / Not having a ball / Leningrad just won’t fall / So Stalingrad, you’re it / Friedrich Paulus / I love you, you’re flawless / GIMME THAT CITY OR DIE FUCKING TRYING.

PAULUS: My name is Friedrich Paulus / And this shouldn’t be bad / Our armies have slowed, yes / And I think that’s sad / But I was told to head South alone / And make Stalingrad our very new home / Oh man, it is not … / Very warm over here / But Goering will help us / So never fear!

GOERING: My name is Hermann Goering / And I’m on a lot of drugs / So I can’t help anyone / Who does not have lovely rugs / or furs or art that I can steal / But Hitler seems to trust me / So here is the deal / I said I could help out our armies / But perhaps I should recant / Because unless our troops need condoms / Then, uh, I can’t.

PAULUS: UH, HELLO, HITLER? WE’RE KIND OF SURROUNDED / MY TROOPS ARE DYING / AND I’M A BIT CONFOUNDED / OUT OF 300,000 TROOPS WE’RE DOWN TO 90K / AND I’D LIKE TO SURRENDER / AND TRY AGAIN ANOTHER DAY.

HITLER: Hey there, Paulus / Hitler here / Things aren't going great with you / I fear / But I’m sure you’ve got the situation on lock…

PAULUS: WITH ALL RESPECT, SIR / I DO FUCKING NOT.

HITLER: Well, sure / It’s cold and you’re out of food / But to surrender? Now? / That would be crude! / I’m sure there’s a way for you / To break out / and find your way to victory / So don’t you pout / Tell you what / I’ve got a surprise / It’s a promotion / And it’s a real prize / I’ll make you field marshall / Because you always strive / Just remember: No field marshall has ever surrendered alive.

PAULUS: Nope / No way / I’m not going to do it / I won’t kill myself because you blew it / I’d rather surrender and hope to survive / And pray that some of us / Will get to go home alive.

Author: After Stalingrad, there’s the Battle of Kursk / Where the Nazis' position went from bad to worse / The Russians finally began an offensive / While the Nazis were forced on the defensive.

Eventually, it all ended in Berlin / Where Hitler and his wife Eva shot themselves in / A bunker while outside people still fought / For Germany but all for naught.

Perhaps this is not a great subject for a historical rap musical.