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If Ben Carson Were a Defense Attorney On 'Law & Order'

A play in one act, in which Ben Carson is a bad lawyer

Ben Carson is not a defense attorney on the American police procedural Law & Order. He never appeared as a defense attorney during the show’s run, which lasted from September 13, 1990 to May 24, 2010. But if, let’s say, Ben Carson were a defense attorney on the American police procedural Law & Order, here’s how it might go.

JUDGE: Mr. Carson, are you ready to proceed with your closing argument?

BEN CARSON: Yes, Your Honor. I think I am. I should be, anyway. Maybe not. But hey, it should be short. Not four years long or anything. Though, I mean, four years is not that long. That’s medical school! Not long at all. Four quick years. I’ve got a saying: “It’s faster than the passing of four years of your life.” Because whoosh, four years, just blows right past you. I mean, what’s really the difference between being 16 and being 20? That’s just another four years closer to the sweet, sweet release of death, I say. You blink and four years, it’s gone. Anyway.

OK, here we go. Closing arguments. So, my client. He’s on trial. I mean, that’s why we’re here. Executive Assistant District Attorney Jack McCoy is over there. The judge is over here, and I’m standing, in this room, wearing shoes. Got them on. Tied real tight. Really would not be able to get them off in a timely manner. But that’s why shoelaces are so effective. They really keep your shoes firmly anchored to your feet, which is great, because your feet, oddly enough, are pretty well anchored to the ground, unless your feet are in the air, in which case, they are not.

Now, my client, he’s a murderer. I mean, he probably is. That’s why he’s on trial. That’s why I’m defending him, I guess. Is there another scenario that I would have preferred? The scenario where I’m not defending a murderer and am, instead, at home, eating unsweetened rice pudding while listening to the sound a radio makes when nothing is playing? Yes, but that scenario isn't available. So here I am, defending someone who probably, definitely committed a murder.

I mean, just look at him. He’s got some major defects, there’s no question about it. He kind of just screams “I definitely killed that guy,” doesn’t he? But, here’s the thing. I think he is willing to listen to other people, and not murder them all the time. He may not say that publicly because there is a “being a murderer” issue there that could perhaps use some polishing.

And, really, from my contact with my client, he’s a very intelligent and efficient individual, and I don’t see any reason, quite frankly, why we should demonize him. If you come up with a good reason, I’ll listen to it. I mean, yes, he probably murdered a man using a copper pipe and a copy of Stephen King’s first collection of short stories, Night Shift. Well, lots of people have murdered people with various things. You’ve probably murdered someone with something, too. Yeah, especially you, Juror No. 6. You have definitely murdered someone.

And you know that book, the book my client used to kill that guy, well, a story in that book was the inspiration for the movie Maximum Overdrive, in which machines start killing people, and if machines can kill people all willy-nilly, then, well, you definitely probably killed someone.

And, yes, my client has attacked me with various implements during each of my visits to the maximum-security prison where he is currently being held. But there are two different sides to my client. There’s the one you see right now, with a swastika face tattoo, currently wearing leg irons and surrounded by armed guards because he keeps, you know, trying to kill me, and there’s the one who is very cerebral, sits there and considers things very carefully. You can have a very good conversation with him. That’s the side of my client that you’re going to start seeing more and more of, just as soon as you don’t find him guilty for murder, though, woo-boy, he definitely, definitely is. He totally killed that guy. Yes, yes he did.

So, yes, my client probably definitely killed a man. But you did, too, once, probably, I’m sure. And if you can kill someone and get away with it, then so should my client. And really, everybody believes that we are not killing enough people with pipes and books in the streets of New York; we are not doing things that typically lead to prison time. And he’s probably the person who is most likely to do those horrible things. Are there better people? Probably. I mean, just look at him. But yeah.

The defense rests.