Versus: The Rock Vs. Dwayne Johnson

[caption id="attachment_166865" align="alignleft" width="300"]The Rock vs. Dwayne Johnson / Summit[/caption]

One used to take us for a wild ride down Know Your Role Boulevard and Jabroni Drive before he checked us in at the Smackdown Hotel. The other is cast in Susan Sarandon movies.

One had his own theme music that strangers sang along to as he entered various American arenas. The other pretends to race cars with Vin Diesel.

One frequently knocked out his scantily-clad colleagues by landing on them with his elbow. The other has probably never done that ... at least not in any kind of official capacity.

One is The Rock. The other is Dwayne Johnson.

The following contest is scheduled for one fall — and for one awesome blog post on NextMovie. Now let's do this!

Cooler Alias

The Rock: "Dwayne Johnson"

Dwayne Johnson: "The Rock"

Advantage: A '99 Pedro Martinez 12/6 curve ball to start the proceedings! Dwayne Johnson can tell people at bars that he sometimes goes by "The Rock" while The Rock had to spit out "'s actually Dwayne Johnson," likely after constant prodding. The point goes to Dwayne Johnson — "Or as I'm sometimes known, 'The Rock.'"

[caption id="attachment_166867" align="alignright" width="300"]Triple H & Vin Diesel / Universal[/caption]

Noteworthy Beatdown Victim

The Rock: Triple H (WWE Backlash, 2000)

Dwayne Johnson: Vin Diesel ("Fast Five," 2011)

Advantage: This is razor-close. The Rock certainly could have had many beatdown victims substituted for Triple H, but we're giving the edge to Dwayne Johnson simply because Vin Diesel's character Dom Toretto has proven himself pretty much indestructible over the course of five "Fast and Furious" movies, so Dwayne fighting Toretto to what's pretty much a draw is, on scale, actually a win.

Movie with Seann William Scott

The Rock: "The Rundown" (2003)

Dwayne Johnson: "Southland Tales" (2006)

Advantage: "Southland Tales" arrived with a lot of hype in 2006, as it was Richard Kelly's first film in the director's chair since his 2001 cult hit "Donnie Darko." Sadly, it wasn't set far enough in the future (2008) to be taken seriously, and also it was about baby farts. 2003's "The Rundown," which featured The Rock's first starring role, is at least watchable if you have strong alcohol within arm's reach, so The Rock takes the point here.

Instances Where He Has To Listen to What Vince McMahon Says to Him

The Rock: Many

Dwayne Johnson: None

Advantage:  Picture all the times where you had free will. Nice, right? Now picture all of those times again, except this time, picture it was actually a roided-out misogynist telling you to do all the things you were doing. Can't imagine it's as much fun. This is a layup for DJ.

[caption id="attachment_166864" align="alignright" width="300"]Star Trek Voyager / Hannah Montana Paramount / Disney[/caption]

Less Embarrassing Television Cameo

The Rock: "Star Trek: Voyager" (2000)

Dwayne Johnson: "Hannah Montana" (2007)

Advantage: The Rock. The 2000 version of The Rock was just becoming famous and likely wanted to use any and all avenues to get his name out there; the 2007 version of Dwayne Johnson was well-known internationally and yet still chose to go on "Hannah Montana" because sure-why-not, a move that can't conjure much defending.

Number of Legendary Scottish Actors That Have Dramatically Said Their Name in a Michael Bay Movie

The Rock: 1

Dwayne Johnson: 0

Advantage: The Rock takes it here but, to be fair, now I can't stop saying "Welcome to Dwayne Johnson" in a Sean Connery voice and I'm having a blast.

Name Marketability

The Rock: Relatively massive.

Dwayne Johnson: Pretty much non-existent.

Advantage: It's a shame, but where "The Rock" sounds like a superhero, "Dwayne Johnson" sounds like the guy you have to let into your apartment sometime between 1 and 5 p.m. on a Tuesday because your washing machine's door won't lock properly. The Rock takes the cake. The cake you couldn't get off of your sweater because the washing machine's door wouldn't lock properly.

Level of Enthusiasm For The Fact That He Is In Phoenix, Arizona

The Rock: 

Pretty high.

Dwayne Johnson: (Has never mentioned being in or wanting to go to Phoenix.)

Advantage: I hear Phoenix is a great city, and The Rock clearly understands and wants people to know this, while Dwayne Johnson has been shamefully silent on the issue. The Rock takes the point.

Musical Guests When They Hosted SNL

The Rock: AC/DC (2000) and Andrew W.K. (2002)

Dwayne Johnson: Ray LaMontagne (2009)

Advantage: Whereas AC/DC and Andrew W.K. obviously represented more of the early, rambunctious days of The Rock, Ray LaMontagne's down-home, soulful approach perfectly symbolizes the mature, thespian-ish Dwayne Johnson. It's close, but Dwayne and Ray take this one.

Seriously Willing to Deliver This Interview:


The Rock: Absolutely.

Dwayne Johnson: Probably not.

Advantage: The Rock just turned a shovel sideways and stuck it straight up Dwayne Johnson's rudy-poo candy ass.

The Final Tally

The Rock 6, Dwayne Johnson 4.

Not only does The Rock take down the crown in a heated contest, but adding injury to insult, Dwayne probably needs surgery now to get that shovel out of his lower intestine. Ouch.