Fanboy Gift Guide: A Personal Holiday Wish List

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“Joy comes not through possession or ownership but through a wise and loving heart." - attributed to the Buddha.

“I want an Oompa Loompa NOW!" - attributed to Veruca Salt.

It's the end of the year, and regardless of whatever faith you follow, you deserve a pat on the back for not running amok in the town square and bashing idiots in the face with a cricket paddle.

It's time for some holiday giving and you know what that means: sending trinkets to your favorite Internet wags!

I will graciously accept any and all of the following items (which I must, must, must own!) on behalf of my devoted and highly solvent adoring public. Don't skimp on the bubble-wrap either! Please send to:

Jordan Hoffman c/o Planet Fanboy

101 Next Movie Way

MTVville, The Internet, 90210

These are the five things I need:

Every One Of These Star Trek TOS Art Prints

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The good people at QMx have commissioned artist Juan Ortiz to create vintage-looking movie posters for each of the original 79 episodes of “Star Trek." There will, however, be 80 in all, because they are hardcore enough to include one for “The Cage." Only the first 4 batches of three have been released yet, but they are all terrific. Please buy me them all, and, if you can, throw in a second apartment so I'll have someplace to hang 'em.

Agent Coulson Collectible

Anyone and everyone has a $175 paperweight of a brightly colored superhero adorned with an intricate weapons display and a highly detailed costume. But only the true Fanboy has one of a sartorially modest middle manager. To that end, I will not rest until my Agent Phil Coulson (not very active) Action Figure is in my possession.

Also Check Out: The 50 Must-Have Movie Related Gifts of 2012

Steampunk R2-D2

I've gone past the point of just half-living in alternate worlds. My alternate worlds have alternate worlds now. The Force is no longer a product of rigorous mental training and a high midichlorian count – it is also dependent on pneumatics and tightly-wound gears. You can work out a price for this little droid with the artist himself. No amount is too high!

Moonrise Kingdom Diorama

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Were I to pick an iconic moment from Wes Anderson's latest masterpiece it probably would be the wedding scene or maybe the Francoise Hardy dance break on the beach, but this image from after the fight works, too. I'm guessing there are tiny left-handed scissors in there somewhere.

This Idiotic Jetski In The Shape Of A Killer Whale.

I don't know how to jetski. I don't even know where I would jetski. (I live in Queens. I guess I can find a large enough puddle that isn't cluttered with West Nile-laden mosquitoes.) Nevertheless, I will be damned if, when the time comes for me to jetski, I don't do it in a vehicle that looks like a killer whale.

Doing so will spark a trend in “Whale Rider" cosplay the biggest thing on the Con-scene. I'm hoping Keisha Castle-Hughes clears her calendar, because she's about to become very much in demand!

Get more Gift Guides and Best of 2012 here.