This Friday will kick off the opening ceremony of the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London, and though our old Revolutionary War adversaries might be our allies now, that doesn't mean the U.S. of frickin' A. isn't ready to bring the thunder.
Using our powers of make-believe and fantasy, we've assembled athletic champions from the entirety of movie history to give us a clear advantage towards the race for Olympic glory in every sport of the XXX Olympiad.
This year, the team events will be presented in single elimination format, with each archer shooting a total of 72 arrows from a 70-meter distance. Representatives from our women's team include District 12's Katniss Everdeen of "The Hunger Games" whose chief competitor for the gold is Scotland's Princess Merida of "Brave." The Men's team shall attempt to defeat Middle Earth's Legolas Greenleaf from "The Lord of the Rings Trilogy" with our boys consisting of Hawkeye on loan from "The Avengers," and, just for the hell of it Kevin Costner's "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves," who couldn't hide that Yank accent anyway.
Coach Norman Dale of "Hoosiers" will be leading the Americans, including Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle of "White Men Can't Jump," hirsute player Scott Howard, also known as "Teen Wolf," and the team's equally hairy MVP Buddy, a.k.a. "Air Bud."
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The U.S. has assembled a strong Men's team this year, improbably led by 66-year-old "Rocky Balboa" of Philadelphia, former "Raging Bull" Jake LaMotta, Lowell, Mass., native Mickey Ward of "The Fighter," Todd Howard from "Teen Wolf Too," and robotic pugilist Atom from "Real Steel." The Women's team is equally robust, with Diana Guzman of "Girlfight" and Margaret "Maggie" Fitzgerald from "Million Dollar Baby," the latter hoping to recover from the recent setback of a neck injury in the ring.
Our entry for the Men's 200m canoe race are Lewis Medlock and Bobby Trippe from "Deliverance," who will make the competition squeal like a pig. Disney's Native American princess Pocahontas, along with her faithful raccoon companion Meeko, will do us proud in the Women's 200m.
Leading the Men's BMX is one of Bloomington, Indiana's favorite "cutters," Dave Stoller from "Breaking Away," although he gets a powerful assist from the light bike of "Tron" lead Kevin Flynn, and the flying bike of Elliott and his basket partner "E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial." The team's main threat comes in the form of French cyclist Champion from "The Triplets of Belleville," though Flynn recently commented to the press that Champion poses no threat since "He's, like, a cartoon, man."
Jockey Red Pollard, who bears a startling resemblance to Spider-Man, will ride championship horse "Seabiscuit" to victory in individual eventing if his teammate Harpo Marx of "A Day at the Races" doesn't distract him by honking horns or playing his harp out on the track.
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"Return of the Jedi" hero Luke Skywalker, who hails from a galaxy far, far away, will lead our cunning swordsmen, lightsaber in hand, as Westley of "The Princess Bride" tries to win gold in individual épée events while individual sabre should prove a lock for Captain Jack Sparrow from the "Pirates of the Caribbean" mega franchise. Only Asgardian Fandral the Dashing of "Thor" could possibly foil their plans to dominate this year. Get it? Foil? It's a fencing joke.
West London's 18-year-old Punjabi Sikh Jesminder Kaur "Jess" Bhamra and her best friend Juliette "Jules" Paxton from "Bend It Like Beckham" seem pretty unbeatable on the field, but one of our star basketball hopefuls, Buddy, starred in another little movie called "Air Bud: World Pup." Now you're getting the picture. Olympic committees should not have a problem with the male inclusion since he's also a dog.
If Jonathan E can somehow transfer his "Rollerball" skills (the non-remake kind of Rollerball) he should be able to have the edge on the court, assuming that lousy, cheating ponce "Harry Potter" doesn't fly in on his Quidditch broom and steal the bloody show.
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Peter Parker, also known affectionately in his hometown of New York as "Spider-Man," should prove formidable in Men's vault, floor, pommel horse, rings, parallel bars, and horizontal bar. Our Women's entries include acrobatic human resistance fighter Trinity from "The Matrix" bringing her talents to the balance beam, and beautiful-but-deadly android Pris from "Blade Runner" should take to the uneven bars the same way her midair flips and clamping thighs almost crushed Harrison Ford's head. Buffy Summers and Rancho Carne High School's own Missy Pantone are sure to "Bring It On" for the all-around. As for Rhythmic Gymnastics, we're tapping the one and only Frank Ricard from "Old School."
When he spoke to the press recently, England's secret agent Austin Powers, the "International Man of Mystery," had only this to say about his United States competition: "Judo chop!" He then followed that with eight hours incessantly repeating the phrase "Yeah, baby, yeah!" while fondling various female members of the media.
After placing 6th at 2008's Beijing Olympics, it is still unknown at this time if twins Cameron Winklevoss and Tyler Winklevoss of "The Social Network" will be able to compete since they are currently embroiled in a lawsuit against Mark Zuckerberg for falsely accusing them on Facebook of molesting Jesse Eisenberg.
Semi-successful "Jaws" shark hunters Chief Martin Brody, Matt Hooper and Captain Quint from summer resort town Amity Island will be joined on their Star class vessel Orca by Bob Wiley from "What About Bob?," who after being tied to the mast exclaimed, "I'm sailing! I'M SAAAAIIIILING!"
Anyone who's seen our action movies knows America is home to some talented practitioners of the deadly arts, which makes our qualifiers for the Men's 50m Rifle 3 Positions competition extra exceptional. You're likely to hear sniper Private Daniel Jackson of "Saving Private Ryan" quoting scripture like Psalm 25 while lining up a shot, while Gunnery Sergeant Bob Lee Swagger of "Shooter" supports him. In the Men's 25m Rapid Fire Pistol William "Will" Munny from "Unforgiven" will likely take a snort of whiskey before doing away with his targets, alongside killing machine Jason Bourne of "The Bourne Identity" backing him up. Their biggest competitors this year will be expert French marksman Leon, a.k.a. "The Professional" and two-handed Hong Kong gunman Ah Jong, also known as "The Killer."
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This year the Olympic committee allowed each country to enter up to two qualifying swimmers per event, which is good news for both the gilled, own-urine drinking Mariner from historical flop "Waterworld" as well as the title character from classic Universal monster romp "The Creature From The Black Lagoon." For the women's relay events we have the adorable Dory from "Finding Nemo" as well as Tom Hanks' love interest Madison from "Splash," who narrowly beat "The Little Mermaid" star Ariel after an intense hair pulling underwater catfight. We think Madison's lack of a seashell bra gave her the advantage.
He achieved victory competing against Communist Chinese teams on a goodwill tour, but Alabama native/shrimp company magnate/long-distance runner "Forrest Gump" told President Obama that life is still like a box of chocolates, and he is hopeful he can best his Olympic competitors right after he "goes pee."
North Carolina's fourth-degree black belt/dojo owner Fred Simmons of "The Foot Fist Way" will compete in the Middleweight (80 kg) competition alongside his childhood hero, Alexander "Alex" Grady from "Best of the Best" and its far-superior sequel "Best of the Best 2." Said Simmons, "Tae Kwon Do is terrific for keeping in shape, but it's also a deadly serious killing system."
After his meltdown during the last open he played, former child prodigy Richie Tenenbaum of New York's family of geniuses "The Royal Tenenbaums" will hope for a comeback against British pro Chris Wilton of "Match Point," who is still dogged by rumors that he murdered his brother-in-law's fiancé.
Our superheroic entry into the four lap/10 km (6.2 mi) run is Dashiell Robert "Dash" Parr from Pixar's "The Incredibles," who won't have to hold back against the formidable competition this time. He'll be running against 1924 Olympians Harold Abrahams and Eric Liddell of the UK's "Chariots of Fire" and Admiral General Shabazz Aladeen, "The Dictator" of the Republic of Wadiya known for his signature move of bringing a handgun onto the track.
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LT Pete "Maverick" Mitchell and the entire Navy Fighter Weapons School of "Top Gun" always have some absolutely, totally straight, non-gay fun whenever they play volleyball. With the help of their own secret weapon, Buddy the dog, this time from "Air Bud: Spikes Back," there's no way they won't come out on top. Yes, there's an "Air Bud" for every occasion.
Our three entries into this competition somehow all won six consecutive Mr. Olympia championships in the '70s. Coming in at 235 lb (107 kg) is Conan of "The Barbarian" and "The Destroyer" fame, the notorious T-800 from "The Terminator," and the more lighthearted and likeable Julius Benedict from "Twins," the latter of whom will go for the gold with the help of personal trainer Danny DeVito.
New Jersey's Kyle Timmons of "Win-Win" will be tag-team partners with fellow Garden State canvas guy Randy "The Ram" Robinson from "The Wrestler," who has denied use of steroids, cocaine, or strippers. Their chief competitor is Mexican luchador Ignacio from "Nacho Libre," who if he wins will dedicate his victory to the children of his monastery.