RECAP: Pre-Rehab, Kim Richards Spirals Downward

It was a tight race for the Hot Mess award on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills last night, but in the end, druggie Kim Richards just barely pulled ahead of abuse victim Taylor Armstrong.

Even if Kim hadn't publicly checked into rehab after filming of this season had ended, it would have been completely obvious she was under the influence of something (everything?) in last night's episode. A bumbling, fumbling, mostly incoherent mess, she kept disappearing into the bathroom for long periods of time and we couldn't help but wonder: IS her new troll-like boyfriend REALLY as controlling as she claims, or is she just upset because her drug addiction is harder to hide when she's with someone 24/7?

Meanwhile, Taylor Armstrong, fresh from her separation from Russell, brought a surprise date to the opening of Lisa Vanderpump's new restaurant, Sur. She proceeded to hold a very emotional meeting with her friends, because honestly, what better place to have a serious, heart-to-heart discussion than at a lighthearted restaurant opening?

In the end, Lisa's big confrontation with Cedric that was touted on all the promo commercials, wound up being ho-hum.

Next week, season two concludes with Pandora's trillion-dollar wedding and more tears from Taylor as she deals with the ramifications of her separation.

KIM (7)

-- Kim and Ken get a hotel room so they'll be closer to the party. Kim complains about how hard it is to pack for an overnight trip, but something tells me Kim has a hard time getting packed up to go to the grocery store (-1)

-- Kim is getting her makeup done and tells the artist she found a pretty color of lip gloss that she forgot she had -- and then she discovered that that the lip gloss was really a mini vibrator. So naturally, she put it in her purse... (+3)

-- Getting ready for Lisa's party in the hotel room, Kim is disheveled (as usual), and taking forever to get ready. Then she spends what seems like a million hours rooting through all her handbags for her "medicine." Maybe it wouldn't take as long to pack for an overnighter if you just kept all your drugs in one handbag? Just sayin' (-3)

-- Ken is telling her to hurry up because they're late; she says she hates being pressured (-1)

-- Finally, they are in the limo, and a freshly-pilled up Kim is acting like a five-year-old. "I like to push the buttons." Then she starts unloading the limo's trash, which contains an empty baggie that used to contain something white (ahem) and a wad of tissues with a big brown clump in the middle. She makes duck faces in the mirror and takes off her bra in the car (-8)

-- At the party, she ditches Ken, and tells Adrienne and Kyle that she wants to move out, that Ken is emotionally abusive to her (-3)

-- She keeps telling everyone she hasn't slept and that's why her balance is off. Riiiiiight (-2)

-- Kim tells Kyle her period is three months late and she actually thinks she might be pregnant. Seriously, lady, it's menopause (-4)

-- Ken and Mauricio walk up right when the sisters are this having conversation. Kim tries to cover up by putting on some lip gloss, which she shares with Kyle. Thankfully, she was clear-headed enough to bring her real lip gloss, not her sex toy (+3)

-- She holes up in the bathroom, and keeps saying she'll be done "in just one minute." Meanwhile, a line forms outside. We can't help but wonder: Doesn't Lisa have another restroom in this joint? How are people supposed to do drugs in peace? This IS L.A., after all  (-4)

Net gain/loss: -20

Current total: -13

KYLE  (3)

-- Hasn't seem Kim since their blowout in Hawaii. She has texted her, but got no response (-2)

-- Kim arrives at the Lisa's soiree and Kyle goes over and says hello. She tells Kim how skinny she is, then walks away and starts crying (-2)

-- Adrienne tells Kyle that Kim needs her, and  they have to talk. Kyle rounds up Kim, they go outside and Kim spills her guts about how unhappy she is with Ken. Kyle is like, "I knew it!," but at the same time asks Kim if she realizes that she's also difficult to deal with. I'm all for getting things out into the open, but how about scheduling a private lunch? Why are these deep convos always happening at parties? (-2)

-- Kim says she's still mad at Kyle; Kyle says "who cares? Let's move on," then the two proceed to rehash their entire Hawaii argument. Can you imagine how short these Housewives seasons would be if A) people actually addressed issues as they happened instead of waiting 100 years; and B) didn't relive every single argument that happens on this show? (-3)

-- Kyle makes the point that she at least apologizes when she makes mistakes, but that Kim never says she's sorry for anything. Although Kyle has been kind of annoying this season, she's right (+4) -- and unfortunately, it's kind of par for the course when  you're dealing with an addict (-2)

-- Kim says her period is three months late, and Kyle tells her it's probably menopause. Then their husbands walk up to the table and they try to pretend they were just applying a fresh coat of lip gloss. For being successful child actors, their acting skills did not come in handy here. At all (-3)

Net gain/loss: -10

Current total: -7

TAYLOR (-11)

-- Taylor makes a reward chart for her daughter, so  that she can focus on all the happy, normal things in life instead of her parents' separation (+2)

-- One of the thing Kennedy gets credit for is "being quiet when mommy is on the phone." You mean that doesn't stop after toddler-dom? Oh NO (-2)

-- Taylor's shrink is her date to Lisa's party. There are, like, so many things wrong with this, I'm not even sure where to begin (-4)

-- Supposedly, he is there to help her talk to her friends about recent events with Russell, and again, we're like, couldn't you have a quiet gathering at home to discuss physical abuse and the collapse of a marriage? There's a time and place for everything, and the Real Housewives have never made a right decision when it comes to this (-5)

-- OMG, AND Taylor is holding this caucus with a healing bruise under her eye? At a party? (-3)

-- She apologizes to her friends profusely while sputtering out tears, and specifically apologizes to Camille for Russell's threatening email and her reaction to events that followed. All is forgiven, and everyone rallies around their friend. They all hold hands in the middle of the table, creating a mountain of acrylic fingernails and chunky cocktail rings (+5)

Net gain/loss: -7

Current total: -18

LISA (51)

-- At the party, Lisa sends home an employee who had an affair with Brandi's husband while she was still married. She did it for Brandi's sake, but the server seemed just as, if not more, relieved at the thought of leaving (+4)

-- Former house guest Cedric shows up at the party. While the previews would lead you to believe this was going to be a huge scene, Lisa and Ken asked him to leave and the whole thing pretty much went down without incident -- especially when you compare it to Taylor getting booted from Kyle's shindig a few weeks ago (+3)

Net gain/loss: +7

Current total: 58


-- Kim asks Adrienne to go to the bathroom with her, then drops the bomb that she's leaving Ken. Adrienne feels that this is a serious convo she needs to be having with her sister, plus she thinks that Kim is "off," so she goes to get Kyle (+3)

-- When Taylor tries to sit everyone down, Adrienne gives her a little tough love and sticks up for Camille before letting it all go. Adrienne is pretty much the only "real" person on this show (+2)

Net gain/loss: +5

Current total: 157


-- Arrives at Lisa's party wearing a red, strapless dress that she is too tall for. I don't care how cute your dress is, if your areolas are on the verge of popping out, you shouldn't be wearing it outside the bedroom(-1)

-- One of the servers at Sur had an affair with Eddie when Brandi was pregnant, so Lisa tells her to take the night off to reduce the amount of discomfort in the room (+2)

Net gain/loss: +1

Current total: 83


-- After Taylor's spiel, she forgives her and offers the support she needs (+2)

Net gain/loss: +2

Current total: 126


Adrienne: 157

Camille: 126

Brandi: 83

Dana: 78

Lisa: 58

Kyle: -7

Kim: -13

Taylor: -18