Watching Bella Swan Strip In 'Welcome To The Rileys'

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I had a deep crush on the same girl from fourth grade through high school. Since people from my hometown read this blog, let's call her... Stephanie. She liked me too -- as a "best friend" (yep, friend card = the worst). I had to listen to stories about the guys she hooked up with for eight years. Guess that's why I relate to Jacob Black.

Anyway, Stephanie followed in her older sister's shoes and became a stripper after we graduated. She gave me an open invitation to get into the club free any time she worked. So of course I had to eventually go, but after all those years picturing Stephanie naked, it was sheer horror seeing Stephanie naked... as she grinded on the lap of 300-pound guy to a bad Marilyn Manson song.

Color me turned off.

I got that same feeling watching Bella Swan in the new documentary "Welcome to the Rileys," where she goes by the pseudonym Mallory. For years I've had to watch as she hooks up with Edward and cuddles with a shirtless Jacob. Finally, here's my chance to see Bella bare it all (she's 18 now so it's not creepy) and suddenly she's offering to pleasure Tony Soprano in the champagne room of a cheap New Orleans strip club.

That is a tough image to shake out of my head. Even worse is Tony denies her offer. After all those times Edward denied her, that made me feel even sorrier. If you've ever watched his mobster reality show "The Sopranos," you know Tony doesn't deny much of anything.

The real kicker is you don't even get to see Bella shirtless (there are, however, buttocks galore). I have a feeling a lot of male Twi-Hards like myself are going to feel cheated. They're going to pay hard-earned singles to see Bella Gone Wild and will leave without nary a boob sighting.

I hate to sound like a stickler/pervert but if Bella wants to be stripper/prostitute she should take off her top. I mean, for the amount of money alone. But you know, also for the art. If you don't believe me, just ask these fine ladies who all worked briefly in the sex industry.

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Mary Camden ("7th Heaven") showed stripper boobs in "Powder Blue."

Ali Mills ("Karate Kid") showed hooker boobs in "Leaving Las Vegas."

Jessie Spano ("Saved By The Bell") showed stripper boobs in "Showgirls."

I understand Bella is trying to establish her own identity away from Forks, the vampires and the wolf pack. She just needs to throw herself more fully into the life and move to a higher-end strip club or choose a different direction. There have been too many famous teens with forgettable, half-assed attempts at new lives.

Edward Cullen ("Twilight") tried to be Salvador Dali in "Little Ashes."

Brendon Walsh ("Beverly Hills, 90210") tried to be a hitman in "Cold Blooded"

Mouth ("The Goonies") tried to be a ninja turtle in "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

Claire Standish ("Breakfast Club") tried to be a grownup in "Not Another Teen Movie."

Joey Potter ("Dawson's Creek") tried to make Tom Cruise look sane.

And on and on...

Don't be another statistic Bella.

“Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard” is a new “Twilight” humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every Tuesday on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here or follow him on Twitter.