A Fashion Critique of the Gentlemen of the 2013 Oscars

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You're a woman at the Academy Awards. Congratulations! Either you're nominated (the nerves!) or you're there to enjoy the show (the glam!). But this isn't just any other night in the spotlight. This isn't the ****ing Blockbuster Entertainment Awards, ladies.

This is the big leagues. This is the Oscars. You have to wear a dress that stuns. And you have to know who made it, and when, and why, and how, and if the dress's designer had any underlying motivations of resentment or jealousy towards his or her extended family that went into the creation of the dress, and how that made him or her feel about living a life in the 21st century. Because Joan Rivers and Ryan Seacrest want to know, dammit, and so does everyone watching at home.

O you're a guy at the Academy Awards. Congratulations! Either you're nominated (the nerves!) or you're there to enjoy the show (the glam!). It's pretty much just any other fancy night - just rock a nice, dry-cleaned tux and remember to brush your teeth. In fact: Have one of those t-shirt tuxes lying around? Those are fine, too. Just enjoy yourself. Maybe buy a hotel room in advance and ask Jennifer Aniston if she's down for anything later.

It's an unfortunate double standard, and it ends today, folks. This morning at NextMovie, we're evening the playing field. It's time for an honest fashion critique of the gentlemen.

Black Tuxedo with Black Bowtie

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Who wore it? By my final count, 3,985 dudes (margin of error +/- 27 dudes).

Who wore it best? Ang Lee

Who wore it worst? George Clooney

Why? Because Ang Lee's speech for his surprise "Best Director" win was kind and gracious, so his black tuxedo with black bowtie attire all of a sudden became better-looking than everyone else's. And because there is no rhyme or reason for any of this, and it's rare otherwise, it's frankly just a lot of fun to make Clooney come in last in a "Who looked the best?" contest. I can picture him, after being informed of his "worst" ranking, smirking, hands in pockets, starting off each sentence charmingly looking at the ground, and casually saying, "You...you didn't really think I looked bad tonight, right?" To which I'd look him in the eye, put my hand on his shoulder, and reply, "George, Ang Lee made you look like you had leprosy." And we'd both laugh and laugh and laugh, and then after we calmed down a bit, I'd add, "I'm totally serious."

Also check out: A Genuine Recap of Men's Oscar Fashion

Black Tuxedo with Black Tie

Who Wore It? By my final count, 587 dudes (margin of error +/- 6 dudes).

Who Wore It Best? Shawn Christensen, director of the short film "Curfew"

Who Wore It Worst? Quentin Tarantino

Why? I know it's part of the man's style, but Tarantino always rocks a tux like exactly six minutes ago he was fornicating with a married woman and her husband came home from work early and he had to hastily throw on his clothes and jump out of the second floor window. Christensen's suit, meanwhile, seemed like it fit him well. So hooray, Shawn, you just beat Quentin Tarantino at something, hopefully making up for the fact that none of us will probably ever see you again. (Just kidding, Shawn!) (Not at all kidding, Shawn, just the sad truth, but please enjoy your completely meaningless, thoroughly tongue-in-cheek victory in this category.)

Navy Blue Suit with Navy Blue Tie

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Who Wore It? By my final count, 23 dudes (margin of error +/- .75 dudes).

Who Wore It Best? Christoph Waltz

Who Wore It Worst? Daniel Day-Lewis

Why? I don't know. The insignificance of Daniel Day-Lewis as "worst-dressed" makes me laugh. But I do know this: If you went out to dinner with Waltz and Day-Lewis, the two would end up charmingly jousting back and forth for 45 minutes over who'd get the check, each never losing their just-happy-to-be-there smile, neither becoming angry with the other in the slightest. One of them would probably end up "going to the wash room" only to secretly approach the waitress with their credit card. The only thing they'd both agree on is that you're not paying. My point is this: I'd really like to go to dinner with Christoph Waltz and Daniel Day-Lewis.

Also check out: Anne Hathaway's Nipples And The Oscars' Biggest Social Trends

Black Jacket, Black Shirt, Black Bowtie, and Kilt

Who Wore It? Mark Andrews, Director, "Brave" (margin of error 0).

Who Wore It Best? Mark Andrews, Director, "Brave"

Who Wore It Worst? Mark Andrews, Director, "Brave"

Why? Because sadly, no one** other than Mark Andrews, the director of "Brave," thought to show up last night in a black jacket, black shirt, black bowtie, and kilt, and so he must take both "Best" and "Worst" honors. (**Reportedly, Christopher Plummer was originally also donning this exact outfit, but changed into a regular tuxedo in the nearest porta-potty on the red carpet out of embarrassment when he saw that he was dressed the same as Andrews.)

Black Jacket, Black Shirt, Black Tie

Who Wore It? By my final count, 7 dudes (margin of error +/- .18 dudes)

Who Wore It Best? Robert Downey, Jr.

Who Wore It Worst? Simon Hayes, sound mixer, "Les Miserables"

Why? I watched "Iron Man" on Saturday and I have no shame in saying that Robert Downey, Jr. is kind of my dude crush ("Dude Crush" - incredible emo band name, above average wrestler name). I've never had a dude crush on Simon Hayes, the sound mixer for "Les Miserables," so this one was pretty rigged. Well, even more so than the others. Sorry, Simon. You'll just have to take solace in your Oscar.

Black Jacket, Black Shirt, Black Bowtie (and Regular Pants)

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Who Wore It? By my final count, 3 dudes (margin of error +/- .07 dudes)

Who Wore It Best? Jamie Foxx

Who Wore It Worst? John Travolta

Why? Their suits are a wash, but Foxx gets extra credit for bringing along his absolutely out-of-nowhere stunning 19-year-old daughter. Where is your stunning 19-year-old daughter, John? Jamie clearly wanted the win in this category more, and he's rewarded for his efforts.

Whatever The Hell Samuel L. Jackson Damn Well Pleases

Who Wore It? By my final count, Samuel L. Jackson (margin of error 0)

Who Wore It Best? Samuel L. Jackson

Who Wore It Worst? N/A

Why? Because Samuel L. Jackson does whatever he wants.

The Evening's Best Dressed Guy

Winner: Seth MacFarlane

Why? Because he will probably be raked over the coals today, and I actually didn't think he was that bad, so he gets the pity victory. Congratulations, Seth! Be sure to mention this article in any potential rebuttal when someone's review of the show calls you "pedestrian" or something similarly pompous.

And now, enjoy the 33 Best Oscar Reaction Shots: