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You may remember Brandon Routh as the gentleman cast as the title character in Bryan Singer's attempted revival of the Superman franchise, "Superman Returns." Or, you may not.
One person who does remember Brandon Routh as Superman once upon a time? Brandon Routh. In a NextMovie exclusive — meaning, in a thoroughly fictional, ridiculously dramatized original piece from a snarky writer — we tracked down Routh and asked him to record a running diary as he watched "Man of Steel," the Superman movie starring Henry Cavill, over a few adult beverages.
Here are the results, completely unedited:
(5 minutes before the movie): Barely anyone here, like I thought. Just ol B-Routh and this handy dandy bottle of Glenlivet, and maybe a few sadistic Batman fans getting ready for a "Man of Steel" train wreck on a Friday night. They're cool. We'll all be laughing together soon in our Christian Bale Batman voices. Batman's the best, except for the Brandon Routh version of Superman.
(2 minutes before the movie): S**t, this theater got full pretty quickly. I mean the name alone is bound to make it a few bucks, right? So lame. I bet they're all here to see Michael Shannon anyway. "Boardwalk Empire" rules.
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(:01 minute in): Ugh, child birth? Gross! Just from that scene, this is already worse than "Superman Returns," but we knew that already.
(:07 minutes in): Wife just bailed. It was definitely because this movie blows and not because I just accidentally spilled Glenlivet in her lap and she "doesn't even know why I agreed to do this." Don't even blame her, this is so weak. The movie, I mean.
(:09 minutes in): Oh cool, baby dick. Sweet idea, Zack Snyder. Everyone loves baby dick. Good move. Crowd pleaser. God this sucks.
(:16 minutes in): Awwww, lil itty bitty Clarky's getting bullied. Wahhh. This kid's such a pussy. I would absolutely kick his ass. What? Yeah, I know, he's like ten or something. I'm supposed to care?
(:19 minutes in): #Routh Superman would have let the bus drown. He's got principles, unlike this new beeeyatcchhh.
(:25 minutes in): Ughhh Amy Adams is sooo much bettttttter than Kate Bosworth this is such bulllllls**t.
(:28 minutes in): Just told an usher to suck it. He took it because he knew he was talking to the REAL Superman. #RealSuperman #Routh #RouthOwns #CavillMoreLikeGayvill
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(:34 minutes in): This movie has so many cool people in it. Costner. Crowe. Why wasn't Diane Lane my mom? Then I'd be like, "I get it, Freud!" LOL. Not many people know I'm funny but I am. Note to self: Text Singer when this is over with a "WTF dude??" Actually f**k it doing it now.
(:39 minutes in): "Brandon, please stop texting this number." Okay bro. Singer's hilarious sometimes.
(:49 minutes in): Real talk, I actually respect the hell out of Costner. "Bull Durham" is sick. He's kind of killing this "Hey on another note you're an alien" scene, too. Ughhhh ol' B-Routh's getting sad, you guys. Gonna be strong.
(:54 minutes in): Morpheus too? Come onnnnnnnn mannn so weak!
(1:02 minutes in): Sooo bored so just Google imaged "Brandon Routh" on my phone (Google finishes it after you type "Brandon R"). LOOK AT THIS PICTURE. You're telling me this dude isn't good enough to be Superman more than once? I'm not staring at you, I'm staring THROUGH you.
Bring it Cavill. You wish you had these eyes.
(1:11 minutes in): We haven't talked about this yet — um, whose idea was it to make Superman British? Last time I checked this was 'Merica and ... s**t how am I already running out of Glenlivet?
(1:17 minutes in): Oh okay sure Zod and his army can just access every television around the world and speak in every language. Ok Zack. Yeah, NBD, just Zod speaking Farsi. And what's with "You are not alone"? What's the point of that? They're looking for one dude — why the "And BTW we're aliens yep I know super cool." Ugh where's Spacey when you need him, am I right? Don't answer that, I'm right. #Routh
(1:22 minutes in): Uh okay this isn't gay or anything but I will say this: Cavill is like a really good looking dude I mean damn that jawline have to admit I'm starting to get it you guys NO NO he still sucks ...
(1:23 minutes in): Might be pretty drunk now.
(1:33 minutes in): Okay but seriously does anyone know what happens in the scene where Gayvill and Adams are in Zod's ship together? Russell Crowe just, shows up? Ooooook then, ha.
(1:38 minutes in): Guy next to me just asked if I was crying. Crying! It's like, uh, dude, I'm made of steel, I don't cry. LOL. #Routh (Editor's Note: This line was noticeably smudged.)
(1:45 minutes in): Yeah cool "Man of Steel" sweet movie oh whoops who put this here? (To editor: please put that sick scene from SR where I save the plane plz it's on utube w/like a billion likes thx.) (Editor's Note: Okay, Brandon.)
(1:51 minutes in): Way more of a D'onofrio guy than a Meloni guy, always was, always will be #Law&OrderCriminalIntent4Lyfe
(1:55 minutes in): Def. rooting for the chick w/ the short blk hair to beat the bag out of Cavill here I bet she's at least American ... k sry cheap shot ugh what have i become ...
(2:02 minutes in): IIIIII wouldn't have torched all of Metropolis to take out oneee guy even if it's Michael Shannon the whole place is in flames but of course all the citizens are still just like "mehhh Superman saved us we're soooo appreciative mehhhhh" just SHUT UP and SHUT UP. Sry to yell.
(2:10 minutes in): OVERACTING ALERT OVERACTING ALERT we get it Gayvill you had to kill a guy relax with a chill pill. Who taught u how to act, Shouty McShouterson ... or, yeah?
(2:13 minutes in): F**k it what do i have to lose Im just gonna say this about Henry. He's (Editor's Note: Three lines were furiously scribbled out after "He's," followed by) a REALLY NICE GUY PROBably uggggh...
(2:20 minutes in): Oh sweet sequel nice who saw that coming #allofus #notcrying
(2:28 minutes in - end of movie): ok WHY are the lights so bright we can all see if were blind wouldn't b here thx
Editor's note: Thanks, Brandon! And good luck!