Ah, Thanksgiving. Family, food, football and film: the four bastions of American culture. But this year, when you're gathered around your Thanksgiving table getting ready to devour an oversize slice of apple or pumpkin pie, take a moment to consider the other uses you could put your pie to instead of simply eating it.
Like throwing it in somebody's face. Or crapping in it.
Or screwing it.
Yes, as much as we love pie, Hollywood loves doing really demented things with that pie even more. In order to give thanks for the obviously unbalanced weirdos making movies these days, here's our Thanksgiving look at the Top Ten Pie Scenes in Film.
Technically speaking, 1974's "Blazing Saddles" was a Western. Since Mel Brooks was more interested in comedy than adhering to the laws of the natural universe, he decided to end his movie with a very meta moment where his characters left their sound stage and began battling the casts of other films. The result? An immense pie fight on the MGM backlot, with characters from a dozen genres determining film supremacy one cream-filled delight at a time. If you're going to try and break through the fourth wall, it helps if that wall is made out of pie crust.
Almost forgotten by all but the most hardcore horror fans, 1973's "Theatre of Blood" was an ingenious showcase of Vincent Price's horror skills. Playing a classically trained actor done wrong by his critics, Price's thespian decides to kill them all, using scenes from Shakespeare's plays as inspiration. Taking a page from "Titus Andronicus," he bakes his enemy's pet poodle into a pie and then force-feeds it to him. Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but poodle, as it turns out, is best served hot with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on the side. Yum?
The premise of 1976's "Bugsy Malone" sounds borderline insane: Make a "Godfather"-sized epic about gangsters during the Prohibition era, except make it G-rated, with all the parts played by kids. Oh, and it should be a musical. Well, it may sound crazy, but it turned out to be a hit thanks in no small part to a gigantic pie fight that serve as the climax to the film. You just haven't lived until you've seen Tommy guns that fire gooey cupcakes. Here's a version with special dramatic music added:
Yes, you read that right, "Dawn of the Dead." Back in 1978, George A. Romero launched a cult franchise that continues to this day with his first zombie epic, "Night of the Living Dead." But since these were the old fashioned, shuffling, slow, stupid zombies, they weren't necessarily all the scary, something that Romero himself pointed out by having the living use the walking dead as target practice in a crazy pie-fight sequence. Zombies + pies is a formula for entertainment that just cannot be beaten.
2007's "My Blueberry Nights" is pretty much all about the healing power of pie, so picking just one scene is a little difficult. Still, there's one clear stand-out: the final scene, where Norah Jones buys a slice of pie from Jude Law, gobbles it down, overdoes it and passes out face down in her pie. Then Jude starts making out with her unconscious body while the pie gets splattered everywhere by their blueberry-tinged tongue wrestling. Try this in real life and you'll get arrested, but do it in a movie and it becomes one of the most romantic scenes in recent memory. Apparently.
When it comes to epic, large scale pie fights, nothing comes close to the grandaddy of them all, 1965's "The Great Race." In fact, the film was even marketed as including the greatest pie fight of all time, and for once, Hollywood's hype machine wasn't kidding. Attempting to top Charlie Chan's 3,000 pie free-for-all in 1927's "The Battle of the Century," "The Great Race" used over 4,000 pies at a cost of over $18,000 just for the pastry alone. The result was, well, a giant effing pie fight. Mission accomplished.
Another film centered around pie, 2007's "Waitress" stars Keri Russell as, well, a waitress. A waitress who is really excellent at making pies, to the point where she pins her life's dreams on winning a lucrative pie-making contest. Picking the best pie-related moment from a movie chock full of them is no easy feat, but we enjoy the scene where she ends her affair with a local doctor by giving him a moon pie. If only all breakups were so sweet. Anyway, here's the delectable, pie-filled trailer:
3. 'The Help'
Throughout the long and prestigious history of the Academy Awards, actors have won Oscars for playing all sorts of strange and offbeat roles. Earlier this year, Octavia Spencer had the distinct honor of being the first Best Actress winner ever so honored due to her expert and moving rendition of taking a dump in a pie. We've heard of sh*t-eating grins before, but never has it been portrayed as well as this.
Who ever would have guessed back in 1999 that an entire film franchise would be launched thanks to a dude banging a pie? But that's exactly what happened in "American Pie" when Jason Biggs took a little pie-related hyperbol too literally and ended up sticking his junk in a perfectly fine apple pie. Look, we get it. We love pie too. But take it from us, pie is designed for eating, not for conjugal visits. From the unrated version:
It may seem a little perverse to put a scene about throwing up pie at the top of our pie chart. After all, as wonderful as pie is, it doesn't taste nearly as good coming up as it does going down. But sometimes you just can't keep a good pie down, which is exactly what happens in 1986's "Stand By Me" in what has to be the most infamous, if not the most famous, pie scene ever filmed. Some friendly advice: Do not watch on a full stomach. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!