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If the Oscars are the prom of Hollywood, then the Golden Globes are more like... meeting up in the parking lot before prom to sneak some drinks?
Okay, maybe not the perfect analogy -- but one thing's true in both cases: Everyone's getting wasted. And therein lies the subtle charms of the Golden Globes (and by subtle charms, we mean the open bar). That, and the generally laid back attitude that's led to more than a few, shall we say, less than dignified moments on and off the stage.
But we say bring on the human train wrecks! The Oscars might be the most-watched award show, but the Globes are the most watchable. Here are some scandalous headlines we can only pray will be gracing our news feeds the morning after.
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1. Natalie Portman wins Best Actress (Drama), celebrates by making out with Mila Kunis. Even Portman's baby daddy, Benjamin Millepied, seems completely cool with the unbridled outpouring of bi-curious affection exchanged between the "Black Swan's" sinewy celeb and her sultry co-star.
2. James Franco shows up with his right arm missing. The usually festive red carpet turns somber when a uni-armed Franco steps out of his town car with his right Armani sleeve pinned to his lapel. Turns out there was a reason those effects in "127 Hours" were so upsetting.
3. Ricky Gervais drunk dials someone, anyone. But preferably an ex-girlfriend. Or Steve Carell.
4. Eager to outshine Lady Gaga, Cher appears in a dress made entirely of live crabs. Proving that even at 64 she can still out-freak the competition, the auto-tune-innovating diva shows up at the ceremony covered head-to-toe in Maryland blue crabs. Wincing at the constant attack of claws on her bare skin, and unable to outrun the stench of rotting sea life following her everywhere like a young Sonny Bono, Cher cooly comments to the press: "Dear God, please get these things off of me."
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5. "The Tourist" wins Best Animated Feature. Already caught off guard by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association's odd inclusion of the "The Tourist" as a nominee for Best Comedy or Musical ("The Tourist" is neither, intentionally; it also received putrid reviews), Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie are visibly stunned when their film ends up with the win for Best Animated Feature, upsetting heavy favorite (and actual nominee) "Toy Story 3." Asked to comment on the discrepancy, the HFPA responds "We didn't think you Americans would notice."
6. Kanye West ruins Colin Firth's moment in the sun. After winning Best Actor for "The King's Speech," Colin Firth takes the stage, eyes welling up with tears of joy. That is, until a drunken Kanye charges the stage and grabs the mic from the vulnerable Brit, ranting that Mark Wahlberg's performance in "The Fighter" is "One of the best music videos of all time!" Afterwards, it was proposed that maybe everyone should just stop inviting Kanye to these things.
7. OR… Mark Wahlberg wins Best Actor, goes through list of people he does NAWT want to thank. In a refreshingly novel outpouring of unappreciative sentiment, Wahlberg simply stands at the podium, clutching his glistening award in one hand and pointing accusingly with the other as he bellows "Nawt you!" at nearly everyone in the room, including several bus boys. His most fervent rage, however, is directed at an innocent goat tied up in the corner -- "Nawt you, goat!"
8. Johnny Depp ties with himself for Best Actor (Comedy or Musical). He refuses both awards. Taking the stage, Depp refuses to accept the two (yes, two) Golden Globes handed to him for his performances in "Alice in Wonderland" and "The Tourist." Instead, he simply holds up an ipad displaying a slideshow containing images of himself in such films as "Finding Neverland," "Ed Wood," and "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas," while muttering into the mic "'The Tourist.' Really, guys?"
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9. Annette Bening wins for Best Actress (Comedy or Musical), celebrates by also making out with Mila Kunis. Even Bening's baby daddy, Warren Beatty, seems completely cool with the unbridled outpouring of bi-curious affection exchanged between the "The Kids Are All Right's" faux-gay star and sultry but increasingly wary Kunis. Mila later comments to the press: "Dear God, please get them off me."
10. Mark Zuckerberg buys Golden Globes, "Inception" sweeps every category. Hoping to dim the unflattering spotlight cast upon him with the release of "The Social Network" (and still pissed about not getting into Phoenix Club), Facebook CEO Zuckerberg buys the Hollywood Foreign Press Association shortly before airtime and declares the cerebral sci-fi thriller "Inception" Winner Of Everything, including Best Foreign Language Film and Best Actress in a Television Drama. He also replaces Ricky Gervais as host and wears one of those cool face microphones.