If Beyoncé had dropped an album this week, I very well might have skipped Delete Your Account so I could do nothing but listen to it on repeat until I rose to the heavens and met God herself. She did, however, grace us with some new workout gear you can wear in Instagrams, releasing an ad for her new athleisure line, Ivy Park, which resulted in Lululemon getting stung by the Beyhive. Also this week: Out magazine failed at a clapback, Susan Sarandon and Debra Messing remade the cliff-jumping scene from Thelma & Louise, Kim Kardashian and a Robin Thicke backup dancer revealed that they've never googled the word "empowerment" in their lives, and Actors' Equity took the phrase "The Great White Way" literally.
OUT MAGAZINE
Here's the scenario. Mykki Blanco and songwriter Jesse St. John were having a conversation about the white man's burden that is LGBT media. They brought up a lot of really good points: The majority of gay magazine covers belong to shirtless white men (most of whom are straight); there's a dearth of LGBT writers of color for these publications; black people and trans people are usually only written about when we're dying or have been murdered. There are some very interesting opinions here. Also, these are actual facts. But of course, some social-media intern decided to get buck with Mykki and tweet: "surely you haven't forgotten that you've been profiled in the Out 100."
Whew! First of all, you know who addresses people with "surely you haven't forgotten"? A mother when she's reprimanding her child, or a soap opera villainess about to blackmail her rival. You are neither, so let's not ever address a grown adult like that again. Second, instead of responding to a legit critique from a respected and innovative member of the LGBT community, your first response was a weak clapback. How many other black people can you remind about their inclusion in the Out 100? How many get covers when you don't literally have 100 slots to fill? And it's certainly not the response to have when your Out 100 Eligible Bachelors list looks like this…
Should Out Delete Its Account? No, because that social-media intern was probably fired the second those replies started rolling in, and that’s punishment enough -- but maybe hand over the passwords to anyone who's not white.
THE CUT
Speaking of magazines (Full disclosure: I was formerly employed by Vulture, which, like The Cut, is a New York magazine vertical) and their social-media accounts wilding out, this tweet isn't just rude, it's nasty and reckless. I get it, women get a lot of disproportionate hate on the Internet. Like, the experience of being a woman on the Internet is a violent, often dangerous, entirely shitty one. And far be it from me to defend the privilege of white gay men, but yo … Wentworth Miller saw a shitty meme pop up online that reminded him of the time he wanted to kill himself. Pick another fucking time to make someone's mental-health struggles about your brand. And read facts about LGBT suicide before making a pithy remark about someone who has never done anything but try to inspire other gay kids who've been on a similar journey.
Should The Cut Delete Its Account? No, I fucking like The Cut. But this was a really gross tweet.
CHRIS BROWN
The Cut's tweet was not as gross as this pathetic display of human behavior. Do you know how many times I've defended you, Chris Brown? Said that there was disproportionate focus on one incident in your life, when compared with the rampant offenses white male abusers in Hollywood are allowed to commit unchecked? I thought that you might just maybe grow up. That having a daughter might return your soul from whatever Buffy the Vampire Slayer hell dimension it disappeared to. But nah. When singer Kehlani is hospitalized for attempting suicide, you mock her, saying she's "flexing for the gram"? The fuck is wrong with you? When did you become the Humpty Dumpty of human beings, toppling from a brick wall and shattering into pieces that all the king's men will never be able to put back together again?
Let's talk about the absolute gall of you telling someone they're "doing shit for sympathy" when your entire career post-assaulting Rihanna has been begging for sympathy like you're a "Showtime!" performer on a crowded subway train? How dare you ridicule someone's struggle with mental health when you sat in a goddamn courtroom and fed a judge a story about how your bipolar disorder and PTSD were the reason for your Kool-Aid Man aggression problems? I always thought you appearing on my new favorite artists' tracks was helping them get some relevance in a crowded industry. So I accepted you on Tinashe's "Player." On Zendaya's "Something New." On Rita Ora's "Body on Me." But now I see it's you clinging to relevance, as always, on women whose careers and souls will go to heights you'll never reach.
Should Chris Delete His Account? Yes. Good riddance.
SUSAN SARANDON, PART I
Never in my life did I think that dope-ass Susan Sarandon would be featured in Delete Your Account, but I guess if even Meryl is wearing "I'd rather be a rebel than a slave" shirts and saying "we're all African," damn, anything's possible. Appearing on All In With Chris Hayes, Susan Sarandon gave an interview about how she's been feeling the Bern. Which, duh. She supported Ralph Nader in the past; she’s practically selling bongs from the top of a tree in Berkeley. But when pressed about whether she'd vote for Hillary Clinton if Bernie Sanders didn't receive the nomination, Susan was cagey and said, "I don’t know. I’m going to see what happens." Mmmmmmmmmmmm. OK. She then went on to say, "Some people feel that Donald Trump will bring the revolution immediately if he gets in, things will really explode." So while she didn't say she would vote for Trump at all, yes, she didn't explicitly say to Chris Hayes, "NO, I WILL NOT VOTE FOR TRUMP." So pardon everyone at home for being like, ma, wyd?!
But listen, no one is trying to start a fight with Susan Sarandon. I wouldn't even have included her this week if things hadn't spiraled incredibly, horribly, and tragically out of control…
SUSAN SARANDON, PART II: DEBRA MESSING
Who knew Susan Sarandon's political leanings were a mystery that Laura was desperate to solve? Thanks to Jamie Lee Curtis instigating a Twitter war like a wayward Faye Resnick visiting The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, a celebrity feud for the ages was born. Hollywood hasn't seen an actress tussle with a bottle redhead since Lucille Ball ripped Patty Duke apart in the press for going after her underage son and pretending he was the father of her child.
After Jamie drew blood, she fled the scene and let Debra come in to do her dirty work. And work work work work work work she did. Debra let out a flurry of tweets attacking Susan, her politics, and why it's shitty to vote for Trump. Which, as I've stated above, Susan did not specifically say she would do. Debra attacked her voting history, while Susan painted Bernie as the superior choice to the morally corrupt Hillary Clinton.
The entire war was chronicled here, but, um, let's try to unpack this, shall we? I think you're classy and I appreciate how stuck to your guns you are, Susan, but you also keep pretending like you completely disavowed Trump in your interview when you know it wasn't the case. Like, just admit it and move on. And Debra. Miss Debra. Thank you for pointing out the reasons why Trump is a mess, but damn, can you go find Megan Mullally for a Will & Grace reunion or something? If only The Mysteries of Laura were this dramatic, maybe it would already be renewed for a third season. Maybe what you really need to do is turn your Twitter fingers into scriptwriting fingers and write the next season yourself.
Should Susan Delete Her Account? I didn't even realize Susan was on Twitter until this kerfuffle, which she didn't start, so she's fine. She can stay.
Should Debra Delete Her Account? She gives so many gays and sick Smash obsessives joy on Twitter with her antics, I'd hate to take that away from them. Maybe she should just pack a suitcase full of easy-breezy scarves and take herself on a long vacation.
EMILY RATAJKOWSKI
Girl, again? You know I was ready to ignore this Kim Kardashian photo because the thirst of repeating your previously controversial tweet just to get more attention for new releases in your Kimoji app is bordering on Instagram thot levels of desperate. But Emily, some girl I don't know but who apparently was in Robin Thicke's rapey video with stolen Marvin Gaye beats, has gone on record as saying she's tired of being referred to as the girl from the "Blurred Lines" video. Sis, that's at least a step up from being an extra in a Kim Kardashian thirst-o-gram.
I will forever defend the right of anyone at all to post naked-ass pictures of themselves on the Internet if they want. But what you won't do is drop a naked bathroom selfie that literally nobody asked for, and that promotes not a single project, just for some goddamn attention, and then prattle on about how women should have the freedom of when and how to express their sexuality. How you manage to find oppression where there literally is none is beyond me. No one is oppressing you for being naked, girl. You're still getting work. It's women of color who get shamed for their bodies when they're merely doing things like playing tennis or performing music on live television, so how about you return to your white feminist book club and pick Melissa Harris-Perry's Sister Citizen: Shame, Stereotypes, and Black Women in America as your selection of the month?
Should Emily Delete Her Account? Didn't Robin Thicke vanish after "Blurred Lines"? Can you follow suit?
PIERS MORGAN
Well, if feminism is dead, at least it lasted longer than your canceled show on CNN. No one asked for your opinion, Piers. No one ever asks for your opinion on women, on race, or even on what the best flavor at Jamba Juice is, so I don't know why you keep offering it. Aren't you the host of Good Morning Britain? Can you go talk about British shit and leave America alone? And while you're discussing matters of feminism, you know what's awfully non-feminist? Telling a woman to "toughen up" after she's abused by a presidential candidate's campaign manager. Do you believe anything that comes out of your mouth, or do you literally do it for attention? Congrats, I guess. Your trash tweets more retweets than the number of viewers who ever watched your show the five seconds it was on air.
Should Piers Delete His Account? For the love of God, yes. If the queen of Britain can't do anything about this, like stick him in the Tower of London for the rest of his life, why does Britain even have a monarchy?
ACTORS' EQUITY ASSOCIATION
You know why Hamilton is popular? Not just because Lin-Manuel Miranda created a great show that retells American history in an innovative and engaging way. It's also because it's a story told by a diverse, multicultural cast. Because The Great White Way, which Broadway is nicknamed, is usually full of white faces. You don't see people of color in new, exciting musicals like Next to Normal, Catch Me If You Can, or Fun Home, or even remakes like How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying. They either get relegated to chorus roles or have to wait until shows like Motown or Miss Saigon roll around to even be considered for leads. In fact, multiple Broadway listings mention that the characters in the show are Caucasian. Which, to put it in terms everyone can understand, means WHITES ONLY.
So heaven forbid that Hamilton make a casting announcement seeking only diverse actors for the show. Someone had to go and get their feelings hurt because the one time a Broadway casting notice doesn’t cater to white people, because the one time the non-white show is actually the most popular show on Broadway, they want to be included. They enlisted the Ben Carson of Civil Rights attorney, Randolph McLaughlin, to call out Hamilton for "discriminatory" behavior. Girl, get all the way the fuck outta here with your non-white ass playing for the "reverse racism" team. Everything about the drama surrounding Hamilton's casting was petty, offensive, and just plain low.
But even worse was Actors' Equity's response after Hamilton producers changed the casting notice to include all races. Oh, you're happy to see all ethnicities welcome? What about the casting announcements that say all characters are Caucasian? Who cares about the time period it's set in? If Hamilton can embrace diversity in telling the story of America's founding, surely we can see non-white actors during a musical set in the 1940s. You know black people existed then, right? Does this increase in diversity for all mean that we're going to see Thoroughly Modern Moolie next season?
After getting dragged and collected on Twitter, Actors' Equity deleted its wack tweet and issued both a letter of apology and several tweets to everyone who called it out on its backward behavior for chastising Hamilton while allowing every other show on Broadway to drip with whiteness. It was actually a very professional and respectable way to deal with a controversy that never should've happened in the first place but might hopefully go a long way toward creating more opportunities for non-white actors to get work on Broadway.
Should Actors' Equity Delete Its Account? No, but only because it rightfully stepped up after being called out.
LULULEMON
Hmmm...
Are you serious? Do you think Beyoncé decided to imitate your expensive-ass Olivia Newton-John lycra yoga pants that straight-up show your whole butt? Do you think she looked to a brand with nary a black person in any of its ads for inspiration in making clothing? Do you know how long people have been selling athleticwear? Do you think a company that has already come under fire in the past for its CEO's shitty comments, like how funny it is for Japanese people to pronounce the "L" in Lululemon, should really be taking credit for a black woman's business venture? Go buy some advertising space on Goop.com and leave Beyoncé the hell alone.
Should Lululemon Delete Its Account? Unless you want to live in constant fear of the Beygency, I'd figure out another place for your dumb Beyoncé song puns and go ahead and hit that "delete account" button with a quickness.