Did you know it? Tom Hanks is a pop culture poet!
Not only that, but the two-time Oscar winning king of Hollywood can imbue artsy-fartsyness into absolutely anything, and he more than proved it with a hilarious appearance on last night's "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon."
In celebration of his own awesomeness (and "Cloud Atlas" too, we suppose), Tom Hanks went on the show and performed a three-minute bit of slam poetry on the philosophical conundrums of the '90s sitcom "Full House." Yep, you read that right.
Hanks, clad in a coffee house black turtleneck and equipped with a greasy goatee, gave life to the existential power of the show's Season 2, Episode 6 ("Beach Boy Bingo") plot.
In case you've forgotten, it's the one where the family calls in to a local radio show to win tickets to see the Beach Boys. D.J. (Candace Cameron) struggles with the trivia answer while the menfolk - Danny (Bob Saget), Jesse (John Stamos), and Joey (Dave Coultier) - nearly have a conniption as the correct word rests on the tips of their tongues.
Thanks to Tom Hanks, we can all now know exactly how powerful that story line really was.
For those who must enjoy the full measure of Hanks' poetry, here's a transcription.
Full House, house full of men, Danny, Jesse, Joey, father, uncle, friend
Uncle Jesse, whose hair is never messy, 'Watch the hair, huh!?' Have mercy on Uncle Jesse.
Three men raising three girls, Or are the girls raising them?
'Wake up San Francisco!' Danny Tanner screams through the TV screen
His three girls watch by themselves, No women in this full house, this house full of men
D.J. Tanner, 'Oh Mylanta!' Stephanie, 'How Rude.' Little Michelle, 'You got it dude.'
One day, D.J. listens to the radio D.J., 'be the ninth caller,' he says, 'and win two tickets to a Beach Boys concert'
The men listening downstairs leap for the phone, a groan, there's a phone on the line and it stammers, 'Hello, this is D.J. Tanner.'
'Just name the Beach Boys song, D.J. and the tickets are yours'
As the strains of 'Rhonda Help Me' blare, D.J. stares
'Help me, Gibbler,' she says, turning to the neighbor Kimmy Gibbler helpless in silence
She does her no favor, Pressure mounting, mounting, mounting, time ticking ...
Help me who? 'Rhonda!' shout the men, the men of this Full House
And the men become boys, Beach Boys, as they go to the show where they sing 'Cocomo,' 'Cocomo, that's where I want to go, to get away from it all.'
From what? From this male-dominated, this testosterone-full house, this house full of men
As we sit on the bed, get patted on the head, our sins we confess, and we learn a life less-on ...
From the men, the men of this Full House, this house full of men.
Cut it out.
Brilliance. Just sheer, ridiculous brilliance.