This summer, two of the most hard driving, piston-pounding movies of all time are taking another lap on the big screen with "Fast Five" (4/29) and "Cars 2" (6/24). Previous installments of both these franchises drove audiences to explosive levels of testosterone-injected excitement and mayhem!
You might say "Cars" put the car in cartoon while "The Fast and the Furious" pumped Vin Diesel into...well, there's no obvious automobile wordplay for his name...
We're pitting the supercharged vehicles of these two films head-to-head for the definitive showdown.
The rules: We'll give you the car's stats and the car will get one quote with which to trash talk their opponent's track record -- street style! Since the modified Japanese racers can't actually talk, special guest, Dom (Vin Diesel), will have the last word. Alright, gentlemen: start your engines...along with any other cliched car verbiage you can think of...
The World of 'Cars' vs. 'The Fast and the Furious' Street Racing Culture
"Cars": Takes place in an illogical, counter-intuitive dreamworld where real humans are nonexistent and cars are bizarrely fetishized.
"The Fast and the Furious": Takes place in an illogical, counter-intuitive dreamworld where real humans are nonexistent and cars are bizarrely fetishized.
Advantage: Tie. Neither stands up to much scrutiny.
Paul Walker's Electric Green Mitsubishi Eclipse RS vs. Lightning McQueen
Green Mitsubishi Eclipse: A modified, 1995 model with 4 cylinders, 140 horsepower, front wheel drive and a tank of nitrous oxide for an extra boost in a pinch. Get ready to eat asphalt! This car will do a ten second race in nine if only Paul Walker can learn the rules of the road while navigating a treacherous underworld that is not his own!
Lightning McQueen: A red and yellow race car with a windshield made of giant eyeballs and front wheels dubiously substituting for hands. The charming smile on his grill will warm your heart and his likeness makes for fun toddler toys! But will he ever learn to love?
Vin Diesel says: "I said a ten second car, not a ten minute car! Get outta here!"
Lightning McQueen says: "I create feelings in others that they themselves don't understand."
Advantage: The Green Mitsubishi Eclipse. Mainly because we don't want Vin Diesel to yell at us.
Dom's Red Mazda RX-7 vs. Sally Carrera
Red Mazda RX-7: This 1993 customized street demon has 255 horsepower, rear-wheel drive and the ability to take on all comers. Prepare to be bested by the bald, bold beast of a man that is...Dom (Diesel)! But can Dom trust his mysterious new ally -- the dashing Paul Walker -- with his most dangerous secrets? Or is there not enough room in this town for two hotheads of equal power and fury?
Sally Carrera: Sally's an affable Porsche who enjoys nature and long, Sunday drives with her boyfriend, Lightening McQueen. But can she teach Lightening to love?
Vin Diesel says: "You almost had me? You never had me - you never had your car... Granny shiftin', not double clutchin' like you should! You're lucky that hundred shot of NOS didn't blow the welds on the intake! You almost had me?"
Sally says: "Driving's fun!"
Advantage: Sally Carrera. Her carefree attitude is deceiving...she will make orphans of your children.
Jesse's White Volkswagon Jetta GLX vs. Doc Hudson
White Volkswagon Jetta: With a seating capacity of 5 and a wheelbase of 97.4 inches, we know what your wondering: what's the torque on this thing, right folks? Well...we think you'll be pleasantly surprised. But Jesse, Dom's mechanic, bites off more than he can chew when he challenges Johnny Tran, king of the Japanese street gangs, to a race war in the desert! If he comes in second, he might lose more than just his car...
Doc Hudson: A handsome Hudson Hornet who won a heap of races in the 1950's but, after a near fetal accident, slipped into obscurity. Can this old timer keep Lightening McQueen from going down the wrong road that he, himself, took all those years ago? Probably.
Vin Diesel says: "I'm a boy who appreciates a good body, regardless of the make."
Doc Hudson says: "If you're going hard enough left, you'll find yourself turning right."
Advantage: Neither. Diesel's cheeky innuendo and Doc's second-rate, homespun wisdom are equally irritating and have nothing to do with this competition!
Paul Walkers's Orange Toyota Supra Vs. Mater
Orange Toyota Supra: Turbo charged? Check. 320 Horsepower? Check. 6 cylinders? That's an affirmative. And once Paul Walker sheds his cop instincts and lets his inner driver take over -- along with unleashing his repressed passion for Dom's sister, Mia -- he now has the secret sauce to make this baby leave you suckers in the gutters! But does he have the strength to share his darkest secret with his new friends?
Mater: A rusty, beat-up, tow truck with a voice that's striking similar to that of one-trick-comic, Larry the Cable Guy. He's a loyal companion to Lightening McQueen and always sticks up for his buddy. He also loves to drive backwards!
Vin Diesel says: "I watched my father burn to death. I can still remember him screaming."
Mater says: "Don't need to know where I'm going, just need to know where I've been. Git-R-Done!"
Advantage: Um...good lord... We guess the Toyota Supra? Way to play the sympathy card, Diesel...
And the Winner is...
The Autobots from "the Transformers" because they are cars that turn into robots. Any last words, Vin Diesel?
Vin Diesel: "Ask any racer! Any real racer! It don't matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning's winning."