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A Very Important, Totally Real Interview With Bernie Sanders

An interview with the Democratic Presidential Candidate (that didn't happen in real life, exactly, but whatever)

An interview with Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT).

Senator, thank you so much for …

Bernie Sanders: I HAVE A QUESTION. I HAVE A QUESTION, AND IT IS A QUESTION THAT WILL SHAPE OUR FUTURE, OUR CHILDREN’S FUTURE, AND THE FUTURE OF EVERY GENERATION THAT SUCCEEDS US.

And what is that que—

Sanders: DO YOU HAVE ONION BAGELS HERE? OR IS IT JUST RAISIN? ALL I SEE ARE RAISIN BAGELS ON THIS TABLE.

We can get som—

Sanders: DO YOU KNOW WHAT RAISIN BAGELS DO TO THE AMERICAN ECONOMY? THEY ARE FRAUDULENT BAGELS, AND THE AMERICAN ECONOMY IS FRAUDULENT AS A RESULT.

What do you mean by that?

Sanders: WHAT DO I MEAN BY WHAT?

What you … just said, about raisin bagels …

Sanders: LOOK, WHAT DO I MEAN BY ANYTHING I SAY? WHY DON’T I SUPPORT A MILLION THINGS IN THE WORLD? I WANT AN ONION BAGEL.

OK, moving on. Let’s talk about education in this country. First and foremost, what are your …

Sanders: THE REPUBLICAN PARTY IS TRYING TO PRIVATIZE EVERY SCHOOL IN THIS COUNTRY. THEY WANT TO MAKE EVERY SCHOOL LIKE HOGWARTS. HOGWARTS IS THE BEST WIZARDING SCHOOL IN THE UNITED KINGDOM. BUT HOGWARTS IS A PRIVATE SCHOOL. THERE ARE MILLIONS OF QUALIFIED WIZARDS WHO COULD GO TO HOGWARTS, OR TO DURMSTRANG, BUT HOGWARTS IS A PRIVATE SCHOOL, AND HOGWARTS WILL NOT LET MILLIONS OF BRIGHT, INTELLIGENT WIZARDS ATTEND. THAT IS MORALLY WRONG. DID YOU KNOW THEY STILL SEND OUT ACCEPTANCE LETTERS BY OWL? HOW WILL THOSE OWLS GET TO PEOPLE LIVING IN CROWDED CITIES? HOW WILL THOSE OWLS GET TO LOWER-INCOME WIZARDS AND THOSE LIVING IN MORE ISOLATED COMMUNITIES? THE OWL MAIL SYSTEM, IT IS OUTDATED AND IT IS WRONG AND IT IS PART OF A WIZARD ESTABLISHMENT THAT DENIES ENTRY TO ALL WIZARDS. I WILL NOT STAND BY WHILE WIZARDING SCHOOLS REFUSE THE MOST QUALIFIED STUDENTS. I WILL NOT STAND BY AND LET THAT HAPPEN.

But Hogwarts isn’t re—

Sanders: I AM PROUD TO STAND FOR THE WORKING CLASS, THE WORKING-CLASS WIZARDS, WHO WORK HARD, PAY THEIR TAXES, DON’T USE THE UNFORGIVABLE CURSES, AND WHO TIME AND AGAIN ARE TOLD BY THE BIG BANKS AND THE BIG WIZARDS AND THE MINISTRY OF MAGIC THAT THEY DO NOT BELONG IN THE BEST SCHOOLS. I WILL NOT TOLERATE THAT. I WILL NOT.

Can you take me through your thoughts on North Korea and their continued weapons testing?

Sanders: MY VIEWS ON WIZARDING SCHOOLS ARE SUPPORTED BY EVERY WIZARD AMERICAN IN THIS COUNTRY, I BELIEVE. AND THERE IS A POLITICAL REVOLUTION AFOOT, A POLITICAL REVOLUTION THAT WILL FORCE CONGRESS TO LISTEN TO EVERY WIZARD IN THIS COUNTRY WHO SAYS, “ALL WIZARDING SCHOOLS SHOULD BE OPEN TO EVERYONE, INCLUDING THE MUGGLE-BORN.” THEY WILL GO TO MITCH MCCONNELL’S OFFICE AND THEY WILL SAY, “LET’S OPEN UP THE WIZARDING SCHOOLS.” THAT’S THE POWER OF THE PEOPLE.

But …

Sanders: WE NEED BOLD CHANGE. YOU’RE NOT SEEING THAT FROM SECRETARY CLINTON. SHE’S BEEN WILLING TO GO TO THOSE WIZARDING SCHOOLS, SHE WORKED IN THE MINISTRY, I THINK WE CAN SEE THAT SHE IS A WIZARD ESTABLISHMENT CANDIDATE. I AM AMAZED, AMAZED THAT MILLIONS OF WIZARDS ARE SUPPORTING ME, SUPPORTING THIS CANDIDACY, AND THEY ARE TAKING A STAND FOR FAIRNESS IN MAGIC.

I …

Sanders: AND YOU SAW, YOU SAW THE MINISTRY JUST STAND BY AND WATCH WHEN VOLDEMORT RETURNED, YOU SAW THEM PUNISH HARRY POTTER FOR TELLING THE TRUTH. THAT’S THE ESTABLISHMENT. TIME AND TIME AGAIN, THE ESTABLISHMENT STANDS BY THE STATUS QUO, STANDS BY WHILE VOLDEMORT AND HIS DEATH EATERS KILL INNOCENT WIZARDS AND MUGGLES AND PUNISHES WIZARDS LIKE DUMBLEDORE. THAT’S THE ESTABLISHMENT. I AM NOT THE ESTABLISHMENT. I STAND WITH EVERYDAY WIZARDS, AND AS PRESIDENT I WILL FIGHT FOR THEM. I WILL FIGHT FOR AN OPEN AND FAIR MINISTRY OF MAGIC, ONE WHERE SECRETS AREN’T CONTAINED IN GLASS BALLS IN A BASEMENT BUT ARE AVAILABLE FOR VIEWING ONLINE BY ANY WIZARD WITH AN INTEREST, ONE WHERE N.E.W.T.S ARE NOT A BARRIER TO ENTRY TO THE BEST WIZARDING CAREERS, ONE WHERE EFFECTIVE, LONG-LASTING AND SAFE WANDS ARE NOT ONLY FOR THE WEALTHY. I WILL FIGHT FOR THE WIZARD IN JERSEY CITY AND IN JACKSONVILLE, AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU AND FOR ME AND FOR ALL WIZARDS. THAT IS THE REVOLUTION. IT IS A POLITICAL WIZARDING REVOLUTION.

Senator, North Korea. The North Korean government. They’ve fired ballistic missiles into the Sea of Japan.

Sanders: I do not have an answer to that.