2012 Film Titles: A Dramatic Reading

And now, a playlet in which the dialogue is composed entirely of 2012 movie titles.

[A guy and his girlfriend are driving around in his car.]

GUY: On the road. Wanderlust! Where do we go now, amour?

GIRL: The best exotic marigold hotel?

GUY: [shaking his head] Safety not guaranteed. The innkeepers: lawless headhunters, beasts of the Southern wild.

GIRL: Moonrise Kingdom? Hotel Transylvania?

GUY: I wish! This is not a film.

GIRL: "Casa de mi padre."

GUY: The cabin in the woods?

GIRL: The house I live in. Safe house, silent house.

GUY: Safe?! No. Battleship! What to expect when you're expecting parental guidance: a thousand words. The guilt trip. Sleepless night. Sound of noise. The impossible hysteria!

GIRL: Hope springs...

GUY: The dictator -- the master -- the man with the iron fists won't back down! This means war.

GIRL: [scoffing] Think like a man, goon!

GUY: [relenting] Compliance. Brave act of valor for greater glory...

[They drive toward her neighborhood.]

On the RoadGIRL: 21 Jump Street.

GUY: This is 40...

GIRL: House at the end of the street.

GUY: Trouble with the curve... [stops] This must be the place.

[They see someone in the window of the house and squint to look closer.]

GIRL: Keep the lights on. The grey, dark shadows sparkle...

GUY: [gasps] Holy motors! The devil inside!

GIRL: The queen of Versailles??

GUY: My worst nightmare: your sister's sister!

GIRL: The woman in black?!

GUY: Sinister, haywire American animal!

GIRL: Hit and run!

[But before Guy can pull away from the curb, Girl's parents have spotted them and come outside.]

MOTHER: Thunderstruck! Big miracle!

FATHER: Lovely Molly!

MOTHER: Joyful noise! Unconditional good deeds!

[They get out of the car. Girl hugs her parents; Guy shakes their hands.]


GUY: Bernie.

FATHER: The five-year engagement...

GUY: Here comes the boom.

FATHER: Playing for keeps?

GUY: Save the date around June. A royal affair!

FATHER: The vow? That's my boy!

GIRL: [whispering] Man on a ledge...

GUY: [whispering] Little white lies. Killing them softly.

[They all go inside, where it turns out many of the Girl's other family members are gathered.]

GIRL: [introducing her boyfriend to everyone] The collection: Jack Reacher, John Carter, Alex Cross, Ruby Sparks, Magic Mike, Wreck-It Ralph, Killer Joe...

GUY: People like us? High school friends with kids?

GIRL: [under her breath] Seven psychopaths. Savages.

KILLER JOE: [shaking Guy's hand] Hello, I must be going. Project X contraband stolen. [confidentially] Kill list.

[He exits.]

GUY: The lucky one.

GIRL: [looking around] The other son? Jeff, who lives at home?

MOTHER: Gone chasing mavericks. Two days in New York, flight to Rome with love, salmon fishing in the Yemen!

FATHER: [rolling his eyes] Liberal arts.

MOTHER: The odd life of Timothy Green!

GUY: [gesturing at unmentioned young boy] The kid with a bike?

FATHER: The imposter.

MOTHER: The paperboy.

PAPERBOY: Chronicle!

FATHER: Shut up and play the hits, fun size! "Rock of Ages"!

[The Paperboy commences his duties as DJ for the family gathering, puts on some Def Leppard.]

FATHER: [satisfied] Pitch perfect!

[Girl's sister sidles up to Guy, clearly very drunk.]

GIRL'S SISTER: Searching for Sugar Man. Seeking a friend for the end of the world? Sleepwalk with me??

GUY: [seeking help] Darling companion! How to survive a plague?

GIRL'S SISTER: For a good time, call--

GIRL: Take this waltz, Anna Karenina.

GIRL'S SISTER: [as she leaves] Bully!

GIRL: [to Guy] Girl in progress. Smashed.

GUY: The perks of being a wallflower.

[Meteor falls from sky, hits Earth, kills all. The end.]