Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard: An Open Letter To Justin Bieber Re: His Choice of Wingman

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Yo Biebs,

You're the heartthrob of millions and a 16-year-old millionaire. I'm the heartthrob of one (two if you count dogs) and a 30-year-old with credit debt. I understand I'm in no place to be giving you advice.

However, I am wealthier than you in two areas: knowledge of Robert Pattinson and experience in female rejection.

After reading an interview you did with OK! Magazine, I can tell you're engaging in the follies of youth. And no, that wasn't a hair joke. You said Robert Pattinson is an ideal wingman: "I love talking to girls and going on dates.... We should go to a few showbiz parties and see what happens."

You're a young superstar, so it's forgivable that you don't understand a wingman's purpose.  The term comes from aerial combat where wingmen increase firepower toward shared targets, attack enemy threats against comrades and support the lead pilot during a mission. (You'd know that if you were born by the time "Top Gun" came out.)

Pattinson is not wingman material. If he's there, you're no longer the lead pilot. Sure, young chicks trample each other just to be near you. But Pattinson has the higher upside. He can buy beer, and British accents are sexier than Canadian ones. That means he'll be too busy firing at his own targets and fending off his own enemy threats to support your mission.

Listen, Biebs, I think you're a good kid. I'm not writing this just to point out your mistake, I want to solve your problem.

Since I'm in a happily committed relationship, I'd like you to have my former wingman, Scott. He may not look like much, but Scott's Iceman compared to that Brit's wingman skills. (Sorry, "Top Gun" reference.)

1. Scott Smothers Grenades

From watching "Jersey Shore," you should know a good bro jumps on "grenades" (unattractive girls) so his bro can score with her prettier friend. Why would Pattinson do that for you when he's busy canoodling with K-Stew? Plus, the paparazzi would have a field day catching him macking on some nobody.

However, your grenades are a civilian's score. The caliber of girls you're casting off is still higher than what normal guys usually get. Scott jumped on some grenades for me, so yours will be cake in comparison.

2.  Scott Is Mature

Mothers no doubt like your clean-cut image, but most will still be hesitant to let their teen daughters fly on your private jet. No problem, Scott (pictured right, bottom, with sandwich) has that covered.

Many girls you meet in Hollywood will have single mothers. Since Scott's older, he can start dating the mom and convince her your aim is true. If that doesn't work, Scott will promise to chaperone the entire date as a responsible adult and then leave you to your own devices. Can Pattinson pull that off?

3. Scott Can Block

Young women can get distracted very easily at an A-list party. That means you need to isolate her from other celebrities. While Pattinson is bombarded with adoring fans, Scott stays vigilant as you run your game on her. He'll head off any big names that may walk in her eye-line and steal attention. He'll engage them in conversation about his scripts, his live shows and his cats – knowing quite well celebrities hate that and will walk the other way.

4. Scott Won't Steal

A wingman should never steal your spotlight. Pattinson is a vampire and will suck attention away. Scott is a banker, or buys money or sells money or does something with money… I'm not really sure because it's a job so boring I forget. Point is, his profession will not steal focus.

5. Scott Doesn't Fear

If a girl you like is spending the whole party talking to George Clooney, do you think Pattison would distract him so you can swoop in to steal her? No, a celebrity of Clooney's caliber intimidates lesser celebrities. However, Scott doesn't care at that point because you're all celebrities to him. He's already in over his head, so he has no problem telling Clooney his review of "The American" in exhaustive detail.

Don't get me wrong, Biebs. This blog absolutely loves Pattinson. I just know he'll make a better friend than a wingman. Don't burn yourself by taking a fellow A-lister on the prowl. You need Scott as your wingman.


Ryan, Male Twi-Hard

“Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard” is a new “Twilight” humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every Tuesday on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here or follow him on Twitter.