Rap is important. History is important. Historical rap, thus, is the most important. I now present a historical rap of the German invasion of Russia during the Second World War.
Adolf Hitler: German dictator, douchebag
Joseph Stalin: leader of the Soviet Union, also not a great person
Georgy Zhukov: career Red Army officer, eventual minister of defense for the USSR
Konstantin Rokossovsky: Red Army lieutenant general
Hermann Goering: leading Nazi Party member, designated as Hitler’s successor, stole millions in Jewish property
Friedrich Paulus: commander of the Sixth Army, survived Soviet captivity for 10 years
HITLER: My name is Adolf Hitler / It’s 1941 / Been at war for two years / And it’s time to have fun / See I signed a pact / With Joseph Stalin / But I’m a bad person / So on my army I’m callin’ / I believe we can’t be defeated / France, Belgium, Denmark / Our enemies have retreated
Russia couldn’t be more at risk / The Great Purge flipped their shit like a giant whisk / Their military is in complete disarray / No time like the present to invade / And let’s not forget — Germans need room! / “Lebensraum” is the concept / And I assume / We can just kill everyone / And after they’re deceased / Bolshevism loses and Great Britain sues for peace!
STALIN: My name is Joseph Stalin / And I trust Adolf / He wouldn’t lie to me / Without some massive payoff / Now, sure, I’m hearing from my spies / That he’s planning an invasion / But that’s all lies!
Six months later.
ZHUKOV: My name is Georgy Zhukov / And I’m a badass motherfucker / From Leningrad to Moscow’s streets / I never seem to tucker / I think we showed Germany / That Russia’s still tough / Or was 130,000 cases of frostbite not enough? / The Battle of Moscow was a big deal / 1 million deaths on our side — yes, that’s real / We pushed back the Nazis but not very far / Stalin got overconfident and now look where we are / We’re running low on oil and we’ve lost 4 million people / This war could take awhile and we’re not exactly gleeful.
HITLER: OK I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS / YOU LOST AT MOSCOW AND I AM PISSED / So hey, German Army, I’m taking command / I’ve even put together my own little band / Of staff officers / Who don’t know what they’re doing / The situation / I’m sure is improving!
Author: Heinz Guderian wrote that "This created a chill / In our relations” and that it was ill / Planned for Hitler to take this on / Not a military mind / Now back to my song.
ROKOSSOVSKY: My name is Konstantin Rokossovsky / And let’s put it this way — I am not a softie / I have steel teeth because my boss / Had my teeth and nails ripped out and nearly had me shot / But then all of a sudden, with no explanation / I was released and told to go save my nation / Turns out I knew a few things about tanks / My counter-offensives earned me many thanks / Got hurt by a shell and it hurt like hell / but I was back in time to head to —
HITLER: Stalingrad! / Yes, it’s odd / but it’s what we’ve got to win / Because of oil and current turmoil / South is where we’ve been / Not having a ball / Leningrad just won’t fall / So Stalingrad, you’re it / Friedrich Paulus / I love you, you’re flawless / GIMME THAT CITY OR DIE FUCKING TRYING.
PAULUS: My name is Friedrich Paulus / And this shouldn’t be bad / Our armies have slowed, yes / And I think that’s sad / But I was told to head South alone / And make Stalingrad our very new home / Oh man, it is not … / Very warm over here / But Goering will help us / So never fear!
GOERING: My name is Hermann Goering / And I’m on a lot of drugs / So I can’t help anyone / Who does not have lovely rugs / or furs or art that I can steal / But Hitler seems to trust me / So here is the deal / I said I could help out our armies / But perhaps I should recant / Because unless our troops need condoms / Then, uh, I can’t.
PAULUS: UH, HELLO, HITLER? WE’RE KIND OF SURROUNDED / MY TROOPS ARE DYING / AND I’M A BIT CONFOUNDED / OUT OF 300,000 TROOPS WE’RE DOWN TO 90K / AND I’D LIKE TO SURRENDER / AND TRY AGAIN ANOTHER DAY.
HITLER: Hey there, Paulus / Hitler here / Things aren't going great with you / I fear / But I’m sure you’ve got the situation on lock…
PAULUS: WITH ALL RESPECT, SIR / I DO FUCKING NOT.
HITLER: Well, sure / It’s cold and you’re out of food / But to surrender? Now? / That would be crude! / I’m sure there’s a way for you / To break out / and find your way to victory / So don’t you pout / Tell you what / I’ve got a surprise / It’s a promotion / And it’s a real prize / I’ll make you field marshall / Because you always strive / Just remember: No field marshall has ever surrendered alive.
PAULUS: Nope / No way / I’m not going to do it / I won’t kill myself because you blew it / I’d rather surrender and hope to survive / And pray that some of us / Will get to go home alive.
Author: After Stalingrad, there’s the Battle of Kursk / Where the Nazis' position went from bad to worse / The Russians finally began an offensive / While the Nazis were forced on the defensive.
Eventually, it all ended in Berlin / Where Hitler and his wife Eva shot themselves in / A bunker while outside people still fought / For Germany but all for naught.
Perhaps this is not a great subject for a historical rap musical.