RECAP: Deena and The Situation to Be In-Laws?

Another Thursday night viewing of Jersey Shore, another Friday morning with a stupidity hangover.

However, our psyche is in slightly better shape than usual this week, mostly because we only had to endure bleeped out words, not any fuzzed out genitals. (There IS a God, and he cares about us Jersey Shore fans!)

This week, Snooki told us something we never knew about Arkansas; Deena demonstrated her vast knowledge of animals and cliches; Vinny gave us some great ideas for our next game of hide and seek; Pauly got a new stalker and Jenni sulked some more over not being able to see Roger. And, some things never change: The Situation wallowed in self-pity and devious plans, while Ronnie and Sammi might as well go on an extended trip for as often as we actually see them.


-- Wakes up Mike to see if he wants to go out and he blows her off (-2)

-- After a night at the bar, Snooki walks home by herself, swerving all over the boardwalk, talking to herself and hiccuping. So, same stuff, different day (-4)

-- She arrives home and says to herself, "I've never been this drunk in my life." Really? We beg to differ because we haven't seen your vagina all night (-3)

-- Hungover the next day, Snooki wishes she lived elsewhere. "In Arkansas, it's always dark outside. It's always dark, always." Right. Or in Alaska certain times of year. But we can see how she'd get those confused, being that they're so close and all (-6)

-- "Something is going on in my stomach and is telling me to poop or throw up." What a coincidence! We get that feeling every Thursday night around 10 p.m. (-3)

-- Snooki passes out in the smush room, spooning a broom on the bare mattress -- right after pointing out a huge stain on said mattress. Please see above entry (-5)

-- At work, Snooki complains that it's roasting outside yet insists on wearing furry, abominable snowman Uggs that are more appropriate for (you guessed it!) Alaska (-3)

-- She and Deena blow off their work shift not once, but twice, to go to the bar. They say Facebook posts can ruin your chances at getting a job, but if Snooki ever needs to work later in life? Man, she is screwed (-3)

-- After a grueling day of blowing off work, Snooki and Deena go home and get ready, and are the only people in the house willing to go out with The Situation. They actually have a good time together, until next week, when Mike will inevitably throw another mantrum (+2)

Net gain/loss: -27

Current total: 28

DEENA (70)

-- So, apparently, Deena's sister went out with, and slept with, Mike's brother. Gross (-2)

-- The Situation is saying something graphic and sexual about Deena's sister, but there are so many bleeps I can't tell what he's revealing about her. On a second viewing, I figured it out, but it is not appropriate for print. (And if they can't say it on Jersey Shore, we certainly aren't going to bust it out here.) (-5)

-- At the bar, Deena helps keep a mediocre looking-but-DTF girl on the hook for Vinny just in case he can't get the lesbian he likes to sleep with him later (+3)

-- Although the lesbian walks home with the group, Deena still brings home the busted chick, just in case. It's a good thing, too, because that's who Vinny winds up laying later on (+2)

-- While at work with Snooki, Deena and her roll out to the bar in the middle of a shift. After the boss comes and drags them back to work -- "Danny is being such an annoying!" she says -- they leave again to go drinking with a bachelorette party. How can I get a job like that? (-5)

-- She later calls Danny to apologize because she doesn't want to get fired. "I'd be stupid to screw up that job." (+3)

-- At dinner, the group talks about Deena's sister and Mike's brother. They start getting graphic (-2) and she immediately puts them in their place (+4)

-- Although The Situation is making jokes about he and Deena being future in-laws, Deena says she doesn't trust Mike because "a leopard never sheds its stripes." Dude, even my preschooler knows a leopard has spots. Good grief (-4)

Net gain/loss: -6

Current total: 64

VINNY (116)

-- At the club, Vinny meets a girl who seems instantly smitten with him. But apparently, beggars CAN be choosers. "I know Deanna is a sure thing, but she's like a 5 or 6. During the weekend, you're looking for a 7 or 8." Keep drinkin', man. She'll be a 7 in no time... (-3)

-- Vinny spots, drinks and flirts with another girl, Nikki, who is considerably hotter. After working on her for a while, she tells him she's a lesbian (-4)

-- He still arrogantly thinks he'll be able to get Nikki to succumb to his charms: "When you take a lesbian back to the straight team, it's like Christopher Columbus discovering America." Why do men always think they can get lesbians to change teams? (-2)

-- Luckily, his No. 1 wingwoman Deena has brought home Deanna, just in case the whole lesbian thing didn't work out, so Vinny still winds up getting laid when Nikki leaves (+3)

-- The next day, he calls the experience with Deanna "an average girl, an average smush, but it released some demons." Or is that semen? Whatever works, I guess (+2)

-- On Pauly's newest stalker: "We think he stuck a GPS unit in (Pauly's) blowout and that's how he knows where he is all the time." (+4)

-- Vinny sees Roger at the gym and takes his side when it comes to the friction between him and Jenni. Vinny swears Roger is a nice guy who can be trusted (+1)

-- A home, Vinny tells Jenni a sugar-coated version of what Roger said (+1)

Net gain/loss: +2

Current total: 118


-- From the "stories that will never end" file, The Situation calls his friend, The Unit, and wants him to come mess with Snooki. Unfortunately for him, Unit and his big mouth are in in Miami (-2)

-- Mike spends much of his time this episode sleeping, but when he does wake up, he's mad that everyone went out without him (-2)

-- As he's in mid "poor-me" mode, Snooki and Deena come home to change and they all go out together (+4)

-- When he talks to Unit, he finds out that his older brother and Deena's older sister went out (and had sex). He later calls Unit to find out how the second date went. We're kind of wondering why he's calling an outside party instead of his own brother. (-3)

-- When Deena's sister calls the house, Mike encourages her toward his bro. He tells cameras he wants the relationship to continue so he can get more dirt to throw in Deena's face. Man, those leopards never change their stripes!! (-4)

Net gain/loss: -7

Current total: 97

PAULY D (98)

-- Brings home another random from the bar to have sex with him. We haven't been keeping track, but we're pretty sure Pauly has gotten laid more times this season than any of the people in the house who actually have significant others (+4)

-- Pauly has a new stalker this season -- a girl who wears an airbrushed "Pauly D" trucker hat and a yellow shirt that says "cabs." She is on the scene when he's at work, hanging at the boardwalk,  at the bar -- pretty much everywhere but his own house (-5)

-- During an evening of pranks, Vinny calls the stalker over and introduces her to Pauly, then bails (-3)

Net gain/loss: -4

Current total: 94

J-WOWW (98)

-- J-Woww is sulking because she misses Roger. At the bar, she dances like a zombie then goes home early (-2)

-- When she finally gets Roger on the phone, she greets him with "Where the hell have you been?!" Roger claims he lost his phone, and because of that, called in sick to work. She gets mad because he never calls in sick for her, but he will for his phone (-3)

-- When they plan a date, Roger gets stuck at work. He calls to tell her he'll be late and she goes off on him, then hangs up (-2)

-- Roger sees the guys at the gym and tells them he's sick of J-Woww's drama, that he won't call and kiss her ass (-3)

-- She ends up calling him to apologize, but he takes the opportunity to get in his two cents about the situation. Compared to Ronnie and Sammi's old fights, however, this one is boring us to the core (-2)

Net gain/loss: -14

Current total: 84


-- Tells Deena to go apologize to Danny for being the crappiest employee on Earth. Turns out Neanderthals DO have tiny brains in there after all (+2)

-- Ronnie brings home a bean bag game for the roof. Interesting side note: This game is called "cornhole" certain parts of the south, and after living in Kentucky for seven years, we will never think of it as the bean bag game again (+2)

Net gain/loss: +4

Current total:  98

SAMMI (97)

-- Is Sammi even on this show anymore? (-2)

Net gain/loss: -2

Current total: 95


Vinny: 118

Ronnie: 98

The Situation: 97

Sammi: 95

Pauly D: 94

J-Woww: 84

Deena: 64

Snooki: 28