AN EXPLANATION OF WHAT THE HELL ZAYN TWEETED ABOUT KIM KARDASHIAN

Some theories that might explain what is going on with Zayn

Despite my hopes and prayers that the Lincoln-Douglas debate over Kim Kardashian’s nude selfie would have ended last week, Zayn Malik decided to take a break from being in my dreams to throw some gasoline on the non-controversy non-fire.

First, some rules for a good subtweet: (1) You must be coherent; (2) Remember that the lack of an @ removes context and, therefore, you need to be concise as hell; (3) Maybe don’t wait till 300 weeks after the fact.

Zayn violated all of these rules. As a result, I honestly have no idea what the hell he is talking about. But before I try to decipher his demonic hieroglyphics, it’s important that we understand the context.

Kim posted a nude selfie.

Water is wet. Kim posting a selfie is like Donald Trump saying something racist; these are the fundamental truths of 2016. So the selfie really did not require the likes of Chloë Grace Moretz, Bette Midler, Pink, Jeremy Renner, and now Zayn to chime in. But here we are!

Theory: It was shade.

Zayn’s tweet was interpreted as shade by most of Twitter. Zayn himself said it wasn’t shade, along with today’s Reynold’s Pamphlet, BuzzFeed. The thing about good shade is that it’s an art form. Simply tweeting “read a book liberate your brain” is not shade; it just means you went to the Ayesha Curry Finishing School. This is such a low-grade attempt at shade that the only people who would call it that are people with “______ Threw Major Shade at ______” Mad Libs ready for articles on celebrity beefs.

If this was a dig at Kim, it was not only petty, but it was also dumb considering Zayn posed topless for Interview magazine just like Kim did, not to mention that he’s also releasing an album that features him prominently next-to-naked. Also, his girlfriend just stripped down for his music video, so that’d certainly be the thot calling the kettle black.

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