Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which means you’ve had one full year to work off the hangover of the previous St. Patrick’s Day, which means you’re hopefully ready to ruin yourself until next St. Patrick’s Day with drink and exactly the kind of pagan revelry St. Patrick tried to banish from the bonny hills of Ireland. When you stumble home at the end of the night tonight, let this list be a guide to your post-drinking comedown (I personally always go with Erin Brokovich). As any self-respecting druid can tell you, there’s a movie for every drunken occasion.
1. Got into a fight with a friend at the bar and you were wrong and now you have to live with it: Frances Ha. Your friendship will eventually be OK, don’t worry. Your dance career, on the other hand…
2. Got into a fight with a friend at the bar and you were 100% right, and now they have to live with it: 21 Jump Street. There is no feeling better than knowing you are the Channing.
3. Got into a fight with a friend at the bar and, powered by the impenetrable power of your platonic devotion, together the two of you kicked the asses of every man and/or police officer in sight: Thelma and Louise. Your night was so good you didn’t even have to drive off a cliff to escape the law afterward.
4. You’ve been slurping down nothing but creme de menthe all night, and it’s time to reward your taste buds with some Seamless on the way: Big Night, Julie and Julia, The Devil Wears Prada, the parent scenes of Easy A. I turn to Stanley Tucci on all matters, big and small, but never more than when the matter at hand is food.
5. You’re hungry, but you live in a small town and there’s no Seamless after 11 p.m.: Hannibal. Food could be humans. You don’t know.
6. You’ve come home to commence the boot-and-rally portion of your evening, and you need a movie to make you feel like puking: Pink Flamingos. John Waters, provider of vital public services for 40 years now.
7. You’ve booted but can’t rally because alcohol is literally poison and your body can only take so much and now you’re in for the night and in need of a movie to make you feel better: Lucas. These precious children probably don’t even know what alcohol is. Yes, even Charlie Sheen.
8. It’s 3 a.m. and you’ll watch literally the first thing you see when you turn on the TV no matter how bad it is: Tanner Hall, the 2009 girls-school movie starring Academy Award winner Brie Larson and Academy Award nominee Rooney Mara that I have now seen at least three times. And if you can’t find that, All I Wanna Do, starring a Miss Kiki Dunst and a Miss Gaby Hoffmann should scratch your girls-school drunken itch.
9. The person you thought would text didn’t and then you saw them on Instagram at a bar a few blocks away, so now you’re a sad drunk but can’t afford to lose the water it would take to cry: Steel Magnolias. Either the TV version or the movie version will do, because either way I guarantee you’ll be asleep by the time the funerals roll around.
10. You have the spins and you need to watch something that will make you feel stable: Parks and Rec, Season 4, Episode 10, “Citizen Knope.” “Get on your feet! Get up and make it happen!” Let Leslie Knope and co. bring order back into your universe and your local government.
11. You didn’t come home alone: Escape From New York. Or any other movie starring 1980s Kurt Russell.
12. You’re actually Irish: The Quiet Man.