[caption id="attachment_151297" align="alignleft" width="300"] Fox Searchlight[/caption]
Andy Warhol famously said, "Sex is more exciting on the screen and between the pages than between the sheets," but clearly he never saw "Monster's Ball." If uncomfortably awkward love scenes don't bother you, this weekend's indie offerings may be just for you.
Check out "The Sessions," featuring an oft-naked Helen Hunt as a sexual surrogate trying to pleasure a disabled virgin (John Hawkes). And, if that's not enough, there's also "The First Time," which highlights a laughably awful (or realistic, depending on your experience) adolescent deflowering.
From the comedic to the absurd to the downright depressing, here are 12 cringe-inducing sex scenes we've compiled for your viewing (dis)pleasure.
12. 'Dave' (1993)
[caption id="attachment_151305" align="alignright" width="150"] Warner Bros.[/caption]
Presidents having affairs is not exactly a taboo subject – particularly during the Clinton Administration, when this comedy came out – but Presidents (or anyone for that matter) suffering a stroke during a sexual tryst is not exactly pleasant to watch. President Bill Mitchell (Kevin Kline) is thoroughly enjoying his extramarital liaison with a White House aide (Laura Linney) when his pleasure turns to something else entirely, and he collapses into a coma, thus setting the stage for the entire rest of the movie.
11. 'Splice' (2009)
[caption id="attachment_151306" align="alignright" width="150"] Warner Bros.[/caption]
She's got the legs of a goat, a barbed tail, and no hair. Also, she's a human-beast hybrid (Delphine Chaneac) demanding to test her newfound sexuality on the man who helped create her. Adrien Brody's Clive seems to be a sucker for a girl with long legs, and the passion his creation displays is enough to convince him that having sex in a barn with a lab experiment-turned-pseudo step-daughter isn't such a bad idea. In the end, of course, he's dead wrong.
10. 'Bride of Chucky' (1988)
[caption id="attachment_151314" align="alignright" width="150"] Universal[/caption]
We'd rather see the puppets in "Team America: World Police" go at it than these two "anatomically correct" dolls who refer to their "plumbing" and joke about how Chucky is "starting to feel like Pinocchio" (excuse us while we shudder in disgust) consummate their romance. Puerile lines aside (he's made of "rubber," get it), this sex scene may be brief, but once you see it, you can never erase the images from popping up every time you see an oversized doll. Watch the NSFW scene here.
9. 'Brokeback Mountain' (2005)
[caption id="attachment_151307" align="alignright" width="150"] Focus Features[/caption]
The sex is wordless. There is no eye contact, and there are no tender words, only rustling of denim and the punching of tent flaps – whether from pain (there's no real foreplay, either) or from shame, it's too dark and fast to tell. The first time Heath Ledger's Ennis Del Mar and Jake Gyllenhaal's Jack Twist have sex, it's far from clear that they're embarking on a love affair that will consume the rest of their lives. Watch the NSFW scene here.
8. 'Demolition Man' (1993)
[caption id="attachment_151315" align="alignright" width="150"] Warner Bros.[/caption]
Sex in the future looks pretty lame in this dystopian action flick. It's still OK for women to casually end a date with "I'd like to have sex with you" like Sandra Bullock's Lenina Huxley. Unfortunately for Sylvester Stallone's cop John Spartan (who is from the distant past), making love in 2032 involves wearing mechanical helmets that produce sexy images in their minds (cue Stallon grunting). When he suggests they do it the "old-fashioned way," Lenina responds "Ewww. Disgusting." Watch the NSFW scene here.
7. 'Kissing Jessica Stein' (2001)
[caption id="attachment_151308" align="alignright" width="150"] Fox[/caption]
Even though Jessica Stein loves the idea of being with another women in theory, in practice, the prospect of actually having sex with her first girlfriend is intimidating. So Jessica (Jennifer Westfeldt) and Helen (Heather Juergensen) spend an entire scene looking at a sex pamphlet trying to figure out exactly how it will work their first time. After discussing positions and props, they decide to just see where kissing leads.The moment Heather attempts second base, however, it's clear awkward Jessica needs more time.
6. 'Shame' (2011)
[caption id="attachment_151309" align="alignright" width="150"] Fox Searchlight[/caption]
Michael Fassbender's Brandon is, on the outside, ridiculously beautiful: a chiseled jawline atop a fit body living in a great apartment – not to mention his rather impressive full-frontal assets… But that beauty (and his natural-born gifts) only help feed Brandon’s crippling sex addiction. So when Brandon finally decides to try sex with someone he actually likes – his attractive co-worker Marianne (Nicole Beharie) – the utter normalcy of their hotel room groping session leaves Brandon unable to perform.
5. 'American Pie' (1999)
[caption id="attachment_151310" align="alignright" width="150"] Universal[/caption]
Since Jim's (Jason Biggs) tryst with the pie can't strictly be considered a sex scene, we're going with one of the other memorable moments in the teen movie. What's a hormonal high-school virgin to do when a beautiful exchange student is naked and eager in his room? The answer is simple – finish (twice!) before he even gets started (well, beyond being in the presence of a pretty, naked girl). Poor Jim. At least Alyson Hannigan's Michelle eventually gives him his happy ending. Watch the NSFW scene here.
4. 'Watchmen' (2009)
[caption id="attachment_151312" align="alignright" width="150"] Warner Bros.[/caption]
If your only pre-requisite for a love scene is that a beautiful actress gets naked, this one might be considered a winner… But the excruciatingly long sex scene between Silk Spectre (Malin Akerman) and Nite Owl (Patrick Wilson) is otherwise a confusing, close-up happy affair (as in, mouth's contorted in ecstasy) accompanied incongruously by Leonard Cohen's classic anthem "Hallelujah." Is it supposed to be funny or campy or just weird? Whatever it is, it's not nearly as sexy as the two actors. Watch the NSFW scene here.
3. 'Knocked Up' (2007)
[caption id="attachment_151317" align="alignright" width="150"] Universal[/caption]
Leave it to Judd Apatow to direct the saddest depiction of pregnancy sex ever. Seth Rogen's father-to-be Ben can't concentrate on doing the deed with his smokin' hot baby mama Alison (Katherine Heigl), because all he can see is the baby "poked in the face by my penis." Making matters worse is two subsequent positions that leave both of them frustrated, self-conscious and utterly unable to seal the deal with a baby bump in between. Watch the NSFW scene here.
2. 'Superbad' (2007)
[caption id="attachment_151318" align="alignright" width="150"] Sony[/caption]
Nothing makes a teenager's first time special like some ill-timed bodily fluids – in this case, vomit. Super drunk Becca (Martha MacIsaac) is trying some "dirty talk" with Evan (Michael Cera), but her attempts are met with stilted, overly polite responses like, "they said that would happen in health," "you would too if you were a man" and several "thank yous." Despite her insistence that she's sober enough, the scene ends with Becca hurling everywhere. Watch the NSFW scene here.
1. 'Monster's Ball' (2001)
[caption id="attachment_151319" align="alignright" width="150"] Lionsgate[/caption]
Some sex scenes are just too much and you have to close your eyes and hope the moaning and crying (yeah, we said crying) will end soon. All of that would be an understatement as to how unpleasant and disturbing the love scene is between Halle Berry's grief-stricken Leticia and her until-then platonic prison guard friend Hank (Billy Bob Thornton). Berry is no doubt featured in plenty of fantasies whispering "Will you make me feel good?" but she's probably not ugly-crying while she's saying it over and over again like in this you-should-look-away-now scene. Watch the NSFW scene here.