Last year's wedding hit "Bridesmaids" was informative -- we immediately scratched our future plans to plan bachelorette parties at sketchy Brazilian restaurant before dress fittings -- but if you really want the harsh truth about weddings, "Bachelorette" is your film. The darkly comic movie (starring Kirsten Dunst, Isla Fisher and Lizzy Caplan as bridesmaids-from-hell) uncovers the sordid underbelly of the modern marriage ritual. So lock up your wedding dress and check out these fun "facts!"
The Bride Takes It All
ABBA had it almost right. In the minds of single bridesmaids, when it comes to the weddings: The first to get married “takes it all” while the losers -- er, the bridesmaids -- “stand small. And snort coke . And get s**t-faced ... as they lament all the reasons it should be them on that altar. Beware your BFFs. According to "Bachelorette," they might secretly hate the happiest day of your life.
Ready To Give Away Their Roses
A single gal in such at a low moment in her life is also likely to lower her standards for sex partners ... including a stranger sitting next to her on an airplane. Just know that your bridesmaids might show up to the wedding a little energy-depleted.
Groomsmen To the Rescue
Fortunately, most bridesmaids don’t have to wallow in their singleness long, as there is usually a long-lost love or overlooked high school admirer amongst the groomsmen, ready to sweep them off their feet, or at the very least, knock boots with them in a bathroom.
Slam-dunking the Wedding Speech
While including a humorous, slightly embarrassing anecdote about the bride or groom is fine fodder for a wedding speech, there are some things that should and shouldn’t be said. Reminiscing about the groom peeing himself at an amusement park as a child — acceptable. Recalling the bulimic bride puking her guts out in the high school john — not acceptable. Making a sloshed speech about your missing cellphone — not exactly offensive, but not a good idea either. Maybe save the champagne for after the speeches? Your bridal party can toast just as well with soda.
Step Up 5: The Rehearsal Dinner
If you’re not good at speeches or eloquent toasts, grab a buddy and express your best wishes for the bride and groom through a funky Cheri Oteri and Will Ferrell-style dance rap. Nothing could be more moving …
It’s fine to chuckle about it amongst your selves, but sharing the bride’s not-so-flattering childhood nickname with the bachelorette party stripper isn’t cool. A sexy, shirtless cop yelling "C'mon, Pig Face" kinda ruins the mood.
Hide the Wedding Dress
If you’re a bride, hide your wedding dress. Lock it away, hire a body guard or do whatever you must to make sure your wasted, coked-out, borderline-suicidal bridesmaids don’t get their paws on it ... and drag it through the city in an epic adventure of tears and stains. A rip might be repaired in time, but blood and other bodily fluids are pretty tough to remove.
OK, upon reflection, if your wedding resembles "Bachelorette" at all ... you might consider eloping.