This morning, Reuters reported that Beyoncé has sued a Texas company selling "dozens of shirts, sweaters, tank tops, hoodies, and even coffee mugs" (not the coffee mugs, too!) bearing the phrase "Feyoncé." In a complaint filed on Tuesday in Manhattan, where all the most chic complaints are filed, Beyoncé accused Feyoncé Inc. of "brazenly" selling merchandise that infringed upon her copyrighted name, causing Beyoncé Inc. "irreparable harm." Beyoncé Inc. will not be able to repair itself after this violent blow.
As Jezebel points out, Beyoncé sued another random-ass company for a similar reason about a year ago, forcing the modern-day equivalent of an old-timey peddler pushing a wooden cart full of handmade dolls around a cobblestone square — an Etsy merchant — to take down mugs emblazoned with "Feyoncé." In essence, Beyoncé gives no fucks and takes no prisoners — even if that would-be prisoner is but a simple Etsy seller with trembling hands and a perpetual cough due to the lack of air circulation in their basement apartment, or a brazen Texas retail cowboy with an earnest love of wedding-related puns. Below, we've compiled a list of all of the other companies and entities that Beyoncé is already suing or is definitely going to sue very soon.
Beyoncé has trademarked the letter B, the plural of which is "Bs," which sounds like bees. Beyoncé has also trademarked bees.
2. The person in charge of music at your pharmacy
Sometimes, between Gavin DeGraw's greatest hits and instrumental Shawn Colvin covers, Beyoncé's songs will play at your pharmacy. The person in charge of music at your pharmacy did not clear this with Beyoncé. See you in hell, person in charge of music at your pharmacy.
3. Dunkin' Donuts
If you turn Dunkin' Donuts's logo on its side, it looks like a B. Wow. Nice try, Dunkin' Donuts.
4. Cool moms
Beyoncé is suing cool moms for texting their daughters the word "bae," which sounds like "Bey." Which is short for Beyoncé. Which is copyrighted.
5. Your sad neighbor
You know how your sad neighbor makes little yarn Beyoncés and lines them up on her windowsill and sings to them? You'll see her again in prison.
Beyoncé is suing cats. They know too much.
7. Jeff, who DJ'ed your bar mitzvah
Remember when Jeff, who seemed very drunk but kept saying he was fine, came down from the DJ booth and did a very faithful rendition of "Survivor"? Your mom loved it. Jeff is dead now. I'm not saying who did it, but...
If you google Beyoncé, that little box thing on the side refers to her as a "singer-songwriter." Fuck that, Google! Beyoncé is a singer-songwriter-dancer-actress-athleisure-tycoon-entrepreneur-empress-doctor-farmer-alien queen. Google won't change Beyoncé's search results; expect Google to be shut down and bled of its assets shortly.
9. The town of Rockford, Illinois
Rockford, Illinois, is the birthplace of Michelle Williams, Beyoncé's former bandmate whose installment in Destiny's Child was the harbinger of Destiny's Child's doom. Beyoncé is suing Rockford, Illinois, for not sounding as cool as "Houston" in interviews, thus sealing Destiny's Child's dark fate. Even though she would have left Destiny's Child anyway. It's still unfair.
A lot of people watch football when they could be looking at this photo of Beyoncé wearing a football jersey instead. Talk about "irreparable harm"! After Beyoncé dismantles it and sells it for parts, the NFL as we know it will cease to exist and will be rebranded as the BFL, which stands for the "Beyoncé Feyoncé League," just to drive the knife deeper into those brazen Texans. All of the players will wear half-jerseys and belly chains and nobody will actually play football, they'll just do the move you see above.
11. Jon Hamm
Beyoncé regularly conflates Jon Hamm with his Mad Men character, Don Draper, whom she finds very sexy. He is ruining her marriage. Sued.
12. Matthew Weiner
For writing Mad Men. See above.
13. Blue Ivy
Blue Ivy looks too much like Beyoncé.
14. Jay Z
Jay Z never waits for Beyoncé before he starts eating dinner. She's always walking to the table like, "Are you kidding me, Jay? We've talked about this a million times." Now he is going to be sued.
Beyoncé is suing me for writing this list, not because it's fake, but because it used the word Beyoncé too many times and I didn't ask first.