Lessons Learned from Being a (Male) Twi-Hard: A-Z

[caption id="attachment_150481" align="alignleft" width="300"]The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 Summit[/caption]

"The Twilight Saga" is coming to an end next month with the final "Breaking Dawn." That means Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard will also be ending. Please, stop crying. I know you're all very sad, but we've had a good run. Who knew so many people would be interested in what a thirtysomething, straight, male Twi-Hard would have to write.

This will be my second to last entry. The final one will be after I watch"Breaking Dawn - Part 2." So, as a way to kind of sum up these last two years, I've written my "Twilight" thoughts, lessons and experiences A-Z since starting the column.

[caption id="attachment_150483" align="alignright" width="220"]Ahsley Greene in Twilight Summit[/caption]


I've thought long and hard on this one, and if I could date any vampire, it'd be Alice. One, she can see the future, which would really help with my sports gambling. Two, she's super cute. Ashley Greene is hot, but she never looks as goods as she does with that pixie Alice haircut.


You would think that "Twilight" bloggers are shut-ups who only eat Lipton soup, own 12 cats and cry every night in front of Access Hollywood. However, everyone I've met seems normal, social, has a sense of humor and is (very) willing to talk about other topics besides Team Jacob.


It would have been less awkward to share hot wings and beer with Carlisle Cullen than it was with Peter Facinelli.


This is a key component when attending a Twilight Convention. It makes conversation much easier and the panels much more interesting.


Before I started the column, I wouldn't claim to be planted on either side of Team Jacob or Team Edward. However, the more I thought of it, why would anyone be on Team Jacob when you know he's destined to lose. Plus, he's a 16-year-old boy. Even I'll admit to being an idiot at 16. Edward has the knowledge of living a century.


I still think it's weird that "Twilight" vampires don't have fangs but transfer venom when they bite. Anybody with me?

[caption id="attachment_150484" align="alignright" width="220"]The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 Summit[/caption]


I don't remember ever thinking about this word before reading it dozens of times in the "Twilight" books. It does seem like something a vampire would do, but c'mon, Stephenie Meyer, crack a thesaurus once in while. That brings me to my next point …


I'm just going to say it. I think Stephenie Meyer is a good storyteller but a bad writer. Not as bad as Charlaine Harris (I can't even get through a full Sookie Stackhouse novel), but not as good as J.K. Rowling. To be honest, I didn't enjoy "Twilight" that much until the movies came out. And I didn't really become a fanatic until I needed money and decided to sell this column. I hope this doesn't make you think less of the work; I definitely enjoyed writing it and the interactions with my readers.


I didn't know the Quileute tribe really existed before this column. Of all the places to be inspired to research more about Native American tribes, most people wouldn't think "Twilight."


I never thought of Jasper as creepy when reading the books. Then when the movie came out, Jackson Rathbone does such a creepy job looking hungry and mournful, always lurking in the corners, I realized just how great (but also kind of hilarious) the character is.

Kendrick, Anna

I've written about her at length. Let's not make things weird. She's firmly planted in my Top 5 Favorite Actresses list … that I keep in my head and no one really cares about.

[caption id="attachment_150485" align="alignright" width="220"]Kellan Lutz in Twilight Summit[/caption]

Lutz, Kellan

Kellan is the ultimate meathead. Have you ever tried looking for paparazzi photos of him? 75% are with his shirt off. I'd love to go to a keg party with Lutz and Rob Gronkowski of the New England Patriots. It'd be the ultimate meathead-off.

MTV Movie Awards

I'm really worried about this awards show post-"Twilight Saga." What are they going to nominate?


I didn't even complete half of my Twi-Hard Bucket List that I wrote in my first post. At that point, it felt like "Twilight" would never end and I'd have more time to do everything. But let this be a lesson to all you young ones — life goes by before you know it.


I still can't believe I lost the debate about which is better: "Twilight" or "Harry Potter." I don't even know if that's what they call themselves — "Potterheads" — but they are not to be messed with.

Pug Tattoo

Going into the Twilight Convention, I figured I'd see a lot of awesome tattoos by hardcore fans. Never did I think that my favorite tattoo would be a Pug Jack Sparrow.


As things seemingly come to a close with "The Twilight Saga," a lot feels undone. I'm not saying Stephenie Meyer needs to wrap everything up in a little bow, but doesn't it feel like there should be at least one other book?

[caption id="attachment_150486" align="alignright" width="220"]The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2 Summit[/caption]


I know everyone was blown away when K.Stew cheated on R.Pattz, but I'm actually surprised the relationship lasted as long as it did. Young love is fleeting. Show business romances never last (see even Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman). And they are two of the most desired people in Hollywood — it's hard not to eat candy when you're in a delicious candy store and it's all free.

Shake Weight

I bought a Shake Weight for my costumes as Member of the Wolf Pack Who No One Calls. One, it didn't get as big a reaction as I was hoping for at the Convention Costume Contest. Two, Shake Weights are a lot harder than you'd think.


The most fun I had with this column was when I attended last year's Twilight Convention in Los Angeles. However, I'm glad I had someone paying my way because that s*** is expensive as f***.


This is the feeling I had every time someone from my regular job at MTV.com, which is the editor of Guy Code Blog, would find out I also wrote Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard for NextMovie, located nine floors down from our office.


Losing your virginity is almost never romantic and almost always awkward. If any of you ladies think it's going to be like Bella's experience, you have a better chance of marrying a vampire.

[caption id="attachment_150489" align="alignright" width="220"]The Twilight Saga: New Moon Summit[/caption]

Wolf Pack

I really do want to be a member of the Wolf Pack.

X-ray of a vampire

Can anyone describe what it'd look like if you X-rayed a vampire? It's just something I started wondering.


You only live once … unless you're a vampire, then you get to live twice. That's why I think we need a vampire rapper who screams "YOLT" instead of "YOLO."

ariZona Vampires

I'm proud to be a native of Arizona. And these people kind of made me even prouder. That should probably tell me it's time to lay off the vampire fiction.

Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard is a "Twilight" humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes on NextMovie. Read Ryan's introductory post here or follow him on Twitter.