RECAP: Extremely Calm and Incredibly Dull

The Real Housewives of Atlanta must have been awfully tired this week, perhaps worn out from all the  hell-raising during previous episodes. There was no weave-pulling, no screaming matches that required subtitles, no strippers or explicit sex talks.

We're not accustomed to watching an episode  of RHOA during which nobody rips off someone else's face. If you missed out, we're happy to fill you in on the civilized haps and save you the trouble of watching on DVR, because there was nothing this week that you really need to see for yourself.

Phaedra Parks threw an elaborate, yet dull, birthday party for her baby, Ayden. Sheree Whitfield got all up in her future son-in-law's business;  Kandi Burruss took her country music songwriting a step further in Nashville; Cynthia Bailey and her sister, blah, blah, blah; and NeNe Leakes isn't ready to let go of her estranged husband quite yet; Kim Zolciak and Kandi kissed and made up.

Let's hope the ladies show us a little March Madness next week!

PHAEDRA (78)

-- Phaedra's hubby, Apollo, has a speaking gig to discuss his checkered past, and how to help young men stay on the right path. It's all fine and good until he starts reading and practicing his speech IN THE CAR, WHILE HE IS DRIVING. The car is in motion, and he's looking down, reading his speech (-5)

-- Phaedra goes down to support him, and says his chat is going "pretty good, but he doesn't share my gift of gab." (-3)

-- In true Phaedra style, she throws a completely over-the-top birthday party for Ayden, who is turning one. It's at a water park, two hours away from the city. We love that she goes all out for her kid (+2), but a child that small can't even do anything besides wade with an adult -- they could have done that at a pool in Atlanta (-2)

--  Also, there are 12 cakes -- one for each month of his life. "I only chose the best bakeries in Atlanta," Phaedra says. Because everyone knows that babies have extremely discerning palates when it comes to frosted treats (+2)

Net gain/loss:-6

Current total: 72

SHEREE (22)

-- Sheree goes to visit her daughter, who tells her, "Well, don't you look glamorous today?" Sheree responds, "I look glamorous every day." What happened to 'thank you?' (-3)

-- Daughter Tierra tells Sheree about her great new job, then says she has some other news. The look on Sheree's face is one of complete terror and constipation (-2)

-- Tierra tells Sheree that her longtime boyfriend, Damon -- who is, by all counts, a nice, loyal guy -- is likely to propose soon. Instead of offering happy and encouraging thoughts, Sheree tells Tierra A) He needs to ask me first; B) You need to have your own stash of money; and C) Marriage changes -- wait, RUINS -- everything. Congrats, Tierra! You're on your way to wedded hell! (-5)

-- Sheree calls Damon to meet up for lunch, and Damon tells her that he asked for the marriage blessing from her ex, Bob, instead of her. She's pissed, but continues to insert herself into his whole proposal process, by insisting she help pick out the ring. With Sheree at the helm, I hope Damon is ready to file for bankruptcy! (-4)

Net gain/loss: -14

Current total: 8

KANDI (87)

-- Visits Kim and is able to discuss what Kandi allegedly said about Kim in Africa. Without Sheree there to butt in and offer up false information, the two are able to make up and move forward with their friendship(+2)

-- Kandi goes to Nashville to visit Jo Dee Messina's recording studio to hear her sing her new tune, and the two wind up singing live together at an intimate songwriters' powwwow. Kandi feels she's achieved a life goal by breaking into the country music scene (+3)

Net gain/loss: +5

Current total: 92

NENE (21)

-- It's been a year since NeNe first saw her divorce lawyer, and she still isn't sure if she wants to go through with it. Translation: She wants to string Gregg along and be with him when she needs him (-4)

-- NeNe tells a therapist: "Love isn't everything to me. My happiness is everything to me. ... I want to know he's there when I need him, and I want to call him when I need advice." She wants to be friends with bennies, with a dude she's been with forever and a day (-4)

Net gain/loss: -8

Current total: 13

MARLO (17)

-- Marlo goes to see Lawrence and admits that she used slur in Africa and to apologize (+2). After the half-hearted apology, she must skedaddle because Neiman Marcus is staying open late so she can shop there. Meanwhile, the rest of us poor schlubs have to get to Target before the close at 9, or we're SOL (+2)

Net gain/loss: +2

Current total: 19

CYNTHIA (9)

-- Cynthia is tired of her sister and that fact that she can't seem to butt out of her marriage. We're thinking there's an awful lot of footage we're not seeing from Bravo, because all we ever see from Mal is her reaction to Peter's crappy treatment of her. But maybe it's the other way around??? (-3)

-- Mal stops by Cynthia's job before she leaves for Europe. She apologizes to Cynthia, who still gives her the cold shoulder. In confessional, Cynthia calls her a hater (-2)

Net gain/loss: -5

Current total: 4

KIM (131)

-- Kim and Kandi work on repairing their fractured friendship, which is remarkably easy when Sheree isn't around (+2)

Net gain/loss: +2

Current total: 133

SCORECARD

Kim: 133

Kandi: 92

Phaedra: 72

Marlo: 19

NeNe: 13

Sheree: 8

Cynthia: 4