Warning: This post will make you crave pizza. If you can't have that kind of negativity in your life, please turn back now.
For the most part, pizza is a universally loved food. Nobody -- at least, nobody we've met -- actively despises pizza. But pizza, with its glorious gooey cheese and chewy crust, is basically a timebomb for people who can't eat gluten or lactose.
Gluten-free and cheeseless pies are becoming more common, but the struggle remains very real for everyone who's constantly surrounded by pizza -- seriously, it's everywhere -- but can't indulge in it. Pizza isn't just something to eat anymore; it's part of pop culture and mainstream media. Here are some examples of its ubiquitous impact:
Free food = Pizza
When someone bribes you with free food at a meeting, party, or whatever, 99 percent* of the time it's pizza. Free food is far less enticing when it makes your intestines angry.
*I made this statistic up, but you get the idea.
Late night food = Pizza
Late night drunk food options are one the most underrated advantages of going to college in a big city. Why is pizza the only thing that can be delivered to a suburban campus at 4 a.m.?
$1 food = Pizza
If you live in New York City, you know the quickest and cheapest way to satiate your hunger is with a greasy $1 slice. A $10 salad simply can't fill you up like carbs and cheese can.
Party food = Pizza
Whenever large groups of people want food, pizza is the go-to choice because (1) it's cheap, (2) someone will deliver it to your door, and (3) everyone, even picky eaters, loves pizza.
When someone suggests pizza at a party, everyone cheers while you nervously yell out: "Hey, is there one without cheese? Or a gluten-free crust? Please?"
When you inevitably give in and eat pizza
It's not that you don't love pizza. Your body just doesn't react well to it, so you're smart enough to avoid it. But sometimes temptation gets the best of you, and you surrender to the cheese.
The resulting pizza hangover
Alcohol isn't required for this hangover. Your stomach is now punishing you for your impulsive decision to eat pizza.
Your stomach won't shut up
This hangover probably involves a lot of weird gurgling noises coming from your stomach. Oh, and there's also that painful cramping in your side. Ugh.
Your pockets are full of meds
You keep a large stash of Lactaid and/or Pepto Bismol in your purse, in your car, at your work desk, everywhere, just in case the pizza gods seduce you. At times you feel like a walking pharmacy.
There's no escaping pizza
You're jealous of everyone who can eat pizza, including Pizza Rat
Don't lie to yourself. On some level, you're envious of all the lucky people who can scarf down pizza without thinking twice about it. When Pizza Rat took over Twitter, a teeny-tiny part of you wanted a bite of that
totally gross and germ-infestedslice.
Reading this post made you hungry for pizza
A person can only take so many pizza GIFs before they're salivating for extra cheese. At least we warned you ahead of time. 😭