'Twilight' Fan Fiction: The CliffsNotes

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"The Twilight Saga" has inspired a pretty insane amount of fan fiction, with Twi-Hards writing thousands upon thousands of new stories using Stephenie Meyer's characters and plotlines. Maybe it's because her work is so beloved -- or maybe it's because Meyer makes writing look easy.

I obviously enjoy her books, and she is The Godmother. But research isn't her strong point (historically, vampires neither sparkle nor stay abstinent). And bless her heart, but she doesn't exactly have an extensive vocabulary either (she uses "glower" at least 200 times in "New Moon").

Whatever the reason, the phenomenon has grown large enough to warrant attention. Last week I surprised myself by enjoying some "Twilight" fan fiction online. Sure, the writing can be incredibly bad and the plots paper-thin, but the kitsch factor alone makes it fun. And isn't that part of "Twilight's" appeal anyway?

To entice the uninitiated into visiting this world, I've written my own "CliffsNotes" of three fan fiction stories online.

A word of warning to any grammar police reading this: Stop! There is no place for grammar in fan fiction and reading it will only enrage you. You'll notice some quotes taken directly from the fiction below.

'Hurt'

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By JacobFan

Defining Quote: "Having all these conclusions drawn there is a possibilty of Jacob and Leah to be together forever and beyond time." - Blackwater.fanify.org

Best User Review: "Reading the part about Bella getting beat up was awesome!" - OutTonightAndForever

Summary: Blackwater is an entire genre of "Twilight" fan fiction based on that female wolf Leah Clearwater imprinted on Jacob Black in "Breaking Dawn." Now the two are soul mates. This particular piece tells the story of their courtship. During Jacob and Leah's first official date, they bump into Edward and Bella at the restaurant. Edward tries to horn in on Leah and Bella plays her bitchy nemesis, obnoxiously flirting with Jacob. In the end, Jacob has to beat up Edward, and Rosalie and Alice Cullen stomp Bella for messing with Leah (they're her besties in this world).

'Unexpected'

By Selenaaaaaaa

Defining Quote: "Why did I have to smell so good?" – Bella Swan

Best User Review: "This is more believable than the book, to quote my father after i showd him this. he hates the fact that eddy was a virgin until bella. u no cuz vamps r supossd to get a lot of action." - tHe.DaRkEnEd.HaTrEd.Of.LoVe

Summary: What if instead of Edward refusing to sleep with Bella on their first night alone together in "Eclipse," he raped her instead? Yep, just raped her and left her? Author Selenaaaaaaa answers that question in this story. Instead of describing the actual brutal scene, she writes the disclaimer: "I'am not happy with this part and I didn't want to write this part either, but I needed a reason for Bella to go to the volturi. Anyways Edward rapes Bella here." Immediately afterward, Bella decides she wants to die. She steals $8,000 from the Cullens and travels to Italy, where she insists the Volturi kill her. They refuse and instead allow her to live there. She falls in love with the sadistic vampire Volturi guard Alec and ponders becoming a vampire herself.

'A Place In This World'

By Dani-1995

Defining Quote: "Thats right, I am a werewolf with Vampire parents." – Malaya Sherwood

Best User Review: "I kinda hate Sam's guts right now and hope he'll mess up! I think it would be funny if Maya totally kicked Sam's ass, hehe. I didn't see any spelling/grammer mistakes at all!" – Tough1as6Glass

Summary: The premise here is that Jared from Sam Uley's wolf pack has a twin sister named Malaya Sherwood, who was given up for adoption at birth. Growing up, Malaya bounced from one foster home to another because she had such a bad temper. Finally, vegetarian vampires Eleazar and Carmen of The Denali Clan adopted her. They shepherded her through the wolf transformation. Now Malaya is in her late teens and the Quileute tribe has just learned of her shape-shifting powers. The elders are insisting she stay in La Push to run with the pack and protect their people. However, Malaya is all spit and hellfire. She wants to return to Alaska with her adoptive parents. This becomes yet another rift between vampires and wolves. Luckily for the Quileute, they have a secret sex weapon, Jacob Black. The sexual tension is so thick between he and Malaya in the last chapter Dani-1995 has written so far, it appears the wolf pack has a new member.