RECAP: Brandi Wins The Housewives Reunion

To be honest, we're not even sure why Bravo bothered using most of the footage from the first installment of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills reunion special last week -- especially after seeing what they were saving up for part two, which aired last night.

Finally, the BH Wives got down to business -- the business of having it out over circumstances both substantial (ie: Taylor's impending book, Russell's suicide -- or was it murder?!) and trivial (Brandi's bikini, everyone's favorite naughty words).

As this episode played out, the lines that have been drawn between castmates (either during the season, or after the show stopped taping) became more evident. Brandi Glanville, Camille Grammer and Lisa Vanderpump seem to be in one corner, while Kyle Richards, Taylor Armstrong and Adrienne Maloof have each other's backs. Kim Richards, who again was not present for this segment of reunion footage, kept her floater status intact.

Here's your Cliff's Notes version of part two:

The ep kicked off with replays of all the crazy stuff Brandi said during the season, spliced together with bitchy things that the other 'wives said about her. In other words, Bravo took all the season's highlights and packed them into a succinct and entertaining little package. Afterward, the discussion turned to Brandi's teensy bikini from the Hawaii episodes, and why she wore it when married men were present (jealous, anyone?). She defended herself by saying all her bathing suits are that small, and furthermore, "you're lucky I was wearing a top!"

Cohen asked Brandi to explain the difference between dressing slutty and sexy. She said, "However you feel the most confident is how you should roll. ... Slutty is (showing) labia."

Man, I hope Brandi is back next season.

The insanity of Game Night -- during which Kyle and Kim warred against Brandi after she implied Kim was in the bathroom doing drugs -- was rehashed. Kyle took ownership for her bullying of Brandi, who at the time, had a broken ankle and was trapped on the couch because Kim had hidden her crutches. Lisa, who wasn't there, admitted taking Kyle's side after hearing her version of the incident, but once she saw the show footage, she regretted jumping to a hasty conclusion without knowing the whole story. In other words, she realized Kyle and Kim were just as big of bitches (if not bigger) than Brandi.

Of course, Brandi's potty mouth was addressed, and to lighten the mood, host Andy Cohen asked each woman their favorite swear word. "F***" got two nods from Brandi and Taylor; two votes for "sh*t" were cast by Adrienne and Kyle; Lisa chose "bloody hell," which isn't even really vulgar by American standards. And Camille went out on her own with "poopy stink."  WHATEVER, Camille. If you ever get the question, "Who gave the bulls***tiest answer EVER at a Real Housewives reunion?" during Trivial Pursuit, that pink piece of entertainment pie is as good as yours.

In other fractured friendship news, even though Adrienne was the one to bring Brandi into the fold, the two seem to have entered frenemy territory. Brandi says they haven't spoken since the show wrapped and that Adrienne won't return her texts. Adrienne claims that she's reached out and invited Brandi to parties, but Brandi never showed up. Ladies, please see www.first-world-problems.com.

But Brandi and Taylor's verbal volleying was much more heated. Brandi was disgusted that Taylor is already writing a book about her abusive relationship with her deceased ex-husband, Russell. "When does your book come out anyway?," asked Brandi, looking at her watch. "How long has it been?"

"It's none of your business!" Taylor replied.

"You made it the world's business," retorted Brandi.

Then, Taylor tried to make Brandi look bad by accusing her of slashing her ex-husband's tires. But Brandi proudly owned up to it, explaining that she was pissed that he cheated on her, and the vehicles were half hers anyway. (Have we mentioned how refreshing it is to have someone with NO SHAME on this show?)

Anyway, as most of the ladies rolled their eyes in disgust -- HOW could they possibly associate with someone so trashy? -- Lisa, of all people, piped in to say that while she didn't condone Brandi's Michelin stabbing, she could understand why she did it.  Suddenly, we realized underneath her prim n' proper exterior, that Lisa must secretly watch, and enjoy, Lifetime movies.

Another sisterhood splintering topic came up as well. At some point, Kyle texted Brandi to invite her and her kids to a party. Brandi wrote a text reading "Kyle is a (c-word)," intending to send it to another friend, but accidentally sent it right back to Kyle. Awwwww, man! If a genie gave me three wishes, I might just use of of them to go back in time and see Kyle's reaction to that situation.

At some point, Cohen addressed Kim's absence again, although we're not sure that anyone noticed or cared, since she barely appeared this season anyway. He asked Kyle whether Kim decided to enter rehab after watching herself on the show. Kyle said probably not, since 1.) Kim never shows up for anything; 2.) Kim doesn't care about being on the show; and 3.) Kim doesn't even watch the show. Bravo, if that doesn't inspire you to kick her to the curb, nothing will. Out with kooky Kim, in with ballsy Brandi!

Finally, the gang discussed how much Camille paid public relations consultants has changed since being such a royal bitch during season one. The ex-Mrs.-Kelsey-Grammer flaunted her relationship with a hot guy with washboard abs who is eight years her junior, and then we couldn't help but reconsider our position on attitude adjustment. Although she got dumped by Kelsey first, she basically traded in an old Buick for a new Mercedes convertible. Maybe her new disposition IS genuine after all.

Finally, Taylor took a moment to pitch her upcoming book, which she wrote for "girls with low self-esteem who could use a little boost." She told Cohen that Russell started abusing her during her pregnancy, and that she stayed with him for the next 5.5 years anyway.

Taylor also discussed the briefcase that was found next to Russell's body after his suicide. It allegedly contained files of ten different bank accounts, a bunch of flash drives, news of secret offices in Rio de Janeiro -- in essence, a whole secret life. She spoke of his business partner's suicide in the following weeks and hinted that the deaths may have involved foul play.

Cue the Law & Order theme music!

To be continued in next week's third and final installment...