If it's true that blondes have more fun, then we feel realllly sorry for Heather Dubrow, the newest cast member and sole brunette on The Real Housewives of Orange County, which launched its seventh season last night.
Heather made her first appearance as she perused land on which to build a new family palace with real estate agent Tamra Barney. Tamra immediately invited her to coffee and to a party at Vicki's, where no fun is likely to be had since everyone will end up arguing.
Only time will tell how Heather fits into the group long term, but she's already standing out from the pack by A) embracing her natural hair color; B) not having seasons of previous jackassery haunting her; and C) being filthy rich, the kind of rich that the other Housewives used to be before most of them moved into smaller digs over the years.
Speaking of downsizing, we caught up with Vicki Gunvalson as she was trying to sell her house because of her impending divorce from Don. Vicki was also "woo hooing" over her new relationship with some dude named Brooks from Mississippi, and planning one last party in her ginormous estate before it sells. (A party which will commence, in all its drama and glory, during next week's episode.)
Alexis Bellino and her family recently moved and she is enjoying her new job as a "journalist" -- and yes, those quote marks are there for a reason. Her friction with past OC Housewife and former friend Peggy Tanous continued, since it came out that Peggy secretly dated Alexis' hubby almost two decades ago, when both of them were single.
And yes, Gretchen Rossi was still with Slade Smiley (retch!).
On with our countdown! As always, each wife begins the season with 100 points, scoring or losing points each week based on things they do or that happens to them.
Now, if you'll excuse us, we have to go bleach our hair blonde and apply 10 pounds of smoky eye makeup for our outing to the Botox center.
-- Vicki, who is divorcing hubby Don, is selling her sprawling house because A) it's too big for her and her son; and B) she can't afford it without Don's income (-2)
-- Vicki has a new boyfriend -- a guy from Mississippi named Brooks -- but she is still married to, and living with, Don. "I am totally at peace with my choices." (-4)
-- She claims that, because Don spends his weekends at the river and she travels a lot, she hasn't seen him in two months. Why the divorce? Sounds like a marriage made in heaven to me (-3)
-- Vicki has never invited Brooks over to the house because she thinks it would be disrespectful to Don. Well, at least she draws the line somewhere (+3)
-- Vicki tells Tamra that Don is trying to get spousal support, which will "hurt me financially and emotionally." Personally, we kinda sorta thinks he deserves it after what he endured over the past several seasons (-2)
-- Vicki also tells Tamra that Don has a younger girlfriend. Woo hoo! (+2)
-- Tamra tries to get Vicki to open up about her sex life with her new, younger man. Vicki is as horrified as if Tamra suggested she take a week off of work... and we could not be more thankful that she keeps the details mum (+5)
-- Vicki is planning one last party at her house before she sells it. When pondering her potential guest list, she decides to invite pretty much everyone, whether they get along or not. She later says she wants to have a "peaceful, fluffy night with no drama." Hey, I have an idea! Let's take a bunch of open wounds, pour in some salt and red wine, and see what happens! (-5)
-- In honor of her new southern boyfriend, she's planning a Cajun-themed affair (yum!), and guaranteed she'll have tons of leftovers because nobody will actually eat (+4)
Net gain/loss: -2
Current total: 98
-- At lunch with former nemesis Gretchen, Tamra says she likes Gretchen, but in the past has been influenced by what other people were saying. Except wasn't Tamra the person who was worst to Gretchen? She kinda seemed like the Hater Ringleader to us... (-3)
-- Tamra apologizes for being an ass and busts out a gift: A pink beaded bracelet with a dangling key charm. "We can use the key to lock up our past and put it behind us, or use it to open our future and be friends." How about if I use it to gouge out my eardrums so I don't have to listen to this bad Hallmark card sentiment anymore? (-4)
-- Tamra doesn't tell Vicki she and Gretchen are becoming chummy because she doesn't want to endure Vicki's ire about it. It's always nice when you can be truthful with your closest friends, isn't it? (-3)
-- Is still not divorced with Simon because they are quibbling over things like patio furniture. Does anyone on a reality show actually complete a divorce before openly sleeping with new mates on camera? Sheesh (-4)
-- Tamra tries to get Vicki to open up about her sex life with her new dude. Listen, sister, just because you have hot tub sex on TV doesn't mean everyone is an over-sharer (-1)
-- Is set up with Meets new Housewife Heather under the guise of showing her real estate, then starts including her in the blondtourage events (+1)
-- When prepping Heather to meet the others, she says Vicki is "like a sister," she and Gretchen have had a "rocky friendship," stays mum on Peggy; and says she'll let Heather make her own judgment on Alexis (+2)
-- Tamra predicts that Alexis and Heather won't mesh. "Heather is everything Alexis wants to be, but isn't." Yep, that's usually a recipe for disaster with this group (+2)
-- Gets together with Peggy before Vicki's soiree to drink wine and to dish about Peggy's 15-years-ago relationship with Alexis' hubby -- a fact unleashed at the reunion show, and the reason that Peggy and Alexis are no longer friends. Nothing like filling your friend with alcohol and awkward feelings to get her ready for a party! (-2)
Net gain/loss: -13
Current total: 87
-- Gretchen gets ready to go to lunch with Tamra and is wearing a lingerie style dress, over the knee boots and a white (Members Only?) jacket, a flower in her hair and a huge pastel pink satchel. I am confused by the fashion statement she is trying to make (-3)
-- Slade is upset about the lunch date because Tamra has talked smack about him in the past. Um, if that's his criteria for being upset, he must have his feathers ruffled all day, every day (-3)
-- Gretchen and Tamra have a lame little exchange where they decide bury the hatchet and be friends. Tamra has a gift for Gretchen, who gets teary-eyed when she receives the trinket, thinking "Yay! One more totally disjointed thing to add to my outfit!" (+3)
-- They order food and nobody eats, then toast with two empty drinks. And another successful southern California meal comes to a close (-4)
-- In a totally contrived scene, Gretchen meets with Alexis before Vicki's party and they discuss the possibility of Peggy being there. Gretchen receives her first piece of Alexis Couture and hugs it to her chest like a long, lost child (+2)
Net gain/loss: -5
Current total: 95
-- Since last season, Alexis has moved into a new house, claims her fashion line is successful, and has become a health and beauty consultant for a San Diego TV station (+3)
-- With her personal assistant standing right there, Alexis talks about how hard it is to do her TV job one day a week on Friday mornings. I have to get lunches ready, snacks ready, get myself glam and drive to San Diego. Um... so the same thing that most working moms have to do five days a week, without help? Man, that's a tough life Alexis (-5)
-- Oh, and did we mention that her assistant actually does the driving to San Diego? It must be nice (+2)
-- Once in the car, Alexis wants to make sure her kids get up in time for school, so she calls her husband's phone and doesn't get an answer. Her assistant suggests she calls the house phone. Alexis tries, then realizes she doesn't have their current home phone number. Seriously? (-3)
-- At work, she is charged with doing a hard-hitting interview with a guy called Dr. Booty for National Booty Awareness week. "I have no journalistic background or training. Who wouldn't want to do something like Katie Couric?" Um, does this entry even need a comment? (-5)
-- Is worried about running into Peggy, who allegedly "stalked" her hubby after they dated years and years ago (-2)
-- Peggy tells Tamra that people used to want to date Jim because "had a lot of toys," implying that it wasn't his good looks or personality that reeled in the women. (-1) However, we think Alexis is lucky that Peggy didn't say what she was probably really thinking, which is that Jim is a big ol' tool (+4)
National booty awareness.
Net gain/loss: -7
Current total: 93
-- Heather is introduced to viewers when Tamra shows her a 4.9 million dollar plot of land, on which Heather is considering building a house. She looks at the empty lot next door and says how nice it would be to buy that one as well. She's gonna make the other OC Housewives look like paupers (+8)
-- Heather is put off by the potential ocean views, though. "I see roof tops. And I don't know if I want to live behind a shopping center." Clearly, she can afford to be that picky (+3)
-- Tamra invites Heather to coffee, and then to Vicki's party. It will probably be the worst thing that's ever happened to her (-7)
-- Heather tells Tamra she's been with her husband for 15 years, together for 12. He's a plastic surgeon, and she jokes, "It's like an investment in my future." (+4)
-- She decides to brave Vicki's party, and catches a ride over with Tamra and Peggy. Godspeed, new girl. (+2)
Net gain/loss: +10
Current total: 110
-- Since last season, it was revealed that Peggy dated Alexis' husband, Jim, back in the day, and didn't bother to tell anyone -- including Alexis, who is, er, WAS, her friend (-3)
-- According to Peggy, Jim didn't used to be a Bible thumper. He used to date "all the really hot girls in Newport." Modest, isn't she? (-1)
-- Alexis claims that Peggy stalked Jim after they parted ways 15 years before. I can't imagine anyone stalking Jim, but then again, I'm not a gold digger, so who knows? (-2)
Net gain/loss: -6
Current total: 94