Taylor Lautner vs. the World

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I don't claim Team Jacob or Team Edward. In fact if I had to pick a team, I'd opt for Team Alice (or more specifically, Team Ashley Greene after seeing her in a body-painted bikini).

A little while back I devoted a column to all the craziness that was surrounding Robert Pattinson that week, and since I don't want to show favoritism to either side, this week's post is dedicated to one of the world's favorite shirt-taker-offers, Taylor Lautner.

The young actor not at all best known for "The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D" has a reputation around Hollywood for being a supremely nice guy. Naturally, I tried to find someone who has actual beef with Wolfy, but outside of suing an RV dealership for not delivering his $300,000 Affinity Country Coach RV – he seems to be a standup guy.

However, that doesn't mean the tabloids won't still pit him against people. This month, Taylor has some battles he may not even know he's fighting.

Taylor Lautner vs. Taylor Lautner Lookalike

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If you've Googled "Kim Kardashian" and "Taylor Lautner" together this week (something I do often for unknown reasons), you've noticed a large uptick in search results. That's because tabloids are running headlines that claim Kardashian is dating a Lautner lookalike (Laut-a-like). They don't even care about the guy's real name.

Well, he is an actual person with an actual Hollywood career. Michael Copon (right) is an actor best known for playing the Blue Time Force Ranger in "Power Rangers Time Force." He could have coasted a long time on that sweet credit but has now found himself making gossip headlines as Laut-a-like. Guess it beats going more under the radar as a Jacob Black impersonator on Hollywood Boulevard.

Winner: The Real Lautner

Taylor Lautner vs. Taylor Swift

Taylor and Taylor seemed tailor-made for each other (how many bad journalists have written that line?). However, they broke up recently, with Swift saying, "[Taylor's] one of my best friends." Ouch, the friend card. I'm sure he's thrilled to be Swift's "best friend" because she has so many interesting things to say. So it seemed she won that round… until she released the latest track from her upcoming album "Speak Now." The lyrics on "Back to December" seem to imply she has regrets.

You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye

So this is me swallowing my pride

Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night

And I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right

If we loved again I swear I'd love you right.

Advantage: Lautner

Taylor Lautner vs. Taylor Kinney

Actor Taylor Kinney plays new werewolf Mason Lockwood on CW's "Vampire Diaries" (Is it possible he just got the part because of his first name?) Celebuzz asked him who would win in a fight between Lockwood and Jacob Black. Kinney cockily answered that he'd win "no contest." Really, dude? Black is the alpha male in a pack seven-foot tall super wolves and you turn into a regular-sized wolf (the show uses real wolves, which is awesome, but not tougher). Somebody please design a "Wolf vs. Wolf" video game so I can buy it and then (virtually) beat the crap out of Mason Lockwood.

Reigning Alpha Dog: Lautner

Taylor Lautner vs. Chaske Spencer

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PopEater just interviewed Lautner's co-wolf Chaske Spencer, who plays Sam Uley in the films. They asked which one of them had better skills with the ladies. Let's see, who do you think has more luck with women: the 18-year old heartthrob with washboard abs or the 35-year old guy with sadness in his eyes?

Have a heart, PopEater. You don't ask a person with a bum knee: "Who runs faster, you or NFL's Offensive Player of the Year running back Chris Johnson?"

Results: Laut Up, Pop Down

Taylor Lautner vs. Sklar Brothers

And finally, most of you have seen the clip of an insane 11-year old Lautner competing in the 2003 ISKA Karate Championships. However, only this week did I discover this following 2005 clip of Randy and Jason Sklar lampooning the clip on "Cheap Seats" – completely unaware of what Lautner would become.

Winner: Guess.

“Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard” is a new “Twilight” humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every Tuesday on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here or follow him on Twitter.