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The Story Of Holy Week, As Told By Donald Trump

Get a load of this Jesus guy. Telling people he loves them. Telling people to love one another as he loves them. I just can’t believe this.

The story of Jesus’s entrance into Jerusalem, the Last Supper, and his Betrayal, Crucifixion, and Resurrection, as interpreted by leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump.

Jesus’s Entrance Into Jerusalem:

Jerusalem -- big city! Biggest city. You know, Jerusalem, it used to be great. Now it’s just terrible! Terrible! We gotta get great biblical cities again. Gotta get great. So Jesus — really nice guy. Too nice. Way too nice. People are too nice now. That’s why we’re losing. Losing all the time. So Jesus, he’s going into Jerusalem. So he asks a disciple to get a … a donkey. And that’s why he’s a loser! That’s why Jesus Christ is a loser. Why are people trying to act like this loser on a donkey? When Donald Trump goes into a city, he’s getting the best. The absolute best. A Trump horse. A Trump stallion. You know they measure horses in hands? Well, they measure Trump horses in Trump hands. The biggest hands.

So the people, the people of Jerusalem, they just love Jesus. Love him! Love that guy! They’re all, “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!” Then the ESTABLISHMENT, and they’re not funding me, by the way, I am totally, completely self-funded, they TELL Jesus, “Hey, you gotta stop these people!” And Jesus is like, “No way!” I know what that’s like, because we have these thugs at my events, and then my people will punch them in the face, and the ESTABLISHMENT tells me, “Hey, you gotta stop people from being violent at your campaign events.” I’m pretty similar to Jesus. But, you know, I’ve been way more successful. Way more. I’m not a loser.

The Last Supper

Jesus, I don’t know about that guy. I just don’t understand it. So he’s the king, right? He’s the king. Son of God. The big God. But he knows, he knows that something is about to happen! Those lyin’ Pharisees and their thugs are just -- they’re sniffing around. You know if I’m in that situation, I am spilling the beans on them! And their wives. Got a lot on those wives. Going after those wives. But Jesus, he doesn’t do anything! Doesn’t do a thing. Little Jesus! Too scared to go after the big guys. That’s why, like I said, he’s not a winner. I’m a winner. We’re going to make America great again, guys. And not by acting like this loser Jesus.

So Jesus, he’s got this big holiday to celebrate. Big holiday. Not the biggest. Not a Trump holiday. But it’s Passover, there’s some food. But Jesus, he’s washing feet! Washing the feet of his disciples. He knows one of them, one of them is going to betray him! Gonna just lie and lie, and help the ESTABLISHMENT, and Jesus isn’t doing anything! That’s why we’re not winning. When we’re trying to be like LITTLE JESUS with his LOSER ATTITUDE, we’re not winning. So he washes all of their disgusting feet. Disgusting. It’s just terrible. And then Peter, Peter is going to deny Jesus. Do it three whole times! And Jesus knows it, and he doesn’t do anything about it. I just can’t believe this. Get a load of this Jesus guy. Telling people he loves them. Telling people to love one another as he loves them. Saying you gotta lay your life down for your friends. Love, love, love. What a loser.

Jesus’s Arrest and Crucifixion

So Jesus, he’s a loser, and he’s a rule breaker. You know what I say about rule breakers: You gotta punish them. We’re not punishing people anymore. That’s our problem. We’re too nice. We gotta make America great again, and we gotta punish people. Punish everyone!

So Jesus, he’s praying. Praying in this garden. It’s not a nice garden. Not a nice one at all. And then Judas, he comes in, with these soldiers and priests, and Jesus, he knows what’s going on. But he doesn’t do anything! Little Jesus, the son of God, and he’s not doing anything! Simon Peter pulls out his sword and cuts off a guy’s ear, but Little Jesus, he’s like, “Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?” Jesus is just going to let this happen. I can’t believe it. Can’t believe it! The soldiers and priests, they take him away. They take him to two high priests, real big guys, real important, and Jesus, he says he’s been open, he doesn’t have any secrets. Talking like that, to the high priests! That’s why we’re not great anymore, that’s why we’re losing all the time. No respect for authority.

So they take him to Pontius Pilate, and Pilate’s asking Jesus these questions, and Jesus says that the reason he was born was to testify to the truth. He won’t say he’s the king of the Jews. Won’t say it. Not a leader. Not a real leader. Little Jesus. And then Pilate’s asking the Jews around the palace if they want Jesus released. And they say that they want Barabbas. Barabbas, now that’s a leader. Real man of the people. Real man. Big man. Big hands.

And then, they take Jesus, and they really beat the crap out of him. Whips and the whole deal. Real punishment. We gotta get back to that. Then they take him, and they put a crown of thorns on him, and they show him to the people around there, and they say they want him crucified. You gotta listen to the people. We’re just not doing that right now. No one listens to the little guy who wants Jesus Christ crucified. I will. I’ll crucify whoever you want. And Jesus, he doesn’t say anything! Not a leader. Just says that Pilate wouldn’t have power over him if he hadn’t been granted that power from above. Little Jesus. Always losing, just giving himself away.

So they take Jesus, and they nail him to a cross on Golgotha. Nail him right on it. He’s just on this cross. Not doing anything about it. Talks to his mother, talks to a disciple, but doesn’t fight back. Not a leader. Can’t believe it. The son of God, nailed to a cross, not punching anyone or doing anything at all. And he gives up his spirit. Just gives up.

Jesus’s Resurrection

So Jesus, he’s dead now. Real dead. Joseph of Arimathea, wealthy guy, small-business owner. We gotta do more for the Josephs of Arimathea in this country. Good people. So anyway, Joseph, he’s a follower of Jesus. So he asks for Jesus’s body, and he and this guy, Nicodemus, they prepare Jesus’s body, and they bury it in a tomb. Not a nice tomb. Not a big tomb. I’m gonna have a huge tomb.

So Jesus, he’s lying in this tomb. He’s dead. But then, Mary Magdalene, not an attractive woman, not smart, blood coming out of her whatever, not a good lady, she’s here. And it’s a couple of days later. And the stone in front of the tomb, it’s gone. She goes back and tells everyone, and they all come, and they see that the tomb is empty. But it’s been a few days. So who knows what happened.

But then Jesus, he’s back. He took three whole days to come back. Three days! That’s not a leader. Should have been putting those Romans and priests on stretchers. Lazy. Not a real leader. Waiting three whole days to come back from the dead.

That’s why we’re losing in this country. Too many people trying to be like this loser Jesus Christ. Not enough people being like me, being a leader with big hands and a lot of big ideas and a whole lot of hate. Not enough hate in this country. Make America more hateful. That’s what we gotta do. Not like Jesus. Jesus was a loser. Real loser. Little Jesus. Didn’t even have a hot wife or anything. Not one hot piece of ass. Just a lot of talk about love. Sad!

The Word of the Lord.