What with all the furor over "Sharknado" and "Pacific Rim" this week we very nearly forgot about trailers, but quickly came to our senses after seeing a few awesome ones. We're finally getting more into the Oscar level films and performances, although there's plenty of terribleness left in the world, too. If ever you're feeling too good about the state of cinema, just come on down to Power Rankings and get an eye-full of all that is terrible in film. Of course, we also have everything that's right with film too. It's a mixed bag, is what I'm getting at.
May I interest you in Kristen Bell in a bathing suit? No? Well, there's also Amanda Seyfried as '70s porn star Linda Lovelace. Yes, that might do nicely. January Jones as a murderous old West wench? Okay, I suppose. There's a real dud of an adventure story, starring some pretty big names who must have one heck of a mortgage. Oh, and there is also yet another terrible Chucky movie, as the movie gods looked down and saw a peaceful and happy land that needed a bit more Chucky infusion. Soon to be Oscar-nominated performances from a gritty tale of desperation and familial love, as well as the true and untold story of how "Mary Poppins" got made. Not as boring as it sounds, promise.
In any case, there's nothing as good as "Sharknado", but still we have the mixiest mixed bag waiting for you and your clicky finger to discover something truly great and truly awful. Get clickin'.
Dark, relentless, intoxicating -- why yes, it's a new gritty film starring Christian Bale! (Also Casey Affleck who just gets lovelier with age.) In the dank and depressed Rust Belt region, one man must save his brother from a life of crime before it's too late. This trailer is very loud, and I can't figure out why. Loud songs, just loud. It looks amazing though, seriously grody and this is exactly the kind of dark masterpiece that gets Oscar nominations. Christian Bale is determined to win, you can see it in his greasy hair and hollowed eye sockets.
Starring: Christian Bale, Zoe Saldana, Woody Harrelson
Release Date: December 6, 2013
When Walt Disney decided to bring Mary Poppins to life on the big screen, there was just one woman standing in his way -- the author, P.L. Travers. This charming movie explores the untold story behind the making of "Mary Poppins" and looks amazing. Disney fans will most likely love this, but not really sure exactly who this is for, otherwise. Kids probably won't want to see it. Heck, what do I know, I'm sure it'll make a billion dollars. It really does look interesting, just turns out that even though Disney promised her he'd take care of her characters, she still hated the end product. Hopefully they show that in the movie.
Starring: Emma Thompson, Ruth Wilson, Tom Hanks, Colin Farrell
Release Date: December 13, 2013
3.) 'The Lifeguard'
Kristen Bell can't seem to get her life together and moves back home to be a lifeguard for a summer and.. what was I saying? Sorry, I got distracted by the prospect of two hours of Kristen Bell in a bathing suit. This Sundance film explores the all-too-common quarterlife crisis and one woman's response to stress and disappointment, which is to regress back to the home and lifestyle of her teen years, while also starting an inappropriate relationship with a teenager. From the trailer alone, this looks great, an on-point and much needed exploration of the very modern feeling of failure, however early reviews from Sundance were very mixed. And when I say mixed, I mean bad.
Starring: Kristen Bell, Mamie Gummer, Martin Starr
Release Date: August 30, 2013
Oooooh! Another Sundance film, this time exploring the sexy world of porn star Linda Lovelace (Amanda Seyfried) and the making of the XXX film "Deep Throat", what a sexy time for everyone! Just kidding, this movie is a brutal look behind the scenes of a tortured young woman and her constantly abusive marriage, and probably as far from sexy as the other movie on here about the TWA crash. Though the trailer makes this one out to be a wild romp, "Lovelace" is actually pretty disappointing once you get past the initial thrills. Peter Sarsgaard can play all the creeps though, from "An Education" here on out.
Starring: Amanda Seyfried, Peter Sarsgaard, Juno Temple
Release Date: August 9, 2013
January Jones has resting b*tchface, and proves once and for all that she can't really act in this trailer for the Sundance film "Sweetwater". I guess as long as she chooses roles that require her to sourly stare at things we'll all be fine. Jason Isaacs plays a enigmatic and murderous cult leader, Ed Harris is the man tracking him down, and Jones is the only thing standing in the way of Isaacs' rampage. Not as good as it looks, but still a very, very decent Western with modern bloody sensibilities.
Starring: Ed Harris, January Jones, Jason Isaacs
Release Date: September 4, 2013
I just…whew. In this sequel to 1999's "The Best Man", best friends reconvene at Christmastime, over 15 years after they last saw one another, to spend time with one another, but rivalries and former romances make things more complicated than anticipated. While this may not be the funniest movie out there, there's something always enjoyable about sequels set more than a decade after the original that also have the same characters and actors. Also, Taye Diggs and Terrence Howard are both in this, so, eye candy galore. Maybe in another 10 years we'll get another one, just like the Richard Linklater saga.
Starring: Morris Chestnut, Terrence Howard, Sanaa Lathan
Release Date: November 15, 2013
7.) 'TWA Flight 800'
Do you think that the TWA Flight 800 crash was a huge conspiracy and there was an explosion that happened outside the plane? Then this is the film for you! Eyewitness testimony, discussions with experts and unique footage of the event make this documentary complete. My problem with it is that even if it's proved that there was some kind of outside force that destroyed the plane, what happens then? Is the FBI at fault? Ugh, documentaries need to come with plans for resolving the problems they depict.
Release Date: July 17, 2013
All the Sundance movies are getting dumped on us at the same time, some of them are very good and some of them are an absolute waste of space -- such as "Austenland". Man, I wanted this movie to be so, so good and it was such a rotten clunker I could barely believe it. A young woman obsessed with Jane Austen, and her book Pride and Prejudice, spends her life savings in order to attend an immersive Austen experience, but life in the Regency era isn't quite as charming as she'd hoped. Jennifer Coolidge is the only funny thing in this wacky story, and even then she's trying so hard. While there are a few enjoyable moments, the entire thing is so awkwardly paced and filmed that it sucks all the pleasure right out of it, and about halfway through the film you're just sitting there praying for death.
Starring: Keri Russell, JJ Feild, Jennifer Coolidge
Release Date: August 16, 2013
Other than missing the all important article, "The," at the beginning of the title, this looks like a run of the mill Chucky movie. Doll comes to life, terrorizes family. Only now what's terrifying is just how bad the CGI of its face looks. I somehow think something is lost when things like that get too advanced, there's something much scarier about a doll's face that's all indifferent or cheery. Anyway, the original filmmakers involved in "Child's Play" are back, so I guess that might mean something to someone?
Starring: Brad Dourif, A Martinez, Danielle Bisutti
Release Date: October 8, 2013
10.) 'Seventh Son'
I didn't believe this weird movie was a real movie, but it appears to be! A weird adventure story chock full of bad CGI and a story too tiring to even follow. Maybe it'll be good but mostly this dumb trailer just makes me sleepy. Plenty of swordplay and Julianne Moore as a scary monster could be kind of cool… but no. No, let's not pretend, you and I.
Starring: Julianne Moore, Jeff Bridges, Ben Barnes
Release Date: January 17, 2014
Come back next week for more power rankings!