Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard: Taking On a Pot-Hard

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One of my best friends, Ron, loves to tease me for being a devoted "Twilight" fan.

I understand it. That's part of male bonding, after all. Guys bust each others' balls over stuff, especially something that many guys will say challenges the very notion of one even possessing balls in the first place.

Actually, I deserve it. Karma is a bee-yotch, you know. Years before I became a Twi-Hard, Ron fell in love with the "Harry Potter" series, becoming what many would call a "Potter Head." (But since we live in a Twi-World now, I declare him a "Pot-Hard.")

Ron would stay up most of the night reading these books as thick as The Bible and get in heated discussions at bars over the best film adaptation (he claims it's the fourth one, Mike Newell's "Goblet of Fire" – or whatever).  I teased him relentlessly for being so passionate about a childrens series.

Today, we're both adults with movie obsessions others mock, and yet we still refuse to see the other's side. He claims my fandom proves I am a deeply closeted homosexual (not that there's anything wrong with that). I think his choice confirms he's a sad man-child, a la Steve Carell in "The 40-Year Old Virgin." And also that he's gay (still not anything wrong with it) and he likes magic too much.

Magic will not save you, Ron! (Edward or Jesus will though.)

At an impasse, we have decided to settle this like any great argument of the 21st Century: by Internet debate. 

Let the Best Man Who Has Movie Obsessions Others May Mock But Totally Isn't Gay win!

Note: While this is a "Twilight"-themed blog, I hope you readers will approach this with an open mind. Comment below and add your two cents. Maybe one fan base will be able to sway Ron or myself (both sides have quite the task ahead of them).

Main Draw

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Pot-Hard: "It's magic. Magic is awesome. If they want amazing food, boom, it's there. I'm not talking about magicians. They're the saddest humans in the world. I'm talking about real magic."

Twi-Hard: "Vampires are superhuman and have individual special powers, which is like magic but better because they don't have to go to school to learn it, they live forever -- barring a freak accident involving gigantic wolves ripping them apart and burning their body parts. "

Sex

Twi-Hard: "It's all about sex. The first three books are about abstaining from it. And in the last book Bella and Edward finally do it on a private island. (Whoops, spoiler alert.) That is what life about. Abstaining from sex until you find your version of a private island."

Pot-Hard:  "There is so much better character development in 'Harry Potter.' The characters are worried about more than just sex. It's just like you are growing up, learning to deal with the opposite sex. And Ron and Hermione totally make out in the last book. So there's that."

Twi-Hard: "'Twilight' has way hotter chicks."

Pot-Hard: "The 'Twilight' guys are always naked. It's for gay guys and 14-year old girls. Plus, Hermione has grown into a very beautiful young woman and that Asian girl Harry likes is hot. Well, she's still young. But you can tell she's going to be hot."

Intended Audience

Pot-Hard: "Yes, it is a book for children… and the young at heart. There are films made for kids that adults can enjoy also because it taps into their inner-child. We should all live our lives with childlike innocence. What does 'Twilight' tap into? Your inner 14-year-old girl?"

Twi-Hard: "There are more adult themes here than in 'Harry Potter.' Haven't you ever fallen in love with the wrong person? Or had to weigh your happiness versus the happiness of your family? It's heavy stuff."

Pot-Hard: "Adult themes happen in 'Harry Potter.' People die. "

Spin-Offs

Pot-Hard: "'Wizard People, Dear Reader.' It is the most hilarious thing I've seen. Brad Neely made an alternate soundtrack to the first Harry Potter and it's brilliant."

Twi-Hard: "Without the success of 'Twilight,' we probably wouldn't have 'True Blood.' Plus, all the crazy 'Twilight' merch is much better than 'Harry Potter' stuff. The sparkly dildo? That's an important piece of pop culture for years to come."

“Confessions of a (Male) Twi-Hard" is a new “Twilight” humor column by Ryan McKee that publishes every Tuesday on NextMovie. Read Ryan’s introductory post here or follow him on Twitter.