Despite my hopes and prayers that the Lincoln-Douglas debate over Kim Kardashian's nude selfie would have ended last week, Zayn Malik decided to take a break from being in my dreams to throw some gasoline on the non-controversy non-fire.
First, some rules for a good subtweet: (1) You must be coherent; (2) Remember that the lack of an @ removes context and, therefore, you need to be concise as hell; (3) Maybe don't wait till 300 weeks after the fact.
Zayn violated all of these rules. As a result, I honestly have no idea what the hell he is talking about. But before I try to decipher his demonic hieroglyphics, it’s important that we understand the context.
Kim posted a nude selfie.
Water is wet. Kim posting a selfie is like Donald Trump saying something racist; these are the fundamental truths of 2016. So the selfie really did not require the likes of Chloë Grace Moretz, Bette Midler, Pink, Jeremy Renner, and now Zayn to chime in. But here we are!
Theory: It was shade.
Zayn's tweet was interpreted as shade by most of Twitter. Zayn himself said it wasn’t shade, along with today’s Reynold’s Pamphlet, BuzzFeed. The thing about good shade is that it’s an art form. Simply tweeting "read a book liberate your brain" is not shade; it just means you went to the Ayesha Curry Finishing School. This is such a low-grade attempt at shade that the only people who would call it that are people with "______ Threw Major Shade at ______" Mad Libs ready for articles on celebrity beefs.
If this was a dig at Kim, it was not only petty, but it was also dumb considering Zayn posed topless for Interview magazine just like Kim did, not to mention that he’s also releasing an album that features him prominently next-to-naked. Also, his girlfriend just stripped down for his music video, so that'd certainly be the thot calling the kettle black.
Theory: It's pro-self-expression.
Zayn tried to clarify that it wasn't shade, that he was only telling us all to read a book and learn how to love everyone's self-expression. However, nothing about the wording in the original tweet supports this. At all. If that's what you were saying, your tweet would've looked like this:
You know, because someone telling others to read a book and liberate their brains should probably compose coherent tweets.
Theory: Being pretty is really tiring; Zayn just needs a nap.
Don't tweet when you're tired and need a nap, boo. It's hard being woke! Zayn loves women. All of his songs are about banging them. He would probably hate it if women put on clothes. Why would he tell people to read books instead of being naked? We could pretend he was shading Kim, but then we'd have to imagine Zayn reading books instead of lounging around shirtless. So let's just pretend Zayn actually did tweet some form of "love and light, stay in the positive, bitch" and go look at GIFs of him.