Christian Bale vs. Mark Wahlberg

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Actors can be a delicate breed. Ruffle their feathers and some are liable to stomp off to their trailer for the rest of the day.

Then there are actors like Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale. These guys don't get "miffed." They get raged. Step on their lines and the police might have to be called. And well, that's part of the reason we love them.

With the pair co-starring in the new film "The Fighter," the levels of testosterone on set must have reached UFC levels -- it's a wonder Amy Adams didn't grow a beard. These rugged fellas don't seem like the types to shy away from a fight. So why not pit them against each other in a totally scientifically valid comparison that will decide, once and for all, objectively, who's best?

Full Name

Bale: Christian Charles Philip Bale

Wahlberg: Mark Robert Michael Wahlberg

Advantage: Tie. Both names are needlessly long.

Mothers

Bale: His mother was a circus clown.

Wahlberg: His mother was a bank clerk.

Advantage: We're not saying nothing 'bout nobody's mother.

Most Accomplishments by the Age of 18

Bale: At 13, won "Best Performance by a Juvenile Actor" from the for "Empire of the Sun."

Wahlberg: Had 20-25 run-ins with the Boston Police, was addicted to cocaine and was charged with attempted murder, for which he served 45 days in jail.

Advantage: Wahlberg (we said "most" accomplishments)

Highest-Grossing Film

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Bale: "The Dark Knight" made over $1 billion worldwide.

Wahlberg: "The Planet of the Apes" made $362 million worldwide.

Advantage: Bale. For so many reasons.

Funkiest Trait

Bale: Is English.

Wahlberg: Was once Marky Mark of the rap squad Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch.

Advantage: Neither.

Best Scene in Which They Make a Porn

Bale: In "American Psycho," admired himself in a mirror while videotaping sex with hookers. It was pretty awesome. But, afterwards, he killed them with a chainsaw.

Wahlberg: Raised Julianne Moore's eyebrows on the set of a porno in "Boogie Nights." She wasn't subsequently chainsawed.

Advantage: Wahlberg

Least Emotionally Damaging to Coworkers

Bale: Mercilessly berated cinematographer Shane Hurlbut on the set of "Terminator Salvation" for over four minutes. The recording leaked and was heard around the world.

Wahlberg: Wore that penis prosthetic on the set of "Boogie Nights."

Advantage: Wahlberg

Most Humorless

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Bale: We're not sure he's ever laughed or open-mouth smiled in public. Plus he destroyed a co-worker's soul (see above).

Wahlberg: After seeing Andy Sandberg's "SNL" sketch portraying him talking to farm animals and telling them to say hi to their mothers, Wahlberg said he was going to go "crack that big f**king nose of his..."

Follow-Up: Wahlberg appeared on "SNL" and got in on the joke. Bale issued a public apology for verbally castrating a man in front of the whole world.

Advantage: Bale. That poor Director of Photography will always be a little deader inside.

Best Performance in Tighty-Whiteys

Bale: Exercised in a pair while describing the importance of daily skin care in "American Psycho."

Wahlberg: Rapped in them.

Advantage: Bale

Best Quote

Bale: "What don't you f**king understand?"

Wahlberg: "I can't get no coochie without no Gucci!"

Advantage: Bale. You'd think Wahlberg's would be catchier – but then you listen to the techno remix of Bale's rant 10 times straight.

Results

Yeah let's just call this a tie. No contest is worth getting beaten up over.