From the office of President Barack Obama
To the office of Senator Orrin Hatch (R-UT):
Hey, buddy. Hey, friend.
How’s it going? How are things? Things good? I hope things are good. I hope things are really, really good with you and your family and the nutritional supplement industry and EVERYTHING ELSE IN YOUR THIRD-FROM-THE-PRESIDENCY-BUT-AIN’T-NEVER-GOING-TO-SMELL-THE-DAMN-SEAT LIFE, ORRIN.
Hey, what was that you said last week?
Something about, say, a certain Supreme Court justice nomination?
I believe what you told Newsmax, which is a news source (maybe?), was: “The President told me several times he’s going to nominate a moderate … [Obama] could easily name Merrick Garland, who is a fine man … [But] he probably won’t do that because this appointment is about the election…”
WELL, GUESS WHAT, ORRIN. GUESS FUCKING WHAT. I’M NOMINATING YOUR PAL MERRICK GARLAND TO THE SUPREME MOTHERFUCKING COURT AND AIN’T SHIT YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT, FRIEND. I JUST INVITED YOU TO A STEAKHOUSE BUT IT’S A FRIDAY DURING LENT, EXCEPT THE STEAKHOUSE IS CALLED “A CENTRIST JURIST YOU ALREADY LIKE” AND LENT IS “YOUR FUCKING PARTY IS A BUNCH OF EELS IN AN UN-AIR-CONDITIONED SUBWAY CAR, SLAPPING EACH OTHER FOR ETERNITY."
See, Orrin, the American people want a nominee, and a hearing, but you won’t give it to them because…? Because why, Orrin? Because it’s a day ending in “y” and you need to get in my FUCKING WAY? Because you want a Republican president to get a crack at naming a SCOTUS justice? Oh, well, since DONALD FUCKING TRUMP is about to be your nominee (AND GOOD LUCK IF YOU TRY TO STOP HIM AT THE CONVENTION, FRIEND), I’m sure that’ll end JUST FINE. And if Hillary wins, well, I'm sure that'll go great for y— hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahaha, sorry, sorry. Was just imagining it in my head.
I put your fucking party on a RAFT with this nomination, Orrin, and I pushed you off the riverbank into the distance, and I’m waving and smiling and smoking a cigarette because I DON’T CARE ANYMORE, ORRIN. You want to play politics with ME? You think I’m going to just nominate the most liberal person I can find to the Supreme Court when your party is already being a WET BAG OF ANGRY CATS? No. No. I’m going to nominate the candidate who is going to make shit, like, seventh-grade dance level awkward for you, and I’m going to stand by and WATCH. IT’S BEEN A LONG EIGHT YEARS, ORRIN, AND I JUST WENT DOWN TO THE BASEMENT TO SEE IF I HAD ANY POLITICAL FUCKS LEFT TO GIVE, AND NO. NO, IT APPEARS I AM FRESH OUT.
PS "Orrin"? Funny name.