Now that Kim Kardashian’s nude selfie drama has pretty much died down and Kanye is busy trying to redesign NBA mascots, I had to look elsewhere this week. Lucky for me, you don’t have to be a Kardashian to have a meltdown on Twitter. This week’s Delete Your Account stars an embarrassingly thirsty LL Cool J, an ungracious Pretty Little Liar, Zendaya versus a Hulu actress, an endlessly exhausting Cher, an unsuccessfully petty Bernie Sanders, and a boy band who had a bone to pick with MTV.
LL COOL J
I stepped away and let you breathe. I can cut off air your air supply with one single. Don't test me.
— LLCOOLJ. (@llcoolj) March 2, 2016
Today I'm officially coming out of retirement. And starting a new album .. studio time is set for 8pm.. I'm gonna massacre the rap game!!!
— LLCOOLJ. (@llcoolj) March 14, 2016
We’re no stranger to celebrity Twitter fights used to promote their upcoming projects, but there’s something extra thirsty about someone — a someone named LL Cool J — known for Kanye-style rants going HAM just for some goddamn attention. What is the constant host of the Grammys and Lip Sync Battle doing causing a ruckus on Twitter? Probably because those are the only things he’s known for now (as well as starring on an NCIS spin-off) instead of what he used to do — rap and sing R&B. Think of LL as the original Drake: He released songs about his feelings and pleasuring gaggles of women, but he also went “hard” in the paint and sometimes rapped that his mama said to “knock you out.” He has a fine music legacy. He tried very hard to ruin it by releasing “Accidental Racist” (which — surprise — ended up being all the way racist) with Brad Paisley, but we’ve mostly forgiven him for that.
So why LL thought it was necessary to get lit on Twitter, acting like he had “haters” and that music right now is “trash” and other emcees better be scared of him, completely escapes me. He later deleted the tweets and claimed it was all a “joke.” Hmmmm… then why delete the tweets? Sir, you could’ve just mentioned you were working on a new album. No one needed this thirsty-ass antics. It’s desperate and you’re too damn old to be firing off tweets just to get included in a music blog round-up. A sample of the tweets, captured by Complex:
“What yall think I don’t hear ?? You think I don’t stream that same trash you do!! Think time stood still for me and kept going for you ??”
“I’m going to make you reassess the entire hiphop game.”
“I don’t care who’s album drops. If you drop when mine comes watch what happens. Anybody! !!”
Did LL end up deleting the tweets because he started to feel embarrassed for himself? Like a middle-aged cop trying to go undercover for the Jump Street division? Because you realized that all we needed was an announcement you were releasing G.O.A.T. 2 and you could save everyone the waste of their Monday.
Should LL Delete His Account? Yeah. To prevent him from doing this again, but also because, is NCIS: Los Angeles’ fan base really on Twitter anyway?
And thinspo model for your impressionable tweens https://t.co/ZUwTcgoQml
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) March 13, 2016
You don't have to have an eating disorder to attend the Kids' Choice Awards….but it helps!
— Julie Klausner (@julieklausner) March 13, 2016
Girl, you tried it. I actually love Difficult People and have read I Don’t Care About Your Band, so I enjoy Julie Klausner, but sometimes you have to call a trash tweet a trash tweet, and she fired off a mess of them this week. I get the whole shtick of harassing celebrities on Twitter (this entire column is built on that), but maybe leave people under the legal drinking age in America alone? Here’s how I feel about Zendaya. It’s very easy to pull the whole “who are you?” routine with her like she’s Rita Ora, but that mostly betrays your age. Because she was the star of a very popular Disney Channel show and basically minding her own business until Giuliana Rancic came for her dreads on Fashion Police last year and pulled from the racist book of How to Demean Black Women for Their Hair by saying, “[Zendaya looks] like she smells like patchouli oil or weed. Maybe weed.” Zendaya rightfully called her out and, well, an Internet star was born. Zendaya became a well-known name to teens and adults alike and mostly served as an inspiration to black girls to be themselves in a world that doesn’t appreciate them.
Enter Julie Klausner. I’m sure she was sitting at home, thinking about some funny tweets, as we all do, saw The Hollywood Reporter share an article about Zendaya winning an award and was like, “Ooh, let me go in.” But here’s the thing: Zendaya’s not an adult. Why are you demeaning a child like that? How is it in your job description to “teach” her about herself and to warn other teens about this supposed anorexia you think she has? I mean, what tween is even following you on Twitter? Your fan base is white women and white gay men, who, coincidentally, were the only people online defending your choice to attack Zendaya. That should tell you something.
Body-shaming people is never cute, but you also should understand that black women and their hair and their bodies are attacked in ways white women never will be. The Onion gets away with calling Quevenzhané a cunt, because it’s being “irreverent.” Julie’s own show made a joke about R. Kelly pissing on Blue Ivy Carter. These are both instances of white people using black people as punchlines in situations where black people aren’t present on the writing staff. Stop talking about us when we’re not around if you don’t want to invite us to the conversation. And, for the love of God, when you get called out about intersectional feminism, don’t start quoting bell hooks. White people never wanna tweet about goddamn bell hooks until they get called out on some race bullshit or they want to make a questionable joke.
Should Julie Delete Her Account? Imma wait until Season 2 of Difficult People to decide. But don’t let there be a single goddamn Blue Ivy tweet tho, because you’ve pissed black people off enough, sis.
#TeamTrump p.s. Whoever wins, Same shizz, different timeline. Let's break the whole thing down and start over….
— Lindsey Shaw (@LadyShawsters) March 16, 2016
When someone suggested I include Lindsey Shaw in Delete Your Account, my first reaction was “who?” Upon Googling her, I saw she was that lesbian swimmer who somehow got to live on Pretty Little Liars when Bianca Lawson’s character Maya St. Germain got killed off. Wondering what in the hell she could’ve possibly tweeted to warrant account deletion, since it’s usually the writers of PLL who are the offensive ones, I checked her timeline and saw that she was a Trump supporter. I mean, OK, she was on a very LGBT-friendly (unless you’re transgender) TV show, so what could be the problem? Then I saw how messy she got after she outed herself as a Trump stan.
When people called her out on her poor life and voting choices, she responded by trashing the PLL fandom and lashing out at individual fans. Tweets like “adios mofo,” “hush,” “you have no soul,” and “you people are fucking ridiculous.” Girl, your fans are teenagers. What is wrong with you? Is this why you’re not on the show anymore? Because telling teenagers on the Internet that they have no soul makes it seem like you have way too much free time. It’s pilot season. Please call your agent and look for some work.
Should Lindsey Delete Her Account? Yes. Casting directors aren’t trolling Twitter, girl!
Seen in Chicago. pic.twitter.com/96pr0yd6QI
— Bernie Sanders (@BernieSanders) March 16, 2016
This is petty as fuck for someone who is running for president and not named Donald Trump. How’d that tweet work out for you, Bernie?
Should Bernie Delete His Account? Nah. He’ll need something to do in a few weeks.
WHAT DOES RAHM EMANUEL
HAVE AGAINST HILLARY⁉️
HE KNOWS HES
SO WHY PUT HER IN JEOPARDY ⁉️
“VERY IAGO”TO HER OTHELLO‼️
— Cher (@cher) March 14, 2016
Has anyone else unfollowed Cher on Twitter? Because I feel like at this point, it’s time. You have enough people in your timeline who will retweet any essential tweets from her. And at this point, none of them are really essential anymore. They’re just random freestyles like she’s putting on an all-white community college production of Hamilton.
Like, what is this tweet even saying? Iago to her Othello? I know that Rahm was seen as a liability to Hillary, but she still took Illinois, so… wyd, ma? Have you even read Othello? You probably saw O, didn’t you? Cher seems like a Julia Stiles fan. And a Mekhi Phifer fan. But she probably confuses him with Sean Patrick Thomas. We all do. It’s OK. Mekhi was in O and I Still Know What You Did Last Summer. Sean was in Save the Last Dance.
Anyway. Where was I?
Oh, yeah. Cher. She’s exhausting. Her tweets are exhausting. Unfollow her and save your soul.
Should Cher Delete Her Account? At this point I’m thinking she’s some sort of Twitter vampire and tweeting is her life source, so she probably shouldn’t, but that doesn’t mean you have to follow her!
— DIIV (@DIIV) March 15, 2016
In response to my boy David Turner’s dope article about how the indie scene is oversaturated with the music of sad white bros, lead singer Zachary Cole Smith sidestepped the actual argument and came with with a lackluster clapback.
Should Diiv Delete Their Account? LOL, no, let’s see where this goes.