Our spies managed to get their hands on a top-secret internal memo that went around all the boardrooms, executive offices and massage parlors of Tinseltown, outlining Hollywood's resolutions for the new year. Usually such things are a private matter, but we felt it was in the public interest to make Hollywood's goals known to the general moviegoing populace.
Hollywood's New Year's Resolutions
We, the creative forces of Hollywood, hereby resolve:
To make 3D glasses feel less obtrusive and awkward by releasing all movies in 3D, thereby forcing people to get used to it.
To stop wasting our resources producing remakes of '80s films and instead focus our efforts on producing fresh, original remakes of '90s films.
To let Channing Tatum enjoy at least a few months at the top before we make people so sick of seeing him that they turn against him.
To quit trying to make Taylor Kitsch happen. We're sorry. We don't know what we were thinking.
To keep letting Adam Sandler do whatever he wants. The man is a goldmine!
To rein in the ridiculous "awards season" competition by allowing studios and individuals to directly purchase Academy Awards.
To reboot the beloved but aging "Battleship" franchise.
To finally resolve the Dylan McDermott/Dermot Mulroney problem by making them fight to the death.
To stop pretending to take the Golden Globes seriously. This cruel prank against the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, where we act like their awards are legitimate while privately snickering at every mention of them, has gone on long enough.
To lose 20 pounds. ("20 pounds" is our nickname for the Olsen twins.)
To find a rating system that's more useful and effective than the current one. For example: letting people on the street choose letters and numbers at random.
To find something productive for Gerard Butler to do — answering phones, running errands, anything besides being in movies.
To continue our annual tradition of being astonished when a female-driven movie makes $100 million, pledging to make more such movies in the future, then forgetting all about it.
To allow the summer blockbuster season to start no earlier than March and end no later than September.
To reboot the beloved but aging George Clooney.
To do a better job of fighting piracy, by doing literally anything other than what we've been doing.