Gwyneth Paltrow Shares Beauty Advice, Even Though Her Daughter Is A Bee

We've gotten hold of the raw, unedited, chemical-free text Gwyneth Paltrow sent to the New York Times for her "Skin Deep" feature

This morning, the New York Times published a story detailing Gwyneth Paltrow's various beauty, wellness, and bee-stinging routines. MTV News hacked into the Times's grid thingie and found the original unedited text of the piece*, sent from Gwyneth to intrepid reporter Bee Shapiro. The original appears below in its entirety.

Skin Care

In general, I love serums and face oils and body oils. I’m a real oil kind of girl. I am 90 parts oil. Sort of like the Tin Man. I carry this very small can of oil with me everywhere I go so that I don't die. I prefer Mobil 1 Extended Performance, but I will accept Honda Pro in a life-or-death pinch. There’s a myth that oil is not good for your skin. I don’t believe that at all, and I also take offense to it, as my skin is flawless, and beneath its surface there is nothing but motor oil. So, lately I’ve been using my Instant Facial and seeing great results. It contains some common grocery store items such as gentle fruit acids, and you feel it go active because there’s a little tingle, sort of like what happens when I start to run low on oil, and Apple and Moses have to grab the tin can and tilt my head back and pour Mobil 1 down my throat until I wake up, gurgling and tingling all over. There are also some beads in it (obviously not the plastic microbeads, because those lodge in your esophagus like bowling balls), and it leaves me as luminescent as the butt of a glow worm. I think you’re supposed to use it only three times a week, but I’ve been using it more. Then I’ll use the day or night cream, or our oil (the oil from the tin can that keeps me alive), and the eye cream.

Sometimes, to stave off thoughts of my mortality, I’ll use a clarifying mask. I like this blue one by May Lindstrom. We did a big story on clean, nontoxic SPFs last summer, and there’s a great one by Drunk Elephant. I also like the ones by Coola and Honest. I only use mineral sunscreens, never the chemicals one. I don’t understand why anyone would put on carcinogens. I don't understand why anyone would strip naked and put on a Nixon mask and climb over my fence and fall asleep in front of my garage. But both things happened.

I also love Tammy Fender body oil. It has a lavender scent, and it’s smooth and really absorbs. "Tammy," I'll say in a casual voice when addressing my body oil directly, "I want to talk to you about GMOs." And I can tell it's listening. I find oil on skin really helps the appearance. And Organic Pharmacy has a body oil I like. Sometimes I’ll just use the organic coconut oil in my kitchen on my legs. Sometimes I'll use my legs to get me to the kitchen. Sometimes I'll use my kitchen as a bathroom.

When I’m on the go, I use Ursa Major face wipes. Also, oil is really good for getting off eye makeup. You don’t want to use a harsh chemical. You don't want to use a pay phone, ever. You do want to support fracking. You don't want to die alone.

Makeup

In the day, I generally don’t wear that much makeup. The culture in L.A.: You’re outside a lot, there’s hiking and swimming, there's dunking your face in a pool filled with sharks that lightly nip away at your dead skin, there's killing a young and beautiful stranger and putting their face on your face (easier without makeup acting as a barrier). It feels, in a way, that you’re more engaged with nature. I usually use a little bit of Tata Harper or RMS. They each have a little cream blush for lips and cheeks. Also Olio e Osso. It’s a beautiful olive oil balm with color in it, and I’ll stain my cheeks with that, or sometimes I will lightly cut into a vein on my palm and use my own oil-blood as stain, because upcycling is very important. Juice Beauty does a great nontoxic mascara and also these liquid lip glosses. It’s less and less hard to find nontoxic stuff, but it's more and more hard to use the word "easier." It’s kind of amazing how much selection is available and how many people watch The Walking Dead, which glamorizes being filthy.

I often go out with just mascara and a little cheek. Just one is all you need; the other cheek stays at home, handwashing my linens. I don’t use bronzer. You need technique to use bronzer, highlighter, and BB cream — all these things my daughter tells me about. She watches YouTube. She's a bee, which means she has a lot of flexibility in terms of her schedule (especially during the off-season) and a lot of options when it comes to makeup. She’s very vocal about what she likes and doesn’t like. I sort of let her do her own thing at home, flying directly into skylights and whatnot. She loves experimenting and she loves making honey. One thing we have in common is that we love the Bee Movie, but we love it for different reasons. I obviously don’t let her out of the house with a full face or without thousands of other bees. But I think she’s going to be way more into beauty than I am.

Fragrance

I collect some fragrances, but recently my head of beauty said you have to stop wearing fragrance because it’s unregulated and all that. We’re having a fight about it. It began when my head of beauty told me, "Gwyneth, you have to stop wearing fragrance because it's unregulated and all that." I laughed loudly (I was inside a large wicker basket, doing Wicker Basket Yoga, so she couldn't really hear me.) My head of beauty said, "I can't really hear you." I told her to fuck herself and she told me that I was a witch. The problem is, I think essential oils haven’t mastered the art of being subtle and layered, and what's worse is they don't seem to care or demonstrate any real interest in self-improvement. They just sit there, staring blankly at me from within their tiny jars. "Are you kidding me?" I say to them, glancing over at my Tammy Fender body oil to make sure she is getting a load of this shit. They aren't kidding and they're not getting any subtler or more layered. So I’m on the fence about fragrance right now. I celebrate the imagery of fences because I think it communicates boundaries, which are important.

Hair

I generally use Shu Uemura shampoo and conditioner. I like a lot of the Japanese ones, which is why I employ hundreds of them. I have dry, damaged, bleached hair, and they work for me (the Japanese people). That’s the one area where I can’t find a nontoxic product that works well. As such, washing my hair is a nightmare, because I am confronted by my own hypocrisy the entire time. Afterward, I have to lie down in a dark room and call Jay Z. Call me back, brother! Haha, one day. I do put the Rodin by Recine hair oil on my ends. For my color, I go to Tracey Cunningham, and for cuts I normally get a trim when I’m doing a photo shoot. The last one was with Adir Abergel. He’s amazing. He can fit an entire motorcycle helmet in his mouth.

Other Services

I’m always the guinea pig to try everything. The other guinea pigs are less open and more ruled by fear. Not me. I’ve got to try them all. I love acupuncture. Also, I just heard of a service called a sound bath, which might be too hippie-ish even for the likes of me, a woman so obsessed by recycling that she once ripped a comforter in half and used it to build two airplanes. It’s some new healing modality. I might not be able to handle it. I might not be able to go to Cannes this year. I might not have a spleen. Nobody's ever checked. Call me back, Jay.

But generally, I’m open to anything. I’ve been stung by bees. To clarify, none of them were my daughter. We do not mix bee business and bee family. She did recommend a few friends for the job, though. It’s a thousands of years old treatment called apitherapy. People use it to get rid of inflammation and scarring. Other people use it to prove to their enemies that they are unpredictable and insane. It’s actually pretty incredible, if you research it. But, man, it’s painful. It's more painful than watching your daughter abandon all dignity and self-control when she encounters an open can of Coke. I haven’t done cryotherapy yet, but I do want to try that. I'm just nervous about being cold. I am never wearing fewer than four layers of alpaca. I haven't been cold in 14 years.

Diet and Fitness

I definitely believe in exercise being an important part of your routine, just like sleeping and mailing a dead cat gripping a bottle of perfume in its paws to your head of beauty as a warning. I’m a die-hard Tracey Anderson fan. I do boxing occasionally. I have a membership at a little boxing gym. It’s pretty down and dirty. It's actually a heap of garbage at the end of my driveway that somebody forgot to pick up. I climb to the top of it and spend several hours punching Moses's old car seat. I have to go back. I haven’t gone since Christmas. I'm actually not sure it's even there anymore. I think the garbagemen may have come.

But I have a slightly easier philosophy, all around, than 10 years ago. I think I see now that life is really a balance. And it’s great to eat nutrient-dense organic food, if you can. It’s also really great to drink a vodka and have french fries. It's also really great to accidentally walk through a sliding glass door because you're drunk and make the joke about Sliding Doors before anybody else has the chance to. Your metabolism does slow as you get older, though, as does your ability to discern what is and what is not a door. If I have to get into tiptop shape and don't have time to pick shards of glass out of my hemp poncho, I have to be more careful. But I also don’t seem to care as much as I did. I think I can really thank Apple for that. She's survived so many glass-door accidents.

*This is fake as hell.