This Is Why You Need a Zombie

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The newest supernatural Young Adult romance adapted to film is lumbering its way to theaters this weekend. “Warm Bodies” is, however, something of “Twilight-with-a-brain” (or, excuse me, BRAINS!) and, should you find yourself dragged to see it, it is nothing you need growl at.

“Warm Bodies” stars Nicholas Hoult (probably best remembered as Beast from “X-Men: First Class” or the boy from “About A Boy,” but will forever be remembered by me as someone from the movie “Kidulthood,” a film I just learned about on imdb, produced by people clearly on the receiving end of a dare to come up with the worst film title in history) and Teresa Palmer (from hot blonde).

He's a zombie, she's a feisty idealistic daughter of a military general in a survivors' colony under martial law during the tail end of an undead apocalypse. Just go with it.

Palmer soon discovers that a zombie stricken with a bad case of puppy love is a good thing to have in your corner. While he does need to eat live brains to live, the power of love coerces him to protect her against the nefarious (poorly) computer generated Boneys. (Hey, what did I say about just going with it?)

The fact is, having a domesticated zombie by your side is ALWAYS a good idea. While they can't all be as moodily dreamy as young Nicholas Hoult (it's the red hoodie that does it) they do come in handy. For example:

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Mowing the lawn! All zombies do is just kinda walk slowly in a straight line, right? Duct tape their hands to a lawn mower and point them where you need them to go. Then you can sit back and sip a Shasta and play Angry Birds Rio on your Samsung Galaxy S3.

Appearing in your video! Let's say you are an early-90s shoegazer band trying to make your comeback. They can't all be Ride or My Bloody Valentine or The Jesus and Mary Chain. Some of the bands probably have a following of just immediate family (negated by all the ex girlfriends out there.) To that end, you are better off papering the house for the video shoot with people who won't complain (zombies can't talk!) and you know will get that difficult dance step down.

Holiday shopping! George A. Romero showed us early on that the mall is the zombie's natural habitat. Why risk self-injury trying to grab that Furby or whatever the hell it is that those sociopaths are killing themselves for on Black Friday? Just make sure your zombie pal has the scent of the product you want (a few days of chanting Xbox, Xbox will get through to them.) Then just drop 'em off at the Best Buy and you can chill in the parking lot. Do you still have some leftover Shasta? Did you bring the car charger to beat that final board of Angry Birds Rio on your Samsung Galaxy 3G?

Very rudimentary rocket science! Cause I mean, heck, zombies perform some quick and nasty brain surgery all the time! And I'm pretty sure if you can do one you can do the other.

Good night, everyone!

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