The People v. O.J. Simpson Morally Corrupt Rankings, Week 7: 'Conspiracy Theories'

"If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit"

The 10-part FX series American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson tells the fascinating tale of Nicole Brown Simpson’s real-life killing and the ensuing media frenzy around the murder trial of her famous ex-husband, O.J. Simpson. Once again, in honor of "the morally corrupt" Faye Resnick, let’s see what these hellhounds are up to — this time in Episode 7, "Conspiracy Theories" — and determine who’s the most morally bankrupt of them all.*

1. ROBERT SHAPIRO

The low-rent soap opera villainess of the Dream Team.

Suspect Behavior:

* Wears a huge-ass police solidarity pin so he won't piss off the LAPD, even if it might look bad for his defense against his client.

* Blackmails Rob Kardashian by insinuating that the garment bag he took home for O.J. might actually have the murder weapon in it, which, what kind of lawyering is this?! What if it really was in there — what then, Shapiro? Bob is increasingly petty when he really ought to be defending O.J. If you didn't know the outcome of the trial already, you'd think he would be the one who torpedoes it.

Last Week: 11

2. F. LEE BAILEY

The one actually pulling all the strings during this trial.

Suspect Behavior:

* Cooks up the scheme that gets the prosecution to have O.J. try on the leather gloves found at the scene of the crime. He accomplishes by taunting Chris Darden and whispering, "If you don't don't it, we will." Between this and the n-word last week, Bailey sure loves baiting black people!

Last Week: 5

3. JOHNNIE COCHRAN

He's slowly morphing into a DePalma-esque conspiracy theorist.

Suspect Behavior:

* The whole Dream Team is morally corrupt this week. Cochran isn't just in on the gloves scheme ("if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit," he famously said during the real-life trial), he's also exposed in the media as having abused his first wife. He starts suspecting that the prosecution or Bob might be behind it, but his wife coolly reminds him that when you put yourself on a pedestal, people love to knock you down a peg.

Last Week: 7

FX

4. CHRIS DARDEN

Chris's transformation into a Hotep is almost complete.

Good Deeds:

* Takes Marcia's uptight ass to get some drinks and shoot some pool with his crew.

Suspect Behavior:

* Ignores work social cues and tries to seduce her. Just have some drinks, bro — don't think that gets you an orgasm.

* Ignores Marcia's pleading to not ask O.J. to try on the gloves and does it anyway. This seems … like a fabrication. Who could actually do that in court? He's not even the lead attorney.

Last Week: 13

5. O.J. SIMPSON

The first signs that O.J. might actually be black show up this week.

Good Deeds:

* Is the only one who calls Bob Shapiro out on his shit this week — "Why you half-stepping?" Bob, hilariously, responds: "I don't know what that means."

Suspect Behavior:

* I'm not saying O.J. did something to make sure his hands wouldn't fit in the gloves, but I'm not not saying it, either.

Last Week: 6

6. GIL GARCETTI

The district attorney is really, really bad at this thing.

Good Deeds:

* Compliments Marcia on her hair!

Suspect Behavior:

* What the hell is going on with the prosecution this week? He might really need to step in after that train wreck.

Last Week: 9

7. ALAN DERSHOWITZ

The Jewish Annalise Keating.

Good Deeds:

* He's using the O.J. trial to teach students about law in Cambridge, which might seem lazy, but I bet the students appreciate getting to watch the trial in class.

Suspect Behavior:

* Faxes that insane "Colombian Necktie" defense to Johnnie, suggesting that Nicole was killed because Faye owed drug dealers money. That's some How to Get Away With Murder shit if I've ever seen it.

Last Week: N/A

8. THE MEDIA

Last week, it was Marcia; this week, the scandal is Johnnie Cochran.

Good Deeds:

* Exposing Johnnie as a perpetrator of domestic violence doesn't exactly make up for vilifying Marcia, but at least foul is fair.

Last Week: 1

9. ROB KARDASHIAN

He needs Kris Jenner in his life. She would never be blackmailed.

Suspect Behavior:

* Keeps the whole "maybe I took the murder weapon home" thing to himself, which could've fucked up the trial if Bob had decided to act on his blackmail scheme.

Last Week: N/A

FX

10. MARCIA CLARK

New hair, don't care.

Good Deeds:

* Kicks back and has a few drinks with some [whispers] black people.

* In a pretty baller sequence, explains to everyone how ridiculous it is to assume O.J. was framed, using shot glasses as stand-ins for people and evidence.

Suspect Behavior:

* Girl, you should've done a better job at stopping Darden from having O.J. try on those gloves.

Last Week: 12

11. AMERICA

America is drunker than usual this week.

Good Deeds:

* The crew in the bar is pretty nice to Marcia. Not everyone hates her!

Suspect Behavior:

* Even after hearing Marcia's explanation of how impossible it is that O.J. was framed by the police, they're still hilariously like, "Oh well! Maybe!"

Last Week: 3

12. A.C. COWLINGS

I still don't know her.

Suspect Behavior:

* The man who insisted he was as famous as O.J. when the police didn't recognize him during the Bronco chase is back, this time helping Rob maybe dispose of a murder weapon. There isn't one in the garment bag, so he doesn't really do anything that objectionable this week.

Last Week: N/A

13. DENISE SIMPSON

Nicole Brown's stressed-as-hell sister.

Good Deeds:

* Lets the police search the garage while also still having to pretend she doesn't hate O.J. as she babysits his children. She da real MVP.

Last Week: 14


VMAs 2017