RECAP: Gretchen and Slade Butcher Comedy

The only thing more embarrassing than watching Gretchen Rossi and her slimy boyfriend, Slade Smiley, try to perform comedy on last night's The Real Housewives of Orange County, was when Slade announced he planned to take his act on tour.

I mean, seriously. Even after Slade's OWN MOTHER told him to rethink his plans in stand-up, he went ahead with his performance -- which largely focused on disparaging Gretchen's cast mates -- and it largely fell flat with the audience. (Well, except Alexis Bellino, who we all know has no taste.) Vicki Gunvalson's resemblance to Miss Piggy was a focal point of his routine, as was an incredibly unflattering bikini picture of Tamra Barney that ran in gossip mags.

Since Gretchen is trying to repair her relationships with the ladies of the show, Slade's insults will come back to haunt her, making for drama that will surely drag out the rest of the season.

But in the short-term, we are totally stoked for next week's episode, during which the group apparently is throwing an 80s party. Crimped hair, mullets AND fighting? We wish there was a fast-forward button to life so we could watch it right now.

GRETCHEN (82)

-- Slade is preparing for his first stand-up comedy show and tests out his jokes -- which include how to get "naked wasted" and a simulation of him pulling his Johnson out of his pants -- on his mother. She says, "The dogs are really more entertaining at this point than you are." (-4)

-- He tells mom that he wants to take his comedy show on tour. She goes, "So you have to be good at what you're doing then?" Hahahahaha. Slade's mom rules (-3)

-- Slade tells mom he's considering proposing to Gretchen. She offers a quick disclaimer -- "of course, she's a lovely young woman" -- but then discourages him. Gretchen may not realize Slade's mom is doing her a total favor here (+3)

-- Gretchen comes home later and discovers the mean, gossipy items about the other Housewives that Slade plans to use in his comedy routine. Since she's trying to make up with everyone, she doesn't want him to do it. "They're in the press and I'm going to talk about it. That's what comedians do," he says. Dude! You're NOT a comedian! (-5)

-- On the marquee at the Improv, Gretchen is actually the headliner. Sheesh! Must be a slow night at the comedy club (+2)

-- Gretchen is the first one out, and her jokes fail miserably -- until she resorts to stripping down to a sparkly bikini. "If all else fails, get naked," she says. Man, I hope she never has a daughter (-3)

-- Immediately after, a real comedian comes out on stage and says, "what the f*** was THAT?" Backstage, another comic comes up to Gretchen and says, "Remember, you have to set up your jokes." Gretchen replies, "So it wasn't funny?" Slade responds, "It's over with now, who cares?" Everything comes in threes -- even criticism (-6)

-- Gretchen introduces Slade to the audience as her 'boy toy.' He emerges wearing a "Housewife Hunter" t-shirt. How sad that this man's claim to fame is courting G-list celebrities (-3)

-- He performs his routine to an unresponsive crowd, all the while insulting Vicki and Tamra. The only person who looks more horrified than his mom is Gretchen, who will have to suffer the brunt of his verbal spewing later (-5)

-- Heather, who boasts "stand-up comedian" as one of her past jobs, rates the couple's skills on scale of 1-10. Gretchen gets a 4; Slade gets a 3 (-4)

-- On the way home, Gretchen lets Slade have it, angry that he resorted to petty insults as comedy. He argues that what comes around goes around, and now that he's got "a platform," he's going to use it, no matter how it affects Gretchen's relationship with the others (-3)

Net gain/loss: -28

Current total: 54

VICKI (88)

-- Tamra arrives at Vicki's and they make breakfast together. It doesn't take long for Vicki to address the Tamra-Gretchen-bestie situation: "What's up with you and Gretchen, chummy chummy chummy chummy chummy?" Yep, she's totes jelly (-3)

-- Vicki keeps taking digs at the Tamra's new friendship, while Tamra makes a few snide remarks about Vicki and Alexis, who are also now getting along after previously going head-to-head with one another. Apparently, there is no chapter on allowing your friends to forgive and forget in the O.C. Housewife manual (-2)

-- Tamra comes bearing gifts, and hands Vicki a bunch of items (including some lotions and "nipple nibbler" from her friend's sex shop). Vicki is horrified, calling it pornographic, not Biblical." So, hopping into another bed and relationship while you're still married to your husband IS Biblical? Did I miss a new version of the Bible coming out? (-4)

-- Meets her daughter, Briana, who moved out of the house when she found out that Vicki and Don were divorcing. While Don isn't her bio dad, he raised Briana and she's still upset at their parting ways (-2)

-- When Vicki mentions she is getting over a cold sore, Briana takes the opportunity to point out (a half dozen times) that a cold sore, is, in fact, herpes. Vicks tries to blow it off, but you can tell she's embarrassed (-3)

-- Vicki turns around and starts scolding Briana for being attracted to guys that have tattoos. If that's Vicki's biggest concern about who Briana's dates, she should be thanking her lucky stars. It's a rough, rough world out there for young women (-3)

-- After three years of being ill with tumors, Briana is preparing to have her thyroid removed. Even though Briana is opening up, Vicki refuses to discuss the possibility that it might be cancer. We understand how awful that thought must be, but if your daughter wants to talk about this, then let her (-4)

Net gain/loss: -21

Current total: 67

TAMRA (57)

-- At Vicki's, Vicki tells Tamra she's been brown-nosing Gretchen. When Tamra gives Vicki some sex items to use with her new love, Vicki is repulsed. Heck, maybe Tam is better suited to be pals with Gretchen after all (-2)

-- Eddie wants Tamra to move in with him when her lease is up. He says he sees them moving forward as a couple, and that he eventually wants to marry her (+3)

-- They go to a fondue restaurant, but Tamra wants nothing to do with cheese. She orders a plain ol' chicken breast. Man, she's a dream to eat with -- she leaves all the good stuff for everyone else! (+1)

-- Tamra tells Eddie she's not sure about moving in with him because she doesn't want to become a housewife again and live off his income. Uh, nobody said you couldn't get a job, toots! (-3)

-- Eddie is kind of a tool in a lot of ways, but he says supports her and her wishes 100 percent. Honestly, she got pretty lucky with this guy, especially compared to her ex, Simon (+5)

Net gain/loss: +4

Current total: 61

ALEXIS (81)

-- At lunch, Heather is stunned to learn that Alexis has anything to do with television reporting. "She doesn't really seem that cerebral to me," Heather says. Wait 'til she gets a load of Alexis' groundbreaking interview with Dr. Booty! (-2)

-- Heather remarks that Alexis tries to act straight, but also seems to have a "saucy side." That is probably the biggest (unintentional) compliment Alexis has even been paid (+3)

-- Alexis thinks Gretchen and Slade are hilarious and says, "I laughed the whole time!" Meanwhile, Alexis pretends she doesn't "get" the racier, funnier jokes other comedians used. She says, "I tell jokes like, 'why did the chicken cross the road?'" Why did a thousand dumb blonde jokes suddenly come to mind? (-3)

Net gain/loss: -2

Current total: 79

HEATHER (109)

-- Heather and Alexis meet for lunch in a scene that Bravo clearly initiated, since the whole thing seemed completely awkward and forced (-2)

-- Alexis tries to say they have a little bit in common, but hoity-toity Heather disagrees, telling confessional, yeah, "we both have twins and we're both ... women." (-1)

-- Heather and her husband see that Gretchen and Slade are performing a comedy show, so they go to show their support. Afterward, they are likely depressed that they wasted a date night subjecting themselves to something so unfunny (-3)

-- When Gretchen asks how she did, Heather stalls, but her husband says, "Oh the bikini was great!" That's pretty much all Gretchen wanted to hear, so Mr. Heather spares his wife having to be more honest (+3)

Net gain/loss: -3

Current total: 106

SCORECARD:

Heather: 106

Alexis: 79

Vicki: 67

Tamra: 61

Gretchen: 54