This weekend marks the premiere of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, a movie that box-office pundits are predicting will gross more than $150 million domestically in its opening days and a movie about which I purposefully know very little. I know it's directed by Zack Snyder, which means it will be incredibly self-serious and nonsensically grim, with the sort of shadowy lighting and pained grimaces usually reserved for potato-famine documentaries. I know it stars male-catcalling-activist Henry Cavill and tattoo-gaslighter Ben Affleck. I am assuming it involves the two facing off in some kind of epic battle, though I don't buy the idea that two white males in separate but equal positions of power would sacrifice their considerable standings for a public tussle that will, presumably, leave them either dead or passionately in love and therefore even more conflicted than before. This is why I'm now going to make up five fake films about fictional characters facing off, the kinds of face-offs that would be both more believable and more exciting (albeit less tacitly erotic) than Snyder's.
Mean Girls's Cady Heron v I Know Who Killed Me's Aubrey/Dakota Fleming
It's an inarguable fact that Lindsay Lohan does her best work when she's tasked with playing two versions of herself. She's done it in Parent Trap. She's done it in I Know Who Killed Me, a brief and deeply confusing peek into the deranged fantasies of the American male in which Lindsay actually utters the line "I know who killed me." She's done it in real life, specifically when she appeared as Recalcitrant Lindsay Lohan on her OWN reality show while simultaneously appearing as Not Cutting The Bullshit Lindsay Lohan in public. In Cady Heron v Aubrey/Dakota Fleming: Lawn Of Justice, the two will come to blows over the fact that Aubrey/Dakota, stumbling around bleeding from her stigmata wounds and her poorly amputated leg, got her stigmata blood all over Cady Heron's parents' lawn, an act that led to Cady getting grounded for a full weekend because Cady's parents thought Aubrey/Dakota was Cady. Cady will emerge very quickly as the winner, as Aubrey/Dakota suffers from both significant blood loss and a hacked-off leg.
Carol's Carol v Room's Ma (pre-rescue)
I know what you're thinking: How would Carol even find Ma's room, much less fit inside it, as she is so tall and almost always wearing heels? Also, wouldn't Carol be dead by the time Ma got Roomed? The laws of the known universe do not apply in Carol v Ma: A Room of Their Own, a prequel to both Room and Carol that does not take place within the time-space continuum as we currently understand it, but rather inside a black hole like the one in Interstellar, where nothing makes sense but it's fine because it's in a black hole. You guys get it. We open on Carol sitting on top of Ma's wardrobe, munching on dry pasta right out of the box. Ma stares at her, seething. "That's my dry pasta," says Ma. "That's for my son." "Why's his hair so long?" drawls Carol, her eyes dancing playfully. Ma lunges toward her.
Viggo Mortenson in The Road v Ashley Judd in Dolphin Tale 2
Nobody in the immeasurably dark drama The Road — a film that earns its immeasurable darkness, Zack Snyder — ever explains what happened to make everybody all Road-like. Why are people eating each other? Why are people roasting babies on spits? Why does postapocalyptic, post-food, post-napping-in-a-puddle Viggo Mortenson still register as stone-cold foxy? Unnamed Guy Viggo Mortenson Plays in The Road v Ashley Judd in Dolphin Tale 2: Swimming Straight to Hell finally answers these long-gestating questions. In a development that surprises no one, the apocalypse begins in Florida. Viggo Mortenson's Unnamed Guy is on a Floridian vacation with his young son (played by Kodi Smit-McPhee), teaching him how to swim, when Ashley Judd walks by, carrying a markedly depressed dolphin. Viggo asks Ashley if she needs help carrying the dolphin. Ashley smiles and hurls the dolphin directly at Viggo. Viggo ducks just in time, grabs Kodi Smit-McPhee, and runs to the nearest cabana. It turns out the dolphin is infected with a rare but deadly dolphin virus and has bitten Ashley, rendering her mouth-frothingly insane and violent. The dolphin, thrashing about in its psychological prison, bites everyone in the pool, all of whom go similarly insane and begin eating each other. The virus travels across the globe at an alarming pace.
George Clooney in One Fine Day v Rachel McAdams in Spotlight
In One Fine Day, George Clooney plays Jack Taylor, the kind of lackadaisically charming, delusionally entitled male journalist we've all fantasized about sleeping with then promptly murdering. In Spotlight, Rachel McAdams plays Sacha Pfeiffer, a highly competent journalist with a passion for justice and an undying dedication to her craft (for the purposes of this piece, we'll deal only with Fictional Sacha Pfeiffer, not Real Sacha Pfeiffer, who is probably too tired from actual journalism to do battle with George Clooney). In Jack Taylor v Sacha Pfeiffer: Who Does Journalism Better?, Jack and Sacha will meet one (fine-ish) day at a press conference for presidential candidate Michelle Pfeiffer (the real Michelle Pfeiffer -- stay with me). Over and over and over again, Jack will attempt to hit on Sacha while she is trying to get a quote from Michelle, and finally, Sacha will reach into his chest, pull out his beating heart, and eat the entire thing. The entire press conference will erupt in cheers, and Michelle and Sacha will lock eyes and fall madly in love. Hm, I lied about this one being less erotic than Batman v Superman.
Ben Affleck's Batman v Christian Bale's Batman
Christian Bale has publicly spoken about being disappointed with his own performance in Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy. He has also publicly spoken about how he's jealous that Affleck's taking on the role, admitting, "When I heard there was someone else doing it, there was a moment where I just stopped and stared into nothing for half an hour." Batman v Batman: Batmmmmmm will open on Bale's Batman staring into nothing for half an hour. Affleck's Batman will waltz into the frame after 31 minutes and sit on Bale's Batman's lap. "Let me tell you what I want for Christmas," Affleck's Batman will say. This one will also be erotic, actually.