At this point, it's common knowledge that fighting off herds of the undead or intergalactic rebels requires more than just a few hand-held weapons. In fact, sometimes it requires more than just hands.
Sure, our limbs accomplish a myriad number of essential tasks every day – walking, kicking holding things, pointing, giving people the finger – but the sad truth is that they'll never be able to spray a hail of bullets or eviscerate enemies on their own. For those special battle-ready features, the body requires a few extra enhancements beyond what God gave you. After all, why replace a leg with a dopey wooden peg when a fully-loaded machine gun will do just fine?
In honor of the "Evil Dead" reboot and the franchise's longtime celebration of weaponized extremities, we've compiled a list of nine characters who turned a lost limb or imminent threat into an opportunity to upgrade their bodies into something far more badass than before.
[caption id="attachment_172826" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Renaissance Pictures[/caption]
1. Ash's chainsaw hand from 'Evil Dead II'
It's bad enough when you're fighting legions of demons you unwittingly unleashed from a skin-covered book, but what happens when your own hand becomes possessed and fights against you? If you're Ash, you get rid of the problem, literally, by promptly hacking off the bedeviled body part. Immediately following his self-amputation, Ash remedies his bloody stump predicament by snapping a fully-functional chainsaw where his hand once existed and iconically christens the end result "Groovy." Audiences emphatically agreed, and after putting his chainsaw hand to good use against the demon armies in "Army of Darkness" a few years later, Ash's brutal new appendage became the envy of handless demon slayers everywhere.
[caption id="attachment_172825" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Dimension Films[/caption]
2. Cherry Darling's machine gun leg from 'Planet Terror'
Exotic dancer and aspiring stand-up comedian Cherry Darling had both of her career opportunites destroyed once her leg was mauled by a horde of zombies. Although initially despondent over her new one-legged existence, her resolute boyfriend El Wray attached a wooden table leg to her fresh stump in order to help her out of the undead-infested hospital where she was recuperating. Although her peg leg accomplished plenty of awesome evil-slaying deeds (including stabbing Quentin Tarantino straight through the brain), she didn't make the most of her missing limb until she upgraded her prosthetic from a piece of wood to a modified M4 Carbine with a M203 grenade launcher attachment. Exactly how she was able to pull the trigger on a leg gun will forever remain a mystery, but it's really hard to care after seeing the magnificence of a horde of zombies falling prey to a machine gun leg-derived hail of bullets and explosions.
[caption id="attachment_172824" align="aligncenter" width="500"] SKA Films[/caption]
3. Bullet-Tooth Tony's bullet tooth from 'Snatch'
Bounty hunter Bullet-Tooth Tony earned his nickname in a pretty awesome, albeit somewhat obvious way: an attempted gunshot to the face by a would-be assassin knocked out Tony’s tooth and lodged itself in his gums, instantly making the already huge and intimidating thug look even more pants-crappingly scary. With a single flash of the shiny bullet in his grin, he instantly demonstrates to any adversary that his grill will literally stop any bullet that comes his way. Also, his tooth-brushing regimen is probably incredibly complicated.
[caption id="attachment_172823" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Ambin Entertainment[/caption]
4. Captain Hook's hook in 'Hook'
Losing a hand in battle to a hungry crocodile can be an experience that would break most men. For Captain Hook, however, it became his defining moment. Not one to admit defeat, Hook turned his tragedy to his advantage by replacing the missing appendage with a enormous shiny hook, an always battle-ready weapon that became his primary instrument of intimidation when confronting his enemies. From loudly creating telltale scratches on walls to stroking the faces of hostages during questioning, Captain Hook's namesake armament instilled fear in Peter Pan and the rest of his adversaries just as much as it helped cut his glove-shopping budget in half.
[caption id="attachment_172822" align="aligncenter" width="500"] New Line Cinema[/caption]
5. Sharks With Frickin' Laser Beams Attached to Their Heads in 'Austin Powers in Goldmember'
Just a few moments of watching Shark Week on Animal Planet is enough to paralyze most people in fear. It was for this reason that Austin Powers' nemesis Dr. Evil wanted them in his employ, but he knew that these toothy monsters of the deep still needed a little something extra to make them even more effective killing machines: cranium-mounted laser beams. Yes, why instantly devour a water-logged adversary when you can fry them from a distance as well? It wasn't until the movie series' third installment that he finally got his wish in the form of a gift from Scott. When one of the sharks instantly zaps one of Dr. Evil's underlings in a show of force, it's impressive enough for him to declare Scott "the best evil son an evil dad could ever ask for." Shark Week just got a lot more interesting.
[caption id="attachment_172821" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Orion Pictures[/caption]
6. Big Louie's attachment hand in 'UHF'
Unlike the other characters on this list, this bookie villain from 'Weird Al' Yankovic's cult classic film didn't settle on merely one attachment for the hand he presumably lost in a doomed bet. Rather than implanting a hook, gun or a chainsaw on his stump, he instead opts for a screw-peg in order to attach whatever tickles his fancy. At one point the film, he brandishes a meat cleaver, and at other times utilizes a fake hand that wouldn't be mistaken for the real thing even from a distance. Although these are the only two attachments showcased in the film, it's not hard to believe that they're just part of an entire arsenal of gadgets, gizmos and objects both sharp and blunt that he has at his disposal. After all, why settle for one weapon when there's so many options?
[caption id="attachment_172820" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Lucasfilm[/caption]
7. Anakin Skywalker's cybernetic suit from 'Star Wars: Episode III - Revenge of the Sith'
Okay, true, this may not be an artificial limb such as a new arm, hand or leg, but that doesn’t erase the fact that Anakin Skywalker's entire cybernetic suit is basically a full-body prosthetic. After lava envelops his entire body during a crucial battle with Obi-Wan Kenobi, Anakin's burnt husk of a body is rescued by Emperor Palpatine and implanted into multi-purpose black body armor. The suit not only catalyzes Anakin's new persona as Darth Vader but also helps him breathe, as evidenced by the iconic respirator sounds that accompany his intimidating presence everywhere he goes. Any suit that helps transform Hayden Christensen’s whiny Anakin voice into the authoritative, fearsome James Earl Jones voice of Vader is a psychological weapon that deserves an entry on this list.
[caption id="attachment_172819" align="aligncenter" width="500"] New Line Cinema[/caption]
8. The Fembots' explosive assets in the 'Austin Powers' films
Sure, they look like leggy, brainless go-go dancers with hair as big as their chests, but their retro-charm exterior is hiding something far more deadly. Each android houses two barrels full of uncompromising gunfire, all front-loaded right into each Fembot's bust. Their looks, combined with their hidden weaponry, are intended by Dr. Evil to make them the perfect covert assassins to finally finish the job against the perpetually horny Austin Powers. However, their boob-derived bullets never accomplish the task over the course of all three films. Perhaps Dr. Evil needs to look towards the next entry on the list …
[caption id="attachment_172818" align="aligncenter" width="500"] Open Road Films[/caption]
9. Madame Desdemona's machine gun bra in 'Machete Kills'
Granted, this movie hasn't been released yet, but judging solely from the image above, Sofia Vergara's character in the upcoming "Machete" sequel already looks like a considerable upgrade from the Fembots' similarly-placed artillery. Bigger boobs, bigger guns and a faster-rate of fire are instantly distinguishable from the image above, most likely making Madame Desdemona’s rack two unstoppable juggernauts of death when it comes to chest-derived firepower.