The People V. O.J. Simpson Morally Corrupt Rankings, Finale: The Verdict

Spoiler alert: O.J. Simpson ranks pretty high on that list

The 10-part FX series American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson, which tells the fascinating tale of Nicole Brown Simpson’s real-life killing and the ensuing media frenzy around the murder trial of her famous ex-husband, O.J. Simpson, has come to an end. One last time, in honor of "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick, let's see how morally corrupt everyone is in "The Verdict" and make a final decision on who's been the most wicked of them all this season.

Here's the SERIES RANKINGS:

1. O.J. SIMPSON

Well, yeah, he murdered people. Allegedly! I guess you legally have to say that, right? IT WAS ALLEGED. But whatever, he got off on murder charges after spending some time in prison, where he got to play poker and not get roughed up. The guards loved him! One of them even tells him that he has nothing to worry about. Which doesn't seem exactly kosher, but if the police are corrupt and beating up black people, why won't they break protocol and tell someone how a jury is going to decide? Before O.J. bails prison, he scribbles "O.J. Was Here" in his cell. I wonder if that's a tourist site now?

To the surprise of no one but O.J., people kind of want nothing to do with the alleged murderer once he's released on a not guilty verdict. Except for some random L.A. trash who can't wait to show up at his house and have pictures taken with him. I wonder if those people IRL still have those photos. Will they #TBT this week on Instagram?

Last Week: 5

2. THE MEDIA

I'm a part of the media, but this is the media of yore, so I feel free to drag it. Not to get all conservatives-talking-about-Trump, but the mainstream media created a monster with this trial. That monster is named Kylie Jenner. But really, the nonstop press surrounding the trial did very little good. It brought Mark Fuhrman's treachery to light, but it didn't really do anything about police brutality. It turned everyone into a villain, everyone into a hero, and ultimately had nothing to say about the O.J. Simpson trial besides "Are you not entertained?"

Last Week: N/A

3. MARK FUHRMAN

The fact that Mark Fuhrman is now a Fox News commentator should surprise no one. His rise in the media didn't tarnish him so much as give way to people who can be outwardly racist, pretend they're actually the victims of "reverse racism" and "PC culture," and make money trashing minorities on cable TV. His Vic Mackey–esque stories on the Fuhrman tapes are also out of control. Even if some of them didn't really happen, he was clearly getting off on saying the n-word more than I do from looking at pictures of Oscar Isaac.

Last Week: 1

4. ROBERT SHAPIRO

One cannot underestimate the deliciousness of this role being played by John Travolta. This petty, temper-tantrum-throwing, Hawaiian-shirt-wearing lawyer was the height of moral corruptitude. He torpedoed the case every chance he got because he was squabbling with Johnnie Cochran, he tried blackmailing Robert Kardashian as a power play, and did I mention the Hawaiian shirts?

Last Week: 10

5. FAYE RESNICK

The morally corrupt Faye Resnick vanished after her interview with Larry King. We didn't even get a fictional depiction of her IRL Playboy spread, which is the only reason she isn't ranked higher on this list. The pill-popping, cigarette-smoking, champagne-swilling housewife started out with concern for her dead friend Nicole Brown Simpson. Then she sold a book full of lesbian affairs and "Brentwood Hellos." It's a shame we never got this insane testimony.

Last Week: N/A

6. JOHNNIE COCHRAN

If the race card has ever existed ever in the history of ever (spoiler alert: It hasn't), then the only person who would've been in possession of it is Johnnie Cochran. Managing to juggle turning Chris Darden into a race traitor, while also pretending O.J.'s Seinfeld-loving ass was a victimized black man, Cochran went above and beyond his duties as a defense attorney and crossed into morally corrupt territory.

With the verdict coming down, he even arranges for Louis goddamn Farrakhan's people to be his security detail on the way to the courthouse. Remember when he offered his services to Beyoncé at the Super Bowl and she was like, "Nah"? Also, Johnnie kind of gets his comeuppance with the saddest "congratulations" cake I have ever seen in my life.

Last Week: 4

7. A.C. COWLINGS

When he wasn't busy singing "You Must Love Me" from Evita, as if anyone really knew who he was when he was driving O.J. around in his white Bronco, he was helping Robert Kardashian maybe dispose of the smoking-gun murder weapon. A.C. did so much for O.J. blindly, because he loved him, but also because, you know, the money, the power, the respect.

Last Week: N/A

8. AMERICA

Marcia Clark is a bitch. O.J. is being unfairly prosecuted. Chris Darden is an Uncle Tom. O.J. is evil. Who's Ron Goldman? Furhman, Furhman, Fuhrman, that boy's up to something. America showed its fame-obsessed ass during this trial and, even before the invention of Twitter, managed to be pretty horrible to people in the public eye with little knowledge of them. Congrats, America!

Last Week: 6

9. MARCIA CLARK

She became a lot less objectionable once she ditched the Rick James perm, so maybe the Jheri curl juice was affecting her character. Still, using Chris Darden as a black prop but then basically ignoring him in the trial wasn't a good move, especially once Fuhrman effectively helped prove the defense's case. Marcia went through the wringer during this trial, but she got her hands dirty, too. At least she kicked her trash husband to the curb and got full custody.

Last Week: 7

10. THE JURY

Remember the messy-as-hell jury? Aside from all the lying wackos they had to kick out, we also get to the deliberation, where mostly the black people say they will NEVER prove that O.J. killed Nicole beyond a reasonable doubt. I mean, I'm not sure they'd believe it with video footage, either, but whatever. They got O.J. off and went about their lives. And five of the jurors made sure they got their coins after the trial.

Last Week: N/A

11. ROBERT KARDASHIAN

Rob's buyer's remorse comes to its logical conclusion when he finally casts himself out of O.J.'s kingdom. All season we've seen Rob recoil from his kids's draw to the bright lights of fame (which, as annoying as they were before, it's weird not to see Kimmy and dem in the finale), the disintegration of his relationship with Kris, and the realization that his friend is a remorseless fiend. Because even if O.J. didn't do it, his glee and lack of compassion regarding Nicole and Ron's death is horrifying. Rob vomits in the courtroom bathroom after the not guilty verdict comes in, then he abandons his friend and his shitty gift (a BIBLE, of all things) at his celebratory house party.

Rob manages to save his soul. He's actually somewhat looked kindly upon IRL, so much that I will repeat my request for someone to send me one of Kanye's Rob Kardashian shirts. THANKS.

(Photo Credit: Gaby Wilson)

Last Week: 12

12. F. LEE BAILEY

Did you know that the real F. Lee Bailey has been disbarred? LMAO. Of course his sleazy behavior caught up to him. Nathan Lane played him to the hilt as a shady slick talker who played both sides of the Dream Team against each other (Cochran versus Shapiro) but ultimately threw his lot in with Cochran. He ended his friendship with Shapiro, but man, what a victory. At least he was only doing his job, not defending a man he was friends with, like Shapiro or Kardashian.

Last Week: 9

13. CHRIS DARDEN

Did Chris deserve the Uncle Tom allegations levied at him? The series argues that he didn't, but he didn't really come off as sympathetic here. He was perfectly fine locking up black people and turning a blind eye to police brutality until he was thrust into the spotlight of the O.J. trial. Then he started claiming Johnnie was race-baiting and making him look bad, when, um, your job record does that for you well enough, boo.

Also, can we talk about how you complained that your "black voice" was ignored only after you bungled the entire glove-fitting incident and couldn't lay the pipe on Marcia?

Last Week: 11

14. GIL GARCETTI

He's mostly here for ignoring the double standards that were levied against Marcia and Chris in the trial and not really doing much to help them. He literally wandered around grousing about how this was all blowing back on him. Maybe try prosecuting that murderer, Gil!

Last Week: N/A

15. JUDGE LANCE ITO

Much like Gaga, Lance lived for the fame, fame, baby, the fame. His aggrandizing fame-seeking persona died down after the first few episodes, when the media started mocking him too. Surprisingly, he's the only major player IRL to have not written a book about his time during the trial. Recusing himself to have someone else decide on the Fuhrman tapes went a long way toward legitimizing him as someone merely doing his job.

Last Week: 8

16. ALAN DERSHOWITZ

REMEMBER THAT COLOMBIAN NECKTIE NONSENSE? Alan and his Annalise Keating antics were the height of ridiculous, but other than that, he didn't really do anything that morally objectionable during the series. He was also barely on.

Last Week: N/A

17. DOMINICK DUNNE

Dominick's tasteless gossiping about the trial during a dinner party was pretty much the height of his morally corrupt behavior. Plus, he was writing for Vanity Fair in ’95, which shows that at least during that period, it wasn't "a giant bore," so take that, Jacques Hyzagi.

Last Week: N/A

18. KRIS JENNER

Kris would surely have ranked higher had the series gone into the Kim Kardashian sex tape years, but alas, this was the charming Brentwood housewife Kris Jenner. She didn't even gossip that much about her friend's death. We all expected Kris to be as morally corrupt as Faye Resnick during this series, but she turned out to be rather … human. Weird.

Last Week: N/A

19. KATO KAELIN

Good-night, sweet blond prince. You didn't have nearly as much screentime as you deserved.

Last Week: N/A

20. BARRY SCHECK

He was kind of sleazy, but also kind of good at his job. So he was pretty much just a regular lawyer, I guess?

Last Week: N/A

21. PEGGY YORK

She should probably be higher since she nearly caused a mistrial by hiding the fact that she knew Mark Fuhrman in order to get her husband on the judge's stand. But she literally appeared for, like, five seconds in one episode.

Last Week: 3

22. LAURA HART MCKINNY

You don't get off that easy for keeping all those tapes of Fuhrman saying the n-word so you could write your little screenplay, sis! But in the grand scheme of things, what struggling screenwriter isn't thirsty?

Last Week: 2

23. DENNIS SCHATZMAN

The anti-police brutality journalist — who said of Marcia Clark, "Who turned her into Rick James?" — could never be the most morally corrupt character in this series.

Last Week: N/A

24. DENISE SIMPSON

Poor Denise doesn't even belong on this list. Jordana Brewster didn't get much to do besides cry, but she did it pretty well.

Last Week: N/A