Twi-Bites: K-Stew 'On the Road,' Reed Engaged & More

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It's nearing the end of the month, and my Twi-hard faithful know what that means. No, not an update on the lunar cycle. It's time for me to break down June's top news and gossip from the world of "Twilight" into easily palatable Twi-Bites. And they're only 600 calories each!

In case you haven't yet sampled my Twi-Bites (sorry, does that sound nasty?), I'll preface the latest installment with this: Being a Twi-hard can land you on a slippery slope. There is so much juice out there that you can fall in over your head and end up addicted. Next thing you know, you're living in a Dumpster, willing to sell your plasma for a glimpse at Anna Kendrick's Twitter feed. It happens.

If you don't have an iron will, cut yourself off now and only read my column. I have a shockingly high tolerance and can digest the need-to-know stories into Twi-methadone (methTwidone?). It's what they pay me the big decent bucks for.

Pattz Stew Du Jour

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In last month's Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart section, I told you about R.Pattz's status as Luckiest Man on Earth. "Water For Elephants" didn't do halfway terribly at the box office, and K.Stew was spending the summer with him in Toronto.

Well, the latter doesn't seem to be happening after all. Stewart has been in New Orleans and Los Angeles shooting the upcoming film adaptation of Jack Kerouac's "On the Road." She attended the premiere for "A Better Life" with Taylor Lautner and has been seen about town with her "On the Road" co-star Garrett Hedlund.

Rumors are swirling like blood in the butter churn. Has K.Stew gone G.Hed? 100 percent of my Twitter followers say "Hell naw." Then again, only three answered. (Thanks @NotTHATBGreen, @spunk_ransom and @tashpalo.)

As for Pattinson, he has apparently been enjoying his time away in Toronto. According to an inside source that I don't know, but read on the Interwebs: "Rob's been partying hard. He's been out almost every night at concerts and dinners. Kristen's upset about his partying and ended up having a tearful showdown with him over the phone, saying he's acting as if he finds life boring with her." That's sound reporting.

But seriously, R.Pattz is a twentysomething millionaire, one of the most adored celebrities on both Earth and Great Britain. It would be a real shame if he wasn't out drinking -- if not for himself, then for the rest of us who sit in our cramped little apartments and write about him.

Unconditionally and Irrevocably in Love

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"Twilight" star Nikki Reed and "Former 'American Idol' Contestant" (as he's most commonly known in the press; his birth name is Paul McDonald) began dating last month. Since actresses and musicians are known for their rational choices, it comes as no surprise that the two are engaged. I'm not sure if Vegas makes odds for young celebrity marriages, but I'd place the over/under at two years. And then I'd recommend taking the "under." I wonder if Reed will take his last name, "Contestant."

Kellan Lutz, who plays Reed's adopted brother/soulmate Emmett Cullen, says that he's never seen her happier than in this relationship. On the other hand, Lutz is in the "off" phase of his on-and-off relationship with AnnaLynne McCord. I doubt he'll be single for long, though, since he cannot remember to wear T-shirts over his superhero abs. His pecks get more coverage than all of the Wolf Pack's combined.

Vamp Buzz

Director Tim Burton and his baby-mama, actress Helena Bonham Carter, both have sported the complexions of vampires for years. Finally, they're embracing their pale destinies and producing a vamp flick. It is a remake of the gothic soap opera "Dark Shadows" that ran from 1966 to 1971. Where there is Burton, there's Depp. Johnny has already signed on to play lead vampire Barnabas Collins. Chloë Moretz, Michelle Pfeiffer and Jackie Earle Haley, who already have experience in supernatural roles, have also signed up.

With all that talent, I'm as excited for "Dark Shadows" as I am for "Super Troopers 2," which is to say a great deal. What does that have to do with anything? Well, for your information, I can connect those two movies. In the TV series "Dark Shadows," actor David Selby played Quentin Collins. Selby's son, Jamison Selby, played the bad guy Traci Shannon in Broken Lizard's first movie "Puddle Cruiser." Boom! Now who feels like an idiot?

Twi-Hard of the Month

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It may seem odd for an awards show to be awarded an award like "Twi-Hard of the Month," but the 2011 MTV Movie Awards earned it this month.

"The Twilight Saga: Eclipse" earned eight nominations and won five of the categories, including Best Movie.

To celebrate the "Best Kiss" win, we even got to see Robert Pattinson kiss Taylor Lautner, a moment that sent sexually confused teens into a blogging mania -- and, admittedly, giving all those haters who insist "Twilight is gay" a slightly stronger point.

Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard is a “Twilight” humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every other week on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here and follow him on Twitter.