Delete Your Account: Donald Trump And Ted Cruz, Your Twitter Privileges Have Been Revoked

Melania Trump and Heidi Cruz, 2020. Everyone else needs to get off Twitter.

In all the history of the world, men have never been able to insult one another without dragging a woman who was minding her own business into it. That tradition continues this week as Donald Trump and Ted Cruz fight over each other's wives and Diplo reminds us he's the biggest thot in the music industry. Meanwhile, some GOP campaign managers need to do their jobs and stay off Twitter, Dead-Mow-Five is still thirsty, and New York Times trend piece Ariana Grande remembers the good old days.

DONALD TRUMP VS. TED CRUZ: THE PROLOGUE

You wonder why it's hard for women in politics? Because in 2016, grown men are using their wives' looks as ammunition against each other in a goddamn presidential campaign. Because Trump has a bigger rogues' gallery than Spider-Man, a super PAC that hates him put out this ad that's supposed to encourage people to vote against him. First of all, Melania looks like a bad bitch in this photo, so I'm not sure who this is supposed to dissuade except strict religious conservatives (which probably means Mitt Romney is behind it). Except those kind of people hate anyone who's not white and Christian, so they'll put up with a little nudity from Melania if it means getting rid of gays and colored people.

Since Ted wasn't directly responsible for this ad, you'd think Donald would leave well enough — hahahahaha. Sorry, I couldn't even finish that sentence believably. Of course Donald responded with a childish and petty tweet.

DONALD TRUMP

First of all, Trump didn't even tweet this meme, some rando follower of his did, but he gladly retweeted it. Because no matter how many times you put "Retweets are not endorsements" in your Twitter bio, we all know that shit's not true. It takes too much effort to retweet something if you don't endorse it. And Trump happily wants people to know that Heidi Cruz has some secrets and he could "expose haaaaa" any time he wants.

Second, this shitty meme once again attacks a woman's body. First, Melania was too sexualized to become first lady. Now, Heidi is what, too unattractive? Far be it from me to even engage with this nonsense, but I constantly wonder how Heidi can go to bed each night with the maybe–Zodiac Killer, definite alien body snatcher that is walking around with a stretched face mask calling itself Ted Cruz. The man is frightening. So is Donald Trump. I'd considering voting for Melania if she ran with Heidi as her running mate. Who wouldn't want to lay up on some lavish remote island run by Melania? That sounds like heaven.

Her husband, on the other hand, continues to find new depths to sink to. At this point, if grown men can act like this while running for the office of president, why can't we give Obama a third term?

Should Donald Delete His Account? Yes. Yes. Yes. I know our forefathers owned slaves, but I'd maybe forgive them if their ghosts came back and haunted Donald until he was driven to a psych ward.

JEFF ROE

I can't even be on Ted Cruz's side in all of this, because his campaign manager is out here speculating about people's mental health. I don't even like Trump's racist ass, but is this really something you should be tweeting? These are the exact same tactics Trump uses on other people, and it doesn't have the possibility of ever being effective. So stop being a child! Go run a campaign! Listen to the words of TS Madison and fix your life:

Should Jeff Delete His Account? Yes. Twitter is not your 9-5. Go do your damn job.

ARIANA GRANDE

Oh, wow, a whole three years, huh? Why, in that amount of time, HBO aired and canceled not only Looking but also Togetherness! I guess when you've dated Big Sean, broken up with Big Sean, been compared to Mariah Carey and sparked stan wars on Twitter, and licked doughnuts while decrying America, it kinda feels like you've been in the game for years.

O-Town lasted longer than three years, sis. But it's OK, I'm a millennial too and I speak in hyperbole all the time. Like, literally all the time.

Should Ariana Delete Her Account? Nah, I like her.

DIPLO

Diplo is a hot garbage bin. Diplo is the hell that Jean-Paul Sartre wrote about. Deciding that it was so much fun calling Zedd's relationship with Selena Gomez "fake" last year and telling Taylor Swift she needs to get a booty, he's back at it again with the bullying — this prepubescent-looking child who DJs when his parents sign his permission slips. When Diplo decided to drag Zedd for making an M&M jingle, he made the mistake of saying that "it's not all about the money." If Diplo wanted to be a shady bitch, he could've just been a shady bitch without invoking some kind of moral high ground. But the minute he did that… everyone fired up their search engines and looked for "Diplo Discography." Beloved, you made a mediocre song on the worst album of Britney Spears's career. You produced a track for Snoop Lion and Rita Ora. You produced a Jessie J song. No one is about to have a symposium on you at the Guggenheim anytime soon.

Zedd, bless his little heart, tried to clap back. But he looks far too innocent to ever ether someone online. He doesn't even look like he's spilled tea about anybody at brunch. Calling someone a "little bitch" is such a straight guy with a lack of vocabulary move. Also, unless you shut down a frequent Twitter bully like Diplo by really scathing him, he's going to keep going. In a since-deleted tweet, he shot back with: "your young and rich and a great musician.. Use that to your advantage.. Don't be such a pompous cornball loser also I fucked your girl." He followed that tweet an apology for his shitty grammar (but not spelling), but didn't apologize for dragging an unnamed woman into this petty fight. I won't speculate on who Diplo is referring to, but I have an idea, and if it's true, I'll pray for her and help with any black-magic spells she'd like to cast on Diplo.

But she's probably unbothered because this is what Diplo always does. He's fucked everyone, apparently, because he's a thot and what do thots crave more than anything else in the world? Attention.

Should Diplo Delete His Account? Yes. It'd be a public service at this point.

DEADMAU5

I already lightly suggested that Dead-Mow-Five delete his account, and now here he is making me regret not being firmer in my ruling. This would've been a lovely drag if it this was all he tweeted. It's funny, it's rude as hell, and it reminds Diplo that he ain't shit when it comes to making radio pop. I was even gonna ignore the thirstiness of chiming in when nobody asked for his opinion. But then Dead-Mow-Five had to tweet this:

I thought you were defending Zedd, but now you're dragging him? So you weren't actually trying to defend a friend, you were actually just being a dick for no good reason. Go away.

Should Dead-Mow-Five Delete His Account? Yes. Where's Kanye when you need him?

PORNHUB

Log the fuck off!!!!!

Should Pornhub Delete Its Account? If you don't know how to find free porn on the Internet without the help of Pornhub's Twitter account, I can't help you!